Yeah so are new year resolutions.. self analysis.. lets say taking stock of your life is in vogue
And being most commonest of all beings I feel the same

With out much ado I would start with it.
this year was one of the eventful year. not the most eventful that happens to be 2005..

So this year saw my maiden inning in game of relationships or whatever. It was a huge disaster But not in vain.... I learned a lot from it.


---> Love myself
---> Hasty decision sucks.
---> Do not trust blindly. The person should be worth of ur trust.
---> Stop being a victim..



Really! I never thought anyone can love me as I am and yet I wanted someone to love me.. to find the diamond hidden in coal.. Firstly I thought myself to be diamond but I refused to shine... Does it make sense?


So resolution 1) If I really want quality ppl in my life I have to b of better quality myself namely.. Shed weight. Take care to look good.


Resolution 2) Be choosy of my friends.. I generally am a friend to ppl there are hardly any people who are my close friends .. online... Thats gonna change.. I am not going to b someone who would give never expect.. coz expectations r there.. hidden ones ones that chokes one inside so that soon you lose interest in the relation

Resolution 3) Reduce orkutting..
Waste of time..When you redirect your energy to unneccessary things like this you forget what is important in your life..


Resolution 4) priortize. I need to b clear about what I need in life... Its about time I take control.. drifting like a leaf in the water is not my idea


Resolution 5) Be aware of your surrounding! I have lost touch with reality thats what has happened! I hardly know anything that happens in world.. this apathy refuses to shock me : :

Resolution 6) Make all the documents like election card passport et al

We dont know when oppurtunity will strike us.. better be ready for it

Resolution 7) Relationships are not start n end of life.. focus on my career.. or rather make one! : :

After one disastrous relationship online *fool me* I was almost in brink of other.. which somehow dint happen as reason reigned.. but stewpid me went head along with an brief affair of 3-4 weeks : : I know crazily insane.. Again reason came to rescue thankfully before I did much damage..

SO in CAPITALS!! OFF GUYS OFF GUYS!! doesnt mean I will end up going around wid a gal [;)]

Resolution 8) Take responsibility! Yeah I hate that always.. I always dream of running away wherein I am not responsible for anybody else than me which is freaky! I am gonna take conscious effort to take responsibilty and do it to best of my ability!

Resolution 9) stop blaming others circumstances etc etc.. Really! Unbeknownst to me or rather without realizing.. thats what I was doing big time! It would stop

The best part of this year would be return of my ability to write poems! I am reveling in it big time.. n I hope to continue with it!!

Resolution 10) Be prepared for your interviews... Its better to read n learn than go blank n perform dismally! I never knew i have learning problems!!

Cant even start with how the life played games with me.. wid dad in hospital for sometime .. then him getting lost etc etc...

Resolution 11) Spread your legs as far as your bedsheet is.. meaning.. never commit to help when its gonna create problems with you!!

Resolution 12) Read more books

Resolution 13) Do not volunteer for everything choose your cause n be faithful to it!

Resolution 14) Expect less from people and you wont be much disappointed!

Resolution 15) Time management! I need it!

I recently realized how ironic my life is :)

Recently, I visited one interview......

Which made m realized how much i am forgetting.. *lots*

Okay to start wid...

When we first came to bangalore, I never dreamt of joining a call centre *such work were beneath me*

LOL! if only i knew my future...

I used to accompany my sister for interviews for both support and company.. we were 2 girls in strange city with no experience... when no calls from IT industry came, I decided to try my luck here.. u see i was getting frustrated being home all the time...

I was so confident that I will get in... Thats when I got a rude awakening.. I was rejected for my accent which was absurd :

however, I did get through in my 3rd interview and for a pretty good process..

The days were same borin repitation and i wasnt satisfied... after quiting job and 3 months wid no job offer.. I decided to try back in the industry where i performed really well

*many appreciation emails and compliments wherein customers thought i was american.. etc etc * I was sure i will get through
I did too in all the rounds but HR... where they found me over qualified for the job....

after rejection in 5 companies for being over qualified, I got through this company.. been here for an year now.. looking to move on..

So.. few weeks back I gave one interview..

and I was offered an alternative job coz.. i am not qualified enough.. which I agree to given my dismal performance..

but still life brought me back to same juncture...

earlier i wasnt qualified enuf.. then i was over qualified now back to under qualified!

*phew*

Words in themselves are nothing
but when backed by feelings.. they r everything

And yet for many a years these words were elusive to me
And i was pensive
wanting to know
when will they flow

Now i love the way them vocabulary comes creeping unawares
liked flummoxed and caliver

ha ha ha!

I would just b thinking something ... and some nice word would pop up.. i dunno if u can relate to it or u\s its more like i taste the word with a sentence and love it...

Every new word that i remember gives me special pleasure..

once upon a time used to boast of a very high vocab..


not that its really bad now.. but worser than what it was surely..

I still like how i feel when i remember them words...

its like discovering oneself...


am i making sense?

Cant believe my grammar in the earlier post!

It sux bigtime!

Yeah! I want to talk about our puppy love err love of dog. Most of us who buy dogs as pet for the first time.. do that without thinking anything without planning.

This causes both you and your dog to suffer. Like I have suffered in many ways!

Most of the dogs brought are left out as strays when they grow up as the owner bought it when it was a small puppy all cute and all but the grown up is hard to handle.

From experience loving dogs is one thing and keeping one is another thing ball game!

If you cant provide time for your dog.. cant take care in general.. kindly do not buy one!

Firstly, its better to potty train as soon as possible.
Please read some book on dog care before you buy one so that You know what to expect
Do not skip any vaccine. Its best if you take the dog for monthly check up.
Its better to train the dog through professionals if you do not have time
Please follow all that the trainer says. Do not spoil the dog
Take it out atleast 2 times a day for 30 min


Now about my personal experience! I always loved dogs. So I blindly got one.. without much thought... My sweety is one the best gift in my life.. yes and yet I face a lot of problem.

I didnt potty train it. So till date she shits shabbily. What i mean is.. intially she used to shit when I used to take her out. if by chance i cudnt.. she would shit in the hall. Believe me.. cleaning that often pisses you.

By nature i am lazy.. and.. well i do not play as much as i shud wid a dog... so well she gets bored.. though its not a problem now.. but earlier sweety used to chew so many things.. pillows.. bed... jeans.. belts.. slippers.. bags.. anything plastic or wooden or rubber...

my sis n dad r pissed by it in parts.. we all love her a lot.. shes the pearl of our eyes.. yet its hard to control her.. shes only afraid of me n listens to me!

Dads old.. n she tries to jump on him like she does with us. Our doggy is not trained much. So well she is obedient ofcourse.. but very excited. And she is bored a lil. I try to give time.. but my life is hectic already..

I do not regret having sweety in my life.. but i regret not taking care to b informed....

This was one question I promised I wud never ask myself.. and I never have until now.... Today I am sexed up... the chill the beauty everything makes me want somebody's warm body by myside... engulfing in love.. and yeah making love to me in many ways described in them mills n boons novel.. with his eyes.. with his touch well u get the picture


Since the start its been my way to express my mood though my orkut profile.. and yet today I removed some of it.. edited it to make it publically palatable...

What changed? how did i end up thinking abt what others think?

In other ways too.. i never cared if ppl dint read my blog or commented.. nowadays i do..

I want ppl to read my poems praise me.. ah vanity and well desperation.. i am desperate more n more nowadays!

Phew!

Yesterday was my dad's birthday.. 73rd one.. He is now 72 years old going on 73!

I know i shud b happy and all.. but somehow his imminent mortality has come around to mock my face :(

He is no longer as vital as involved as he was.. He needs help getting up.. walking... he sleeps almost all day.. most of the time he wont reply to what u say unless u repeat a lot of time..

The shadow of the man that was haunts us!

I mean it reminds us he is no longer getting old.. sooner or later .. whether we r ready or not.. whether we like it or not.. the day would come when we wud b comepletely orphaned..

I am just too morbid to write anything more.. I hope we fill him with joy n contentment while he is with us..

Somehow each lil gesture each lil joy has become significant nowadays.

I never knew i had such infinite measures of patience in me.. i am glad i do :)


Phew!

somehow words n thoughts both are very unresolved nowadays for posting blogs.. my restlessness and ambiguity shows.. isnt it?

I am kinda shocked by the way ppl take marraiges nowadays.. very casual : :

Let me give you some examples that made me think about it...

There is this cousin of mine lets say X . Ek lauti sis fo 2 well earning broes.. bahut laad pyaar se rkha dono ne.. then ek din bhabhi aaayi.. bhaiyya ka dhyan pisla.. aur behen felt left out..
So behen who is of my age.. wanted to marry to have someone give her same attention as her bro gives hsi wife..

Jaldi mein marraige fix kiya.. pehle hi ladke ko haan kehdi.. dint even finish her studies engage ho gayi...

