Passion is essential in life.. even if your life is a piece of shit.. there has to be something worth living for don't u think ?

I mean.. if there is light at the end of the tunnel.. its worth stumbling over.. thousand times.. in the dark.. even if we die by the time we