3 months down the line wants divorce ::

If she had taken time to get to know him better may b she neednt go thru this ordeal..

her bro now doesnt wanna support her.. he is happy in his life and well the other one n dad they dont liek what she is doing..

indeed i dont like it.. but i feel she still did the best thing possible

however where was the foresight??


Then again there is this other cousin of mine who married when she was 21 .
A girl from poor family.. she had recently got a job.. we all wanted her to stick to the job.. support her family atleast for 2-3 years.. until her bro finishes his studies...

but family mein sabko jaldi thi.. again married to first available boy.. who is now a good for nothing ninny boy!

Atleast they are in love wid each other.. thats the only saving grace.. warna after marraige 2 kids down the line they r wanting for money..

my heart say wheres ur brains ur foresight?
why dint u wait for a better man.. or for making means for urself?
if marraguie was needed why kids so early
why 2 kids back to bac?
Le sigh!

i think thats it for today

Simply me :-)

Have you ever trusted someone from deep within your heart.. loved them like no other person only to find out that they dont respect you?

Only to find out that they think you are a cheapo... you are selfish.. that you hinder their growth.. that u r jealous of their happiness??

Have you ever been so blind as to push their happiness in front of yours.. grudged every happiness that you got coz they r suffering?..

Have you been left behind in their happiness but you always shared yours?

Even lil things like accessories.. you would want them to choose the best and thenn you would take the rest.. and yet even after drawing double their salary you would settle for worst.. and then b slapped wid a accusation that you show off your pay.. have you ever faced that ?

Are you tired of their endless dreaming wherein your choices your needs r never considered?
Have you been said that your choice in books r waste of time when they hardly touch what they buy and u r a voracious reader?

Have you been soffocated every day so much that yiou wish to run away and yet your sense of obligation.. sense of duty ties you down?

Have you ever rejected your dream job coz it wouldnt fit in their greater plans?

have you?

And yet be blamed that you dont like them to be happy?

I have! I wish i was never born.. I wish i was dead! I am so tired of this plastic smile... I am tired!

These are not the pics that we clicked.. will add that later :)

Few facts:
-----------
It is 60 km from bangalore.
No specific monuments to visit
There is a temple on the top
No water or food available ( buttermilk is available)

We were a group of 14 ppl. We left Bangalore around 6:45 am, reached the bottom of the hill by 8:00 am.. reached the top around 11:15 or something.. awesome views... monkeys are there.. loads of rocks.. after having breakfast we started alighting.. this path is very steep ** very scary for me ** reached the bus by 1:15 pm

Phew.. now the fun stuff.. trekking after 2 years made me realize how out of shape i am.. I have trekked mountains bigger than this and still never felt so tired! its abt time i shape up huh!

Every 5 min i stopped.. i wondered if i cud make it.. i am glad that i did and then made so many new friends.. it was an awesome trip.. i hope everyone enjoyed it as much as i did..

hoping to go to many more such trips!

Someone once said that I am not happy i am just high!



I guess that someone was right! I am not destined to be happy.. only to have a glimpse only to feel the high.. high enough and then come crashing down! My life and me never can b happy.. coz i am an incompetent asshole! the fucktard !!



I am just sick of living really! I am such an pain in the ass for everyone who are near me! No one is ever proud of me .. no one will ever will be.. instead of being a thorn on everyones ass may be i shud just die n be done with it!

=====================================

Ah such explosion and then i pettered out.. meaning i just came back to normal.. this out pouring was after a fight wid my sis.. keeping my promise i havent deleted it.. nothing tht i have written will ever b deleted or edited.. this was my promise to myself which I plan to keep!!!

So here i am well i dont feel as much despondent any more...

Well suddenly i have nuffin to write.. no ppl dont bother to ask whats wrong.. its just disgruntled angry outpouring... i am just the same.. normal me

Recently I realized that heart broken person is soo boring.. I know they need all the attention and support they need.. But looking back.. i realize how boring a person I was.. I really feel like thanking for all the ppl who stood by me..

First and foremost I wanna thank my sister! Shes been by abnd large very patient.. I know from my own personal experience.. i know i wudnt be :)

I wanna thank Neeru my loving lil sisterlike... for handling all my angst and all my mood swings.. I am sure to have hurt her many times but she always said sorry... :)

Love you both!!

I wanna thank jatin harshad to eb there... I remember once Jatin stayed up chatting wid me.. coz i was down and he had maigrane .....

Harshad let me rant on and on... I cant stop thinking how much I ranted!! And how patient he was :) :) for a 17 years old he is more mature than me in many ways :)

It was his humor that kept me going!!

And if i can be glad of onething .. in that big fiasco its getting a friend like vishal! I really cherish what we share :)

His sense of humor.. unjudging looooonnnnnnnggggggggg ears.. and lil attentions soothed my soul like no one else could ....

I wanna take time to thank father to what he is to us.. a family.. I realised in many ways that widout my dad.. we r not a family at all..

I wanna thank Rhea for her beautiful poems that kept me cheered... I wanna that Shayoni for her Huge e-hugs, symphaty and loads of cookies.. even the cookie machine!!

I wanna thank rythm for fighting my battle for me.. I am not sure if i liked it then,..... But I liked the gesture for sure :)

Its coz of the fiasco we bonded better .. i dont mean if it wasnt for that we wudnt bond... we wud have... but...this facilitated it :)

To be honest, i would even thank amit.. coz if he hadnt come in life i wudnt have ever come to know my worth... i was a victim before .. i am not now.. in someways he was responsible for me to change...

If not for the fiasco i wud have drifted from half baked affairs to more.. i know i am capable of that.. now i know better

:)

I guess i am the most blessed person on earth.. coz most ask for one true friend and i am blessed wid so many :)

I thank thee oh lord :)
May my path be studded with many such friends whom I can share my life wid and leave a mark...

And may my heart b marked wid many such ppl's love :)

I am glad that orkut has given me friends like flo... ishaan and vipin my loving bros ....Arin... and aditi.. both stood by me as a solid support.. I wanna thank them to have given place in their online life... and placed me in their thoughts.. when i was no one but a stranger on orkut :)

Okay guys.. i am back to ranting yay!! Back to normality!!


Uff i dun seem to start... well so i will let u guys know the crux.. in few words

I got an uncle older bro of my mom.. good for nothing guy : : :

So he asked for 500 bucks from my sis.. and he is not allowed home by dad.. so i had to go and give it to him....

He was waiting on the circle... i mistakenly gave him an extra 100 bucks that i had brought.. just to buy some vigetabe on the road... i was supp to give him 500 ka note..
So well i gavehim 500 ka note... he never returned 100 ka note :

i get it u need money.. but then what abt common decency?

well tht was still nt that bad... but he went ahead and asked me if i had 20 more bucks on me!

Fuck he thinks we r loaded.. so r we supposed to give it to them in charity?

He is my moms elder bro.. eldest in family. when family was in need he never chipped.. my mom took care of her family.. and he has no shame in asking money from us..

No wonder my dad haates relatives.. if some at my dads side is insensitive brutes.. some at my mom's side are assholes!!!


Burrr

Doesnt it look absolutely stunning? Oh i love the way it feels.. ticklish.. Been planning since July and have finally gone an dunnit! yay!!! in november.. yeah yeah i am very good at procrastination!!

Well the 5 hrs that i invested in there is certainly worth it!

Tomorrow i am going for a wedding.. shopping for that was fun! Absolute delight!

Having said that.. there r two things that bothered me.. yeah coming to the topic now

1) Sitting in front of mirror n staring at urself for 5 hrs is tiresome.. If only i was beautiful : :

I cudnt stand my reflection LOL!

But i still feel i shud b subjeted to it regularly.. coz i confess. i rilly wanted to lose weight.. when i was there :P :P

2) I feel girls r naturally mashochistic : :

Oh yeah! y else we wud undergo the painful regime of Eye brow/upern lower lips/forehead threading??
And if that is not enought.. waxing.. which means applying sugar solution and plucking out hairs outta ur hand legs and armpits : :

If that is not enuf.. certain other things that we manage to do.. Like wear heels! Everyone wid sane minds know how uncomfortable that is... Tuck ur stomach in so that it looks good.. squeeze into dresses u know not how to squeeze out etc

Since most of us does this regularly.. i guess most of us like pain! Hell models r the worst! they do body wax! Which includes plucking hairs outta ur breasts!

Horrendous isnt it? My sis says honey few hours of pain is worth looking good! Hell after my stint wid the salon.. now i agree..but back in the salon.. i was cursing the daylights out!

So its a bad day.. wid wonderful hair!!

I am waiting for complimets yay!

Nah this doesnt mean i am trying to tpe without leaving my hands.. all i mean is like touch typing.. i am letting myself write efforlessly. I am not sure what i want to write, but the urge to write is too strong.. not to comply...

Well these few days.. since diwali infact i am feeling low.. its been 2 months now.. ahvent been involved in any volunteerign work...

Oh yeh i am becoming disinterested in reading boooks : i ahve 2 books to complete.. and yet both are left alone...

I am becoming disinterested in orkutting too.. many a times i sit in front of computer.. god knows what i do.. but i dun post in any comm.. or seek to talk to ppl.. nowadays unless invited,... I dun login into chat software... and if ilogin.. i dun buzz ppl...

I am disinterested.. I am lazy and i am feeling down..

And.. i ahve yet had nice conversations with many ppl... It feels good but if it wasnt there also i cudnt care less..

It is good in a way i guess.. whatever...

I feel i complain too much.. i guess i do..

Damn.. i dunno what else to write.. it doesnt feel right...

I know what i wanna do at this point of time.. this uneasiness at the bottom of my belly.. is familiar....

I wanna sit on the darkest corner of my tarace. hostel tarrace.. feet dangling in the air.. facing away from the door.. yes... I wanna stare into darkness and think nothing...

I wanna smell the campfire i wanna hear the farmers sitting watch in the night.. i wanna hear him sing local songs....

I wanna see stars so many of them that they overwhelm me.. I wanna feel so minusclue that i become invisible.. I wanna sing melancholy song.. slowly humming.. and then making weird noises..

I wanna laugh alone... on my stewpidity.. And then i wanna wait till early dawn. I wanna sleep on the tarrace.. all alone... feel like there is no one but me.. Then i wanna go to that little niche... that forgotten temple on the base of the mountain.. I wanna go to the tarrace and try to catch the clouds floating by...

I wanna sit on that favorite rock of mine... I wanna dangle my feet in the flowing creek.. I wana feel the comfort... hiddden from the world.. I wanna feel that warm friendship i felt.. that comfort.. that feeling of hope... I wanna recapture it.. that feeling of goodness.. trust that i am no longer alone... I guess its foreevr lost...

I am not that naive anymore.. nor as tolerating......

May be i ahve lost hope thats all.. I dunnoo

Have u ever felt u slept like u r on drugs and yet never ever taken it ? I slept like this today.. I felt soo dizzy that i cudnt manage to keep my eyes opened!! Le sigh!


And when i got up i was still dizzy! had a nice walk in the night and a nice cold shower and i was ready to hit my nightly activities.. i.e orkutting, chatting and blogging.. however my usual chat buddies deserted me as i deserted them in the evening..

So i did a lot of orkutting and now blogging....


Dont u think keeping a diary is art?? Though what i blog cant be called blogging per se. how can ppl find each ot their days soo interesting that they catalogue it??

I have been recently been at receiving end of various compliments... that i feel somehow insincere!

I am not as helpful as i seem.. Recently one of my orkut/phone friend asked me for help... Something I could have helped... but doing that involved soo much trust that.. in my impulsive gesture i said yes.. When i took time to think.. i realized i am walking on a mine field.. my help can cause me a lot of trouble wid my sis.. Its so hard in our life to have relatively peaceful existence that.. i loath to shake that semblance of peace..

So well i decided not to help.. however, knowing that persons piraablem.. i just cudnt face him and say no.. i know i ahve been ignoring him.. coz i am a coward! I always been one! I am not that a good person...So end of the story is i must b hurting that person a lot.. n increasing.. his already overloaded load of burdens.....

In LPP there ws a topic which said.. u know the answer toa particular problem is not thinking.. and yet u keep thinking abt it.... And thats true... and yet u keep thinking....

I wish i never second guess my decisions! I hate that.. most of my decisions are tinged with this faint regret always

Le sigh!

On the brighter side, I wanna that arty for his thoughts!

Yesterday met my old collegue on YM. he is married and all.. very happily so.. While we were chatting , I told him abt my brk up.. he didnt pry. all he said that.. its his loss.. u r such a nice person.. Felt soooo good!

I wish my intimate college friends were so discerning [;)] or so supportive :P


And neeru my chummy sister is always there to pep talk me! We actually are having fun with each other.. though content of our talks r soo outrageous :P ;)

I wish ppl wud see me for wht i am.. moles and all..

Oh i wish i cud accept what i am as i am.. instead of trying to be someone perfect....

Like they say.. perfection is artificial.. imperfection is art!

For long I have heard ppl detesting the fact that reading habit is dying in students... Well the major issue is now its hard to buy books along with the huge cost of education.. badhti mehengaai and all.. I can see ppl say... haan library kyon nahi jaate...

I am a voracious reader.. more like an gobble.. i can read most books flat in 4-6 hours and yet not miss much....So buying a book a day is not viable for me... and hence.. I decided to enroll in an library.. there is no circulating library available in my area..

There r some book stores that let u read a book for 20-30 rupees per book.. which is better than buying it surely.. but then u cant do it if u read like me.. 1 book a day.. which means 900 bucks a month...

So .. finally i went to the central library near south end circle.. When i heard the price.. it was too good to be true!

Rs 40 per month and that too for 3 books.. and no deposit yet u can keep them fr 15 days!!

I was soo excited!

When i ask more about what kind of books r available.. i am directed to the book stand... I check out to find that moldy old books r there and what more.. these too are limited to 100 or so.. such a huge library and so less english collection!

Oh well at 40 rupees it was still worthwhile.. so I chose the books i wanted and then went to the librarian.. he looked at me and said.. it is not possible for you to get these books today..

On asking why he said that I got to fill form with photo.. submit address proof and get it attested for gezzetted oficer and then they will consider my form...

And when i said i will provide all those but i dunno where to find any gazzetted offcier.. he said he comes only till 5 o clk.. so finally.. i went empty handed!


Damn! for mere 40 rupees and molded books... i wud rather haunt raddi shops Like i used to !

And thus i dropped my idea of enrolling into a library

Is it any wonder not many read anymore??

Isnt it time that ppl /gov library leave 19th century?

Yeah!
Seriously! All i can say is .. all i did was nothing! Zilch! Oh i did cook but so reluctantly ki sabki bhook mit gayi.. meri bhi!

Abnd nothing.. i started 2 books * yeah weird*

Stuck wid none!

I am reading this awesome book called maximum.. its abt mumbai.. an NRI's view on bombay!

Oh its a die for book for all mumbai lovers!

Le sigh! making nostalgic... in this book the author talks abt being an citizen of exile!

Oh how i understand what he means! I mean.. when he was in NY he wanted here.. and when he was in mumbai all he cud think abt is abt NY!!!

Similar experience i had.. when i am in bangalore.. all i miss is mumbia.. wahan ki beaches.. wahan ke log.. the crowd.. the ppl the sense of belonging....

seems like home to me even now.. after 2 years,.... i fear it will be always so...

But when i am in mumbai.. bangalore ki sadke bahut yad aati hai..

I am like a kitten.. i miss places more than ppl! LOL!

If ppl ask em what i miss most in karjat.. it wud be the town itself.. everything.. the mountains water falll that mandir.. the lonely walks etc etc.. not my friends... not on the most list.. but i miss my friends a lot!

I dont think i can make.. ever make such simple uncomplicated.. unselfish friends again.. not at my workplace atleast

Loads of thoughts run through my mind all day that i wanna jot down or post in the blog... in short i compose 10 post for every post actually posted... Wondering what this got to do wid the topic? nothing much!

But who says i got to make sense???

Having made my wilfully stewpid point I move on to the actual stuff * u r welcome to not read it :P *

So..

Most of us want to reach the top real fast.. in this process we forget to make support bases.. We r so busy into using all the oppurtunity , we forget to save for the rainy day.. I mean we dont make friends.. we r too busy to notice others...

Now reaching the top is relatively easy.. No Not EASY but Relatively easy!!!

What I mean is, once you reach the top u have to make sure that no one else takes ur place.. besides top.. pinnacle is a very lonely state..

As long as u can u keep fighting.. and then someone else replaces u.. and u fall

And the extent to which u fall depends on ur support base..

For example, if u urself gracefully find out who is more capable of replacing u.. keep helping him/her around and then when he/she is ready demote urself n promote him..

Firstly, he/she wudnt have u as threat and hence will protect ur place * personal selfishness* coz if u r replaced the net person will b threat to him/her..

and also coz he/she is greatful for ur help..
This is what support base is all abt.. u become his/her support base and he/she urs...

And world n u r better for it!

So ppl remember to make support bases :-)

..end up hating the rain! its been raining all night non stop and intermittently since few days ..Burrr.. coldness and rain.. the combination sux and makes you ill :(

Everyones a lil sick at home.. and me the healthiest of the lot currently gotta take care of ppl and do house hold work too...

Yesterday has been a difficult day! after coming home from work.. i scrubbed the floor.. washed the dishes... washed the clothes.. disposed the garbage etc...oh yeah and went out in the rain shopping.. and other stuff like picking up after the sick!

Damn I was soo tired and pissed... my weakness* natural after fever * and tiredness made things diffcult for everyone.. ahem i kept complaining...

And now...i havent had a good nights rest n i am cold :(

and enough of this burr.. i am signing off !!

If you liked the nail biting action of da vinci code then the book.. Rule of 4 is for you!

It depends on the same cryptography of renaisance period.. but the story is not the same.. and yet it is sensational!!

This story has betrayal.. love friendship murder.. intrigue.. you name it you have it!!

The story is mainly about friendship between an orphan named Paul and a guy named tom who recently lost his father... They come togather as Paul is interested in what tom's father was interested in.. the longest book in history filled with absurdities.. For 5 centuries no one could ever understand what the book meant... it was not even a novel! it was a dream.. a dream that a guy saw where in weird things happens to the girl he is searching in his dreamm... and yet the book cannot be called a love story.. as the book has horrific details... ' Hypnerotomachia Poliphili.'

Paul and unwilling tom solve the puzzle that many cudn't... The resulting chaoes is best read.. to know more abt the story click here

Lately, me and my sister tend to go out even on work days and figure out how to get internet connection that can fit our budget and has quick activation. Given the options.. i think we are wasting time...

Well as we keep roaming.. one thing can't escape my eyes is the road side book stall.. my life line. I know there are many nice arguements against piracy.. but when i see that i can buy 3 books in the price of one.. all my good intentions vanish..

So after a lot of window shopping .. i settled on 2 books.. I like to buy more than one books of an author togather.. somehow reading the second book is an prolonged enjoyment then.. I know what to expect :-)

So.. This time I picked up " the kite runner" and " A thousand splendid suns".

Believe me they are worth reading..

Esp kite runner. The most startling discovery I made while reading this book is .. how much I hated the character " aamir " in it initially. This made em think...

Why is that we want to be perfect? Not us.. but others. We want them to accept us as we are.. but.. we cant accept ppl.. we expect them to be perfect.. atleast. like us.. I mean.. if u r sloppy.. u dont mind.. if ur friend is sloppy.. however a fastidious person may not like that.. he will forever nag.. 'tum apna khayaal kyon nahi rakhte? ' I know you may think... isnt he doing what a good friend is doing.. I would say ask the other friend!

So.. in this story.. aamir is kinda the weak guy.. and hassan the perfect guy.. aamir cannot stand hassans goodness.. and hassan is all observing/ absorbing sponge!!!

I cannot even think of the all humiliation accepting nature of hassan! What i feel is pity for such an character.. he knows that his existence is soo hopeless that he has lost the sense iof self? May be not.. may be he accepts reality for what it is.. something i can never do!!


In the other book... it is a story of 2 wives... and their relation that starts with proverbial hatred.. since both r dependant on the husband for survival.. they cant be angry on him.. n hence direct it on each other..

This total dependance.. total aceptance of first wife.. who was physially abused repeatedly...

leaves me angered.. and yet this is an hopeful story.. there is a lot of death in this book.. but at the end.. it still leaves us hopeful... it has beautiful description of what went inside Afganistan! The reason y ppl supported taliban.. and how mis guided they were... etc etc .. a must read!

I have been reading a lot of books recently.. or rather 3 books in 3 days!

Feels like hostel time ! Only my choice of books are different.. The way i read books also changed. Earlier if I ever got to read.. it would be like blitzcrieg... i mean.. i wouldn't bother to stop until the book is finished... It is true even now.. however, now I find myself contemplating on the writer's thoughts.. his ideas.. and finding my own.. I have to tell you this makes me njoy the book.. the story more.. it feels like i have missed loads of subtle nuances in many books now... I wanna unread them and read then again.. unread them becoz.. i wudnt feel the same exitement other wise.....

There are not many books that I put down as unreadable... infact there r only 2 books!!! The first one was " Catch 22" I put it down for like 7 times before I could complete it! I loved the sarcasm in it.. how ever i feel the dose of sarcasm is too much! I now feel.. may be.. i lost the nuances that affected my judgement.. may be.. since i own this book.. i will prolly read it again!

And the second book being collection of short stories of Franz kafka...

I couldn't make head or tail of the first few stories.. Mainly coz what he writes is a bit abstract. What he implies is beautifull than what he writes,... and also coz its ironical... most of his stories are... This ironically reminded me of the fact that i am losing the ability to process abstract.. so i have taken this book as an exercise. I read one story and try to make sense of it!!

If what i have suggested makes u feel like reading the stories.. please try 'hunger artist' and 'metamorphosis' Both are surprisingly so refreshing...
Kafka has taken a bleak view on human frailities.. their suseptibilities.. and it seems so real and yet its absurd...

Hunger artist is a story of an hunger artist from circus who takes proud in eating nothing for 40 days.. and metamorphosis is story of a sales clerk who turns into a gaint insect when he wakes up in the morning :-)

Happy reading!

yeah.. but i changed mind coz of that asshole :X someone i had decided never to mention in this space... but i am sick n tired of that psycho.. who still keeps stalking me.. creating new profiles! i wonder how i can ger him to stop.. i guess he can only stop when i leave orkut.. but leaving is like something which i wudnt do.. it smacks of cowardice.. or is it discretion??

ofcourse i can delete the profile and create a new one... but i will have to lose all my online friends too.. which i am not ready to do.. so in the meantime i am juss cautious!

Ppl, i am taking brk from ranting abt my job * which actually i like* to rant abt a really piss out issue... its abt my house shifting...



After giving notice 3 months in advance.. and getting confirmation that we will receive money on 10th of september and reminding them on regular intervals...... we are still waiting for money 10 days down the line...



Day 1: call the owner * no one picks up the call* keep calling... same issue! in the evening they call ... no apologies given.. she says * owner's daughter* that her dad will come there on sunday



Day 3: * dads come* in the night around 8:30 they ask us to meet : we say we cant .. hafta the next day!



Day 4: Again in the night around 8:30 they call. Exasperatedly I go. They promise to pay the next day as they have to go somewherelse in the evening * no reply to phone no response from their side at all *



I wait for them to come back like on day 7!



Day 7: Again in the night, they ask us to meet and then request to have a look of the property before we got the money! Not tht we ahve any issues! but then..... they cud have told the same on phone why does it require that we go to their place? again they wanna visit 8:00 in the morning.. given my sleeping habits thats toooo way too early :x



We complied but they were rude!!!



Day 8: they come home.. and then keep fibbing abt useless things like chips on the floor..* none of which were of our doing* and their excuse: may be sweety dug them holes.. that too in the tiles.. didnt know my sweeties nails r laser drills!


:x :x i sure wish so.. i cud have made money sitting at home.. leasing my doggie to work.....

Finally they agree to pay money next day * in cash* and *minus some money*even after arguing wid them.. finally we gibe in as we were worried of not getting money at all! they say we will get it * tomorrow*

Day 9: *no response* Called in the evening ... finally got money in cash 9 o clk in the night! They know we cannot deposit it in the bank in the night : : what shud we conclude? it was not matter in thousands.. but in lacs!!!!!! * @$#$^&*&*@* u r free to add any swear words u want!

Day 10: Finally money is at its home * bank*

Le sigh!

Finally i am in mood to rant about something.. this time its my job that i am going to rant about [:)]

A year back I was working for a process called windows xp.. wherein we had general home users from USA call to us...

#customer 1: *A chinese customer*

Me: thank you for calling microsoft windows XP technical support. My name is meena. May I have your first name and case no?

Cu: I donot have a case number. will my SSN do ?

Me: I m sorry sir, Did you talk to somebody before you got transfered to me?

Cu: Oh yeah! I talked to a guy with funny accent. I ddint get what he said.

Me: no problem sir. How may I assist you ?

Cu: I am glad I got you. You have a good accent. These bloody indians have worst accent. Whereever I call i get routed to indians. * and he is chinese with worst accent possible*

Me: I am an indian too. Would you like to talk to an american?

Cu: No no. you talk good I donot want to be trasferred.

Me: May I know what the issue is?

Cu: My computer died on me. wouldn't start. My ISP says contact microsoft.
* wondering what computer got to do with ISP!!! *

Me: May I know if the power is on?

Cu: yes it is.

Me: Do you get any error message?

Cu: It says page cannot be displayed.

*makes sense but computer died???? *

Me: Are you able to see your desktop?

Cu: Cant receive emails too! You microsoft suck! I am planning to move to Mac computer!

Me : I understand sir that you are having isssues with your computer.. I am here to help you out.. I assure you that I will be resolving your issue by end of this call

Cu: It is not me who is having issue. It is microsoft. you have to fix it somehow I cannot waste more time. Let it be fixed by evening.. Good day!

* phone disconnected*

Me: Are you here sir?

*dail tone.............*

I was wondering how i can fix *his* computer from India... besides i do not know what the issue was.. and i was wondering why he paid $35.00 and stayed online for like more than an hour only to hang up!!!!


Customer 2: Fluttery old lady

Me: same opening

Cu:(very slowly.. lyk old ladies can talk) Hi dear. I am hoping that you can help me. A very nice gentleman was talking to me earlier helping me out. He gave me a number. is that waht you want?

Me : Yes ma'am

Cu: Oh okay. Let me get my glasses please. Give me a moment

Me: Sure ma'am take your time.

In the back ground: * hello susan. How are you dear? I am talking to this very nice indian lady.. Can you beleive it they talk english! So nice too. Such queer accent though... very polite. Oh honey my computer is acting up again. Tom used to fiddle around it for me.. but since his divorce doesnt come here any longer.. saad affair isnt it? That bitch! broke his heart she did * all this while i am still on hold*

* phone disconnected*

I wonder why they waste my time and their own!!


Customer 3: A old man from down south

Me: same opening

Cu: howdy lady! I am hoping to find some help. My computer is acting up I cannot open my aol anymore.

Me : May I know if you can visit some other site?

Cu: (drawls in sexy southern accent) I sure... havent .. tried.. but i would like to do it if you tell me how to do it..

Me: please open your browser.

Cu: say whaaaa????!!! I am sorry but i am not computer literate....

Me: how do you access AOL ?

Cu: i click on the icon on my home page..

Me: Do you see the blue "e" icon on your desktop?

Cu: Where do i find the desktop?

Me: I am sorry, do you see a blue "e" on your home page?

Cu: Yes. certainly I do.

Me: please click on it

Cu: I did.

Me: what does it show?

Cu: page cannot be displayed.

Me: okay. please type www.google.com in the address bar.

Cu: okay give me a moment. *spells it out slowly.. types wrong.. types everything back slowly by this time 45 min is over your ST gives you warning to wrap it fast*

Me: May I know whats happening?

cu: Gives me the same error.

Me: okay. May I know if you see lights on your router/modem ?

Cu: I will tell you if you tell me where to find that...

Me : It generally is around your computer. Its a smal rectangular box with 4 lights burning..

Cu: I certainly had it last week, however my grandson took it away last week. I thought its not important.

Me: Sir, you cannot connect to internet without it.

Cu: Dont try to con me. I certainly can!!!! I went to AOL page last week.

Me: May I know if it was before or after you gave away the modem?

Cu: I am an old man. My memory isnt what it is. You cannot expect me to remember thaat!!!

*sighs*

Me: I am sorry sir, but i am positive that you cannot go online without that box. You can contact AOL and get it verified!

Cu: I certainly will do that. And for $35.00 you have a very bad service. I thought my issue will be resolved for the amount i paid! Should have known! big sharks like you only screws ppl like us!!

* disconnected*

Phew!!! for a guy who doesnt knw what browser is and doesnt know that what modem is... i think he doesnt deserve technology.. not when he calls me a bad service [:x]


Ah well there are more.. to be continued some other day

Stay tuned for a lady who discusses her love life wid me n asks advices.. for a lady who asks me to get married soon.. her sallly married at 15 and for a lady and a man who gives me pointers in raising my sweety!!


And then new stories abt horrendous days in web hosting company :-)

Today i stay awake late night... flitting to unread unwanted blogs and profiles .. i wonder what i am doing why i am doing?

What do i acheive by this random browsing? for that matter what do i acheive by talking to random strangers... strangers whom i would never meet.. strangers who will be forgotten in days to come...

I sit here staring at my pc sharing thoughts events in life that i havent even shared wid the most intimate of my friends... only to share the same with the next available person in the future!

Is it becoz as my sister says i am too needy! If that was true why dont i need a particular person?? To be honest one particular person bores me.. even the thought of it bores me...

What abt my dreams of mr perfect the one and only soulmate??

i guess i am not made to be wid one person in my life..

Yeah i am in mood of it.. I love to read random blogs.. its as if i read a piece of their life... I dunno why i love it.. peeking into their blog n never commenting on it!

Like i once used to read a blog of a lady who was divorced and yet evry much in love..

One of the most touching piece tht i read was about one holiday weekend.. which used to be special for them.. she so wanted to call him *they were still friends* but didnt coz she dint wanna feel needy * didnt wanna show him that she was*

Her choice of words.. her pain was soo real so touching....

Similarly right now i am reading a blog of a writer.. who has quit alchohol.. his daily life.. his fight against the urge and his hopes for future the disappointments...

i wonder if i like reading that as it is sooo real or do i read them coz he is too talented?


i hope i get to read his publications.. its awesome wite up!

I dont know why i am posting terribly small posts...

Abnd then many posts in succession!

I keep planning many posts in my mind.. however when i get to write ti doesnt come as i like it...

Well in this post i wanna talk abt this huge want in my life.. I want to be perfect and yet not work for it.. and i hate to have anyone who is like me!

yeah i like to be unique... and perfect.. i want to talk intelligently about any or every topic when i do know that there are many issues where my knowledge is inadequate.. and yet i dont wanna actually increase my knowledge!

Lets juss say that i am lazy wid huge castles in the air.. only have no foundations!

ITs amazing how you say the most intimate details to strangers but once you get to know them even a lil bit inhibitions take hold of you!

Likewise, You hardly have any expectations from a stranger things seem interesting.. the more you get to know a person the more you become bored.. or rather you expect things to remain in same level of interest... but it doesnt

I feel this terrible urge to write poems... but some how words fail me.. or rather i fail words.... may be!

Its like i have nothing to say or may b so much to say that its this huge chaos that wont resolve!

Yep my 50th post!!

Yesterday was by and far one of the best day for me!! Instead of wallowing in self pity on this day.. I actually went to my nani's place! with sweety in tow.. it was sure to be fun and it was!

My sweety didn't let my mama come home.. his home .. it was sooo funny.. then the usual talks!

*le sigh* I have got a soulmate in my cousin! LOL she backed me to hilt and we kept teasing elders for a change!

Somethings never change! When we *touched elders feet* they blessed us to get a "husband" very soon.. I was like blessing de rahe ho ki curse!

Really.. other than this part.. i can njoy my relatives.. * atleast it wasnt.. i know this guy who is an engineer... thing*

Well shopping for new clothes was fun too and so was travelling wid sweety in the rick...

Fir late in the night i caught indo-pak match.. juss the last over to see them go to tie and then win...

And my friend got us a DVD with 3-4 movies... we end up watching Awarapan... it was okay movie.. and i am going back for ganapati to nani's place....

Yippie! and today all my cousins will be there i expect to tease ppl as well as get teased!!

All in all great expectations

Yep i know tomorrow is 14th!
And yet i am not feeling low now.. not like i felt all these days.. something is new today.. or may be i am new.. Mom i am sorry for the anger... i dun mean i am happy wid ur choices.. but then who am i to judge?? no one.. i hardly know u.. i regret that.. i wish i cud.. but then.. i am still feeling better.. for the time we were atleast togather.. atleast i have the satisfaction that... that u love me!

atleast i am sure of that!!

I am glad that i am your child.. i am sure where ever u r .. u love me n r proud of me!

I am sure u know that we are doing the best we could!

And that should be enough!

Love you mom.. and yeah we havent forgotten you.. you are always in our hearts and our thoughts!!

May you rest in peace!

I never play songs repeatedly.. but this song has caught me by something1
phew i am not even remembering phrases now!

This song from tehzeeb sung by some bhattacharya! who cares the songs awesome!

What is this need for company when I actually dont want to talk??

I wanna be around but yet not talk to anyone.. who said there is no contradictions in nature!

I think i am one bundle of contradiction!

I wonder why do i have pressing need for company.. but when i get it.. like i was talking to one of my friend,.... i actually didnt want to talk and i logged off!!

I wanted to blog for so long.. so many post in my mind.. but never felt like putting it in words.. I have so many conversations in my mind... wid real n imaginary ppl.. but when it comes to reality.. i hardly wanna have any..

Y is it so?

They say time lessens the pain.. I wonder who said that. I mean how come it didnt happen to me??

Time doesnt lessen the pain it just lessens the edge.. You go through day to day hiding from it, ignoring it and it is just lying there accumulating... and then one fine day when u slacken your vigil it hits you like a rock.. You dont know whether to keep ur face straight and act like nothing happened or that you can deal with it.. Or should you lean on someone and cry your eyes out..

I wonder if i decide to cry is there any shoulder offered? I mean i do have friends.. friends whom i can count on.. but whats new is that i dont want to lean on them.. I look through my friends list and dont want to talk to anyone.. Thats new..

Like a withering flower i writhe.. but do i show it to anyone? whats the use of showing ugliness out?

I thought i will never miss her.. after all she left us in lurch.. .. thats a rude thing to say i guess .. but it does seem like betrayal to me some times... i do miss her.. every day is reminder of what i dont have and every night a trial.. its been 10 years this month and I still hurt.. more so nowadays than before..

At that time it was imperative that i stay strong.. we had a family to run a dad to console but now.... now that there isnt anything to hold on to i remember

I remember all too well than its good for me :(

I miss u momma.. miss u hard!

Whenever i see a mother and daughter shopping together i miss u.. I wonder if we wud b this way!

I hate it... hate that you wouldnt see me in my youth.. wudnt see what i am now.. i wonder if u wud be proud of me atleast.. I wonder if u will approve of all my decisions or would you blame us?

I wonder on those lonely night how it would be juss to sleep on your lap like old times:(

i wonder if you would love sweety as i do...

Dard Ki Yaad Mein Bhi Dard Hai Behtar Yeh Tha
Aapne Zakhmo Ka Hisab Hum Ne Na Rakha Hota

How true!

I wonder y i keep the "hisaab"

Le sigh!

Imagine.. imagine imagine something [:P]


yeah thats all i wanna write abt this why dont u imagine what the post is all about?

Yeah.. i wonder abt that stranger who is within me.. i mean somehow when i think i talk as if i am talking to some one else i will be like.. meena u cannnot do this think abt this.. and thiis

as if 2 of my parts r conversing and both wid different views...

Its weird I no longer get right titles for my blog posts!
Well today my sis went for her big date.. I am soo happy for her.. n soo sad for myself.. Cant stop feeling bad for myself! :x all day i was like she will be having fun wid him... every happy though was tinged wid wish i was too.. whats wrong wid me??? Cant i juss feel good for her?

I feel sorry for myself coz i know how heady the feeling is.. the bubble of new love.. i wanna catch it again...

But the fact is.. my taste in men sux.... * if we can rilly call some of them men * Psssst...

I can safely say that only the first guy i ever chose was truely worth it.. but then.. i was juss a kid of 14 what i knew abt love???

What do i know abt that guy? nothing!... Cant say i love him anymore...

I had this guy pursuing me.. it was soo wonderful... but i let him go.. i was scared of what could be : i let him go and he never came back... i regret it.. i so much wished i took that chance...

i wasnt in love wid him.. but it was romantic to be pursued... he was a decent guy n i let him go.. * shows my taste*

Then i inexplicably fell in love again .. this wasnt love of a young girl.. it was a love of woman.. but still innocent and confused ...

And that guy is a.. i dun know what to say.. he doesnt juss love me .. n i guess i am still half in love wid him....

I dunno why i forgive his mistakes * as i perceive they r mistakes*

I as a rule find hard to forgive... but not for him.. many times i think.. may b this is real thing..

but then i went ahead and had a serious relationship... didnt i?

And thats again is a big obstacle!!!

i kinda dun know what to make of it.. its still an unresolved mess!! its the fucking most awesome and the most degrading experience of my life...

it has marked me for life.. thats for sure All of my other crushes were one sided... and this was so i have no words for it.. mersmerising? engaging? humiliating? belittling?? none fits the bill :(

i feel sad for myself coz i dun have someone to turn to.. and i can ahve it too.. only the price i got to pay is too high :

i recently got into some thing that can be loosely called as a relation although it is not so...

it was partly good and partly... somefin i dun want it to be :

i am juss not sure what i want... i feel sometimes all i want is juss a good fuck and thinsg wud fall into its places.. however when oppurtunity shows itself i find outt hat i cannot juss have fuck n forget :

i juss cant do it... its a revelation for myself...

Having thought through it today i found out that everytime i fell in love i was going through a emotionally lean phase!!!

Well not exactly falling in love.. but accepting that i am really in love :

i am not sure if i u\s what love is.. i sincerely doubt my ability to fall in love completely.. its jusss too much for me

The first time i fell in love.. i had lost my mom... the second time.. dad fell ill and the third time i was on my leanest phase.. nuffin was right.. n the other time i got ngaged.. n it wasnt love at all i wanted to fill in the void.. i wanted someoen to hold me .. keep me warm.. '


Only my deal didnt include well having sex! :

i want romance and flirting .. may be a kiss or two loads of hugs but nuffin further...

I think i shud turn lesbo [:D]

i can never get a guy right!

not like my sis... she knows what she wants and she can wait for it.. she doesnt go for cheap thrills... she goes for real thing!


i wish i had that elusive quality my sis had! U see i am juss too approachable too open to really be interesting :

its not like ppl dun like me.. but its juss that i am too familiar to hold their interest for long.. am not talking abt relationships only i am also talking abt friendhsip!!

most ppl love talking to my sis than me.. even though i am soo approachable.. its coz she is always a mystery or may be coz i talk ears out of ppl? :O

i dunno

Psst i hate this word.. I dunno.. how come i never know anyfin?

As usual i ahrdly know what i ahve written! today i have excuse... i am high on ciggies i ahve had more than half a pack :D


Nah dun shake ur heads! its juss one off time... i really wanted to... i never cross 4 and i never smoke every other day.. only once a month!

may be i will have one more what the heck i wanna :D

Nothing more refreshing than walking in the rain.. alone in the night :D

it washed away all the blues that i was feeling!!

the pitter patter of rain always fascinates me.. so does the cold breeze and the feeling of rain drops falling on me.. its orgasmic :D

i am lost in train of thoughts that take me to moon and back... i many times dreamt of sharing the feelings with love of my lyf.. and it being unlikely anymore * yeah turned into a cynic* i wud rather njoy it alone.. alone wid rain :D

i am always fascinated by rain since childhood when i wud sit all night listening to rains in the varandah... its my second love first being the sea!!

i had lot to write abt it.. suddenly i am dry of words.. it is an experience that i cant say in words...

it hides ur tears... ur guilt ur shame and cleanse u of everything.. no one can feel desolate after u ahve been in the rains never...

i guess thats juss abt it :

Well 15th August this year I would say was one of the most productive independence day of my life..

I attended a workshop conducted by AID India in Kormangala. Ahem i reached lateeeeeeeeeeeee Like always. Although it wasn't my mistake :( It was as if all the world was conspiring to make me late.

firstly, the schedule was temporarily changed. Then, the cab was late. When I reached home I ahd to cook lunch and do other stuff..

Once I reached koramangala by around 10:30 am.. ahem things turned for worse..
Firstly i couldnt find the way.. I was walking in the hot sun *unexpectedly hot sun*

Took a rick that took me all over for nothing.. finally 30 rupees poorer i got where i wanted to...

And then the 3-4 hrs that follwed were the best there was..

Okay Cabs here.. continued later in the night.. keep checking

Back here :)

Ahem after that i went to Lalbagh! The sickest place on holidays!!

Lemme digress to complain abt ppl with sickest civic sense!!

The place had turned to such an mess!!
Its a shame to find such wonderfully tended gardens turned into shambles!!

Pssst.. the litter wasnt the only complain! Fucking bozoes had uprooted the plants... broken leaves... branches.. and the crowd was unbearable..
And predators used this occasion to touch to abuse!!

Damn! :x :X

Okay .. so we hardly did anyfin and came back.. although i have taken pic of flowered tajmahal!

Will show u sometimes

Yeah!
I guess i need to accept it some time or other! I choose not to be victimized and one eve of freedom.. let me be free of this shackle. For long i have been acting like a victim!

There were many instances.. on trains in buses... i was abused.. i kept quiet!! Chu tak nahi kiya....

My ego wouldnt let me buckle down.. so I always travelled like nothing happened! but it did.. and i felt the shame... the guilt.. the pain!!!!

The first time it happened when i was 9. Wasnt much.. some ole foggy jacking off lookng at my panties... i didnt realise it affected my psyche... but it did!

Every other time that i was abused.. i cud never speak out! I was mute like a doll. Never again!!!!!!!

Today i had gone to Lalbagh there was this guy who was trying to abuse me!!

the bastard! Taking advantage of crowd!! I pinched him! For the first time. I fought back literally!!

this is a new start.. this is freedom.. freedom from guilt and shame... A New path.. A new day....


I was waiting for soo long,
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and never let go

Through the darkness and good times
I know I make it through
But the world though I had it all
I was waiting for you...

Hush now I see the light in my sky,
Oh its almost drowning me
I cant believe i have been by an angel with love..
Let the rain come and drown away my fears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the wall for new sun...

A new day has come....

Finally time to be true to my blog [:P]

I dunno why but i hate editing my blog.. not even like to correct mistakes.. spelling mistakes, grammatic mistakes :)

I feel that if i start editing these mistakes i will edit my thoughts too.. i scruplously dun want to do so.. i want it to be fresh out of my brains [:)]

*so if u feel there r too many mistakes.. rest assured..that they r not meant to be corrected ever*

Yeah :-)

Its been like ages and i haven't met of of my school friends... thanks to orkut now we met. It was awkward to start talking.. I hardly knew what to say what to discuss... but as far as renunions go.. this went well :)

We discussed about many of our school friends.. the things we did togather.. Like the way she used to wait for me.. *Ahem i was a late latif even theen [:P] *

Or the way i used to read *loudly*

I remember one uncle telling.. if u got exams, whole apartment knows that you do :P

Most of my childhood was spent in my gallery/varandah etc etc... In a small flat of 2BHK that was my havan.. my niche.
I would sit there in the evening waiting for mom to come.. imagining the *goodies* she will bring.

Dad was too strict.. so i would sit there and my frineds would stand outside and we would talk hours togather.. joking having fun..

I used to love sitting there n seeing ppl playing.. Many a time i used to the umpire :P

My dad never understood my obsession wid the verandah... he can't.. he wouldnt know the first time i had a crush.. the way my eyes would track the guy down all through his game.. I laughed an dcried wid him.. when he won he lost etc etc etc
Nor would he u\s the memories i ahve of the best laughter.. innocent one :)

Oh well i got distracted! I was tawking abt mah friend whom i met.. well we werent friends for long... hardly 1 1/2 years. But i guess she was a friend when i needed.. juss after my mom died. I dun really remember how many times.. i have been a cry baby in front of her.. but i guess quite a few times :)

I still rememebr the early morning brk fast i got if i went to their place early * we never had brkfast at my place* :( :(

Well, she gave me the first novels i read. I gobbled them up like a parched person gobbles water :D . We studied togather.. al thru the 10th std.. it was fun..

I actually dun remmeber much but it felt nice.. nice to remember and go back down the memory lane...

Well I wrote a few lines for her ...

down the memory lane we meet many times
But in present only once
i dunno what to speak only that .. i am fine
If i dunt speak ... wud i get a second chance?

Yes.. we all have congregated here.. yep u n me... we have coe here to mourn the death of a very dear friend of mine.. Some one who stayed with me more than anyone else did.

I took that someone for granted. never took care of it.. and now that someone is lost and I am desolate!
Yeah and that someone is my harddisk.. Everyday it slaved for me.. ever there.. i added stuff deleted stuff.. formated it. it never cmplained. always there for a song.. movie documents everything and now... and now its gone phut!!

I shall buy a new one but it wont be the same. I bought this harddisk along wid my computer in Oct 2003. And after all these years its gone.. everytime i restart the computer it says.. disk error. I know harddisk u didnt want to go.. u loved me...

And now u r gone.. like all goood things in life u shall remain.. in my memories..

Rest in peace my lovely darling HDD of 40 GB from SAMSUNG...


Amen!

Okay. Today was fun but i am confused. Is this what i really want? I dont know.. mostly i think i am juss too lonely. may be this is not what i want. this is stupid and idiotic.. i dun wanna make the same mistake again. may b ei wont make it this time around?

I dun know. I am known to be repeatedly stupid : I guess i dunno what i guess.. i liked it. I more than liked it... welll it was juss too romantic.. and too idiotic :P

Oh shoot.

I dunn have anything to say actually.. but i think this is stupid.. i am going to take a step back thats all.. things going too fast nowadays scare me big time!

This was one of the wonderfullest day! I actually loved shopping [:P]

Yeah i did!! I went wid my sis for her birthday shopping.... I end up shopping more than she did [:D][:d]

I bought one pant khadi waala pants n 2 tops.. then we went to jewelry shop.. hoping to buy her a ring ... but she didnt like them.. I end up buying 2 for myself [:P]

And then it started raining so we returned home.. then in the evening i went out again to buy her gifts.. it was a tough choice but bought her a watch and a glare from fast track!

hope she likes it!! *fingers crossed*

And now... i got to clean the house... plan food for next day and then.... wrap the gifts... decorate the cake tc etc etc

too much work!

Tata guys!!

* i am already tired [:O]*

Yeah I am in mood to rant today... but nothings new that requires ranting.. so am dredging up old stories :D

Well I am kinda disillusioned by few of my hostel friends .. esp guy friends.. all through my college life i felt.. okay those are guys and need to support each other.. so never felt bad abt it...

But later on i had few issues in my life.. and since they know me better than the other guy (or so i assumed) they will support me

Case 1.
Talking to my friend some 2 months after my break up.. havent discussed wid him at all.

He: yaar woh tujse pyaar karta hai

Me flabbergasted

Me: tuje kaise pata?

He: Kaise pata kay.. karta hai isliye hi toh tujse ab bhi contact me rehna chahata hai

Me: Do you know y i accepted him.. do u know y i said no? Do you know the story?? Do you know him???

He: Yaar, fir bata na kya baat hai...

Well buster.. u dun know what the story is. You know me. I am a reasonably intelligen person even for a gal. Buddy I have adviced u some. sometime atleast... In that case, assuming i have average intelligence, If i have said no.. means there is an important reason for me atleast to brk up.. so u shud support me not some stranger romeo [:x][:x]


Case 2.

I scrapped my friend and his friend scrapped me. I didnt like him and i tole him to stop scrapping me.

Enters friend.

How could u make fun of his english? Didnt expect this from me

*Bullcrap*

Me: See i tole him not to scrap me. Didnt listen so i was pissed.

He: He says u scrapped me.

*cant explain my emotions. outraged is more likely*

Me: Why the hell would i even consider scrapping him? I've got many friends to chat wid any point of time and besides if i wanna talk too i shallnot talk to some useless guy!

No reply for that. Only said, dont talk to him. I said fine. His friend scraps even today!


What I am trying to point is, without knowing without anything these ppl supported a guy! Well i dun mind your being clannish and et al. But you guys know me for like 5-6 years. Common yaar, atleast consider our friendship for 6 years before u support some stupid stranger. And if you really wanna support that guy.. all it proves is my stupidity to consider our relation as friendship.. its nuffin but company in the time when there were no other form of entertainment.

It has been my one more step of disillusionment!

Well now i dun expect any better from you both......

Yeah thats right.. I am juss too tired to think of a relevant topic name. No this is not a normal rant. This is an protest against a stupid tamil serial's stewpid episode's content.


I never ever watch TV often and if i do watching a tamil serial is rare as in once in red/blue moon... And today of all the things i watched a snippet of it. This goes this way

Gal: i know u will leave me. I know u r finding reasons to leave me. I knew it when u even asked me that u will leave me

Guy: What the heck! how can u make joke of my love? U kick me u scold me.. do anyfin but never question my love

*utter crap*

They go on this thing many times.. and then the guy is frustrated ..

Oh i forgot the venue. How can i. The venue is a normal temple wid a "some tree" :-S. This tree is a common occurance and the tree in which all that "thali" are kept dangling.. For non-tamil readers.. its a tree where a yellow thread wrapping a turmeric root is dangled. this stands as mangalsutra...

SO back to the story.. the guy drags the gal to the tree wid she protesting and then... and then SLAPS HER...

Can you believe it?? Slaps her and then ties the mangalsutra.. in front of ppl. And most ppl only say.. Ahem the pujari comes and says.. u have married in a nice muhurtham and puts flowers!

This is fucking heights! I mean these bozoes are showing that it is right for a guy to slap his wife.. his would be wife on TV!!!

And do we wonder why the abuse on women keeps increasing inspite of education???

ths is aired in evening.. i wanna ask all the parents.. is this what u want ur children to learn??


that its okay to hit a girl?? its okay to forcefully marry her without any care for family and et al???

Its a shame that the censor board never tried to remove this particualr scene!

Its violating the ethics if u show rape on screen like in bandit queen.. which actually happened.. but BUT BUT its okay/.... its okay when its shown in small screen in TV which every household sees. :

I am goddamn frigging bored!!!

I miss my online friends.. no one seems to be online when i ma.. when earlier atleast 3 of them wud be at any given point of the time :( :(

Well day was wonderful... One my orkut friend called me.... he is in bangalore.. shall meet in in few days i guess :)
and then met an other friend from orkut .. had a fun evening.. the night is a let down.... in my hurry i forgot to take any novel wid me.... its soo frigging boring!!!!

Most of the time.. i am very apprehensive if i hve to meet new faces.. online its different... but offline a lot of stuff comes into picture.. mainly subconsciously... Well but it did go very well..

I met one of my orkut friend today offline.. we didnt know really a lot abt each other although we knew of each other.. we had many common friends interacted a bit etc etc etc...

Well we talked for minimun 2 hours.. but how the time went i never knew.. we kept talking and it was widout effort.. Lets see how it goes from now :)

I look forward to many such conversations over a cuppa of coffee... I enjoyed this meet a lot..

Yeah truely.. It wasnt much of a perfect morning.. or if it was i wouldnt know i was busy sleeping !!!

I was supposed to be at i-volunteer office by 12 and i got up by 12:30 .. yeah the same ole story... all u need to see is my very first post and u wud know all abt this [:D]

Oh well... so.. i stumbled wid half open eyes in the i -volunteer office by 1:40 i think.. And guess what sumit was late [:P] *for valid reasons* still late than me :P.....

Well we were supposed to practice for the skit.. i had fun wid that.. not that I had a big part.. language is a big constraint Le sigh!!

So laughing and joking all the way we reached the garment factory we needed to go...

Oh dear me! I never told what we wre doing and why.. we were going to provide aids awareness to workers of garment factory :)

Oh well i did a miniscule part that could have been omitted.. but it was still fun.. we joked so much.. teased each other etc etc... It was a second college time :D :D

There a guy from AID india had come.. I liked what ever he spoke about i am interested bigtime :)

I visited the website if you would like to visit click here

They have so many projects that I hardly know where to start!

I think i am going to eat the head of the guy who was gulliable to give me the number :D
And then while coming back i got lift till jaynagar 7th blk :D :D . The lady i was travelling with was a social worker since long :) She gave me various tips and advice and i tole her i can design her website for free if she likes.. that would be a good project for me to try :D :D

I am excited.. lets see if she agrees.. All the three ladies from some mahila organisation who were co-ordinating were soo dynamic.. the lady i was talking abt was the family councelor.. I can see ppl easily opening up with her.. she has the charm of next door neighbour with warm heart.... every one knows some lady like that :)
There was a leader of the three who was soo dynamic on the podium.. like a politician she talked.. if i had better grasp of the language i would have liked it better.. and the third lady was the treasurer.. she was a different kind of a leader.. she took time to talk to every one.. from the general manager of the garments factory to me! :O she complimented me for my minuscule role !! Whoa!! to the lady who offered us tea at the ned of the seminar.. she made everyone feel special thats wonderful!!!

Now coming to the script itself.. we had brilliant actors really the good boy was/ is soo funny :)
He looked credible but still funny! And bad boy was a perfect bad boy.. his tone intonation.. seemed as if he really was a bad boy like the narrator says.. in the real life he is very good.. [:D]

Ahem coming to the narrator :) He is an awesome speaker.. he wasnt speaking to the ppl.. he was speaking with them.. thats the difference.. the way he was making ppl respond.. the humour the command.. it was a treat to watch... and lateron when i got to know more abt him and the bad boy.. ahem anand and shayish (hope the spelling is right) i felt all the more positive for them..

And there is this dynamic bundle of energy amit :) that guy is soo dedicated and soo confindent now that is something i wish i had.. such a powerful persona.. he is a kind of guy who would never be ignored :D

Wondering y no gals??? ofcourse there is!!

Let me talk abt the sweet lil gal (ahem y am i acting like a ole foggy?? she is only 2 years younger than me i believe or 3 thatss alll) well she is sweet and shy :)

I think i can be friends with her very well :) i teased her abt the kid soo much .. ahem the kid was a monkey wid a tail.. i teased her al the time and she was good sport abt it...
And there was quiet and yet outspoken Imal nice name isnt it???? it means help in malaysian :)

she was the doc in the skit... though she was doing it for the first time.. she did it so nice ly so comfortably!!!

it was a treat to watch her :)

I guess by and large it was a wonderful day until i reached home :((
Y does this happen?? y do i always have something bad wid good???

For starters.. i didnt get rick easily.. and thats when i remembered that i had office and it was 8:20!! my cab comes at 9-9:15.......
And all the auto waalas werent ready to come.. so i had to ask the guy that i shall pay 10 rupees extra.. finally home to see sis juss woke up and food wasnt prepared.. lucily i took shev puri home juss on the whim..

Le sigh reminds me of my mom sadly and suddenly i wanna cry :O :O
god knows y.. i am crying :( momma always used to bring things (may be coz.. she used to return around that time home ) we used to wait for her... to come and bring something.. fruits.. chocalates.. biscuits anything.. something!! all 4 of us will eat it togather have coffee and then she would cook and we wud do something!!

i am missing that right now acutely :O sometimes i am weird really !
To miss something that stopped being some 10 years back.. when i ddint miss it any day in the past i am missing it now??

Oh shoot thats not true! I waited i waited so many days.. i stopped myself thinking so many times... gazing at the gate.. thinking she will come right now.. ab 7:40 train aaya hai :(

Oww stupid me whats the use thinking abt it today? No use .. le sigh! so where was I.....

Yeah once i finished wid it and tried to go online the Airtel's server was down :O :O

So it was.. came to office.. ahem ahem my office computer broke!! i had to login to a diff computer and then i cant login to one tool...

Utilized that time talking to a very drunk vishal :P he he he
He is so cute when he is drunk :) well and thats abt it...

Oh well i forgot to add abt three most important person :D :D Sumit prarthana and Sunita :)

Prarthana and Sunita both are marathi i came to know :) and they both r sooo friendly!! Its so much fun to crack jokes wid prarthana and sunita is sweeet :) very very sweet.. she reminds me of someone but i dun know who!!

Imal is very much like princy :)

And sumit! as usual he is a fun to be with.. easy company no strings no ego down to earth!

Shoot i forgot rajesh!! Now that is one more bundle of energy.. very very sweet :)
He did a story on devdasis in karnataka.. so shameful
I mean even today devdasis exist thats sooo shamefull and the media instead of breaking such stories are busy tracking who kissed whom in the film world :d and the goddamn moral police spouting crap!!

why cant they work on such issues???

Well i am having some discussion with someone abt CSR.. would like to talk abt it some day.. i guess i shud dedicate one post to hiv awareness...

I lost control again. I had promised myself i wudnt.. I wonder why i am not disciplined enough..

I know what i shud do... i shudnt let the hurt be buried.. they need to be scrapped and cleaned.... trying to keep it down.. is something thats festering the wound not letting them heal through the natural process. The anger still hasnt found its outlet....

May be it never would....

I had chat with 2 ppl abt intution.. may be i will talk abt it later..

The discussion was in conjunction with my new dp// the swan.....

My friend asked me.. y i chose the dp.. i hardly knew y... it seemed right..

But as the day passed by i knew y..

Coz i am like a swan.. i look very calm n collected... easy to smile easier to laugh... but

Deep inside there are lotsa stuff going on.. it hides my struggle to stay afloat ..


I hae pasted this poem in my orkut profile.. somehow this seems to be me too:


Like the last leaf on a windy Autumn day
I hang on, fragile but courageously
Waiting for the day to come
When the wind will stop blowing
So that I can be at peace

At peace with myself and everything around me
At peace with the world and all that it bears
Hanging onto a hope that is based on dreams
Hoping that my dream of surviving all adversity
Will finally be realized

But alas the wind is too strong
And like all other leaves before me
I begin to sing , so long

Sad and lost filled with despair
No one to comfort me
No one to care
No one to say, hang in there, be strong
So I’ll whisper my good-byes, and sing
My swan's song

I am bigtime bored. Yeah. Hardly any work (Pssst dun tell my TL) and no one online :(. Never been this bored ever! I swear on my life (Easy thing to swear on)

After so many sombre posts.. I am in light mood. I wonder what I should type. I only have this need to blog. Wonder how I got hooked to it. I used to write.. yep write when I was angry. It was a solace to put all my thoughts on paper.. it used to clear my mind. Lately haven't felt the need. Now I write for pleasure. For the pleasure of reading what I like. Most may think me as pompus, but I actually love what I write. I love to read them in leisure. One more thing i have been thinking of doing since long.. read my conversations with others. Not all ofcourse. but some are worth going through again. I have had my best interesting conversations online :)

There are many things I haven't updated on my blog.. somehow I dont feel the compulsion to write about them...

There was a sad moment today.. I wish I can erase it from today.. but then that is wishful thinking.. surprisingly, I am not aching as I used to.. may be thats become a routine. May be i dun expect much from them anymore.. yes them.. the same ppl i was talking about in one of my other post.

I wish I cud be a different person than what I already am. I wish ppl won flatter me. Really do. Coz that scares me. : I dun know y but I never know how to handle compliments....

I wonder how i manage to give a lot of them compliments....
I have been acting like a kid.. asking ppl around to visit my blog and comment.. Stupid of me.. but i want ppl to praise my blog and when they do i dun take it well.. stupid me :P

My life is a roller coaster ride.. i never know waht my next step would be.. i ahve no plans no dreams nothing.. drifting like a leaf.. from place to place with the wind...

I have become so detached that mostly it doesnt matter that the ppl i consider close are not in contact.. doesnt matter at all that i havent talked to many for long...

If ppl are online i chat wid them.. if not i get bored.. but i miss no one.. and I am not glad of it.. even if it hurts missing is lot more better than listlessness that rules my life...

I no longer care for ppl genuinely.. i donot mean my friends.. I mean i used to be forever interested in helping strangers on orkut.. have listened to endless sob stories... Am no longer interested!

I hardly visit any such comm anymore. May be thats because I am involved in the real thingy!!

Its infinitely more satisfying :)

I am loving everything thats happening in my life.. Well not everything but most of it :)

Next month its my sister's birthday I am gonna gift her a gold ring.. its gonna be my secret.. If anyone wonders y i am posting here.. well my sister never visits my blog.. she never has!

We are so different in sensibilities.. like chalk and cheese! That is the root of our discord!

We want to do things togather but are sooo different that its mostly a disaster if not for both then one of us..

Lemme give an example..

I hate dawdling while shopping esp in crowded places.. I am a lot claustrophobic and smitha loves to check out everything.. esp in cosmetics section where you can try things for free..

I remember that day i was soo frustrated.. pissed yes.. but more frustrated... I cried :P

I was sooo tired and i had to go to office.. so i cried .. makes no sense.. but my tears never do :P


There are others.. smitha never likes fiction and i dun like non fiction : i dun mind her but she feels i waste money with the kind of books i read...

Y the heck am i writing those things here???

I dunno.. juss in mood of talking uninterrupted :P

I still wish my sister sometimes visit here and check my blog.. if for nothing than to check out what i actually think etc etc... I guess i am soo uninteresting for her coz i have always been vocal abt my thoughts.. ALways been voluble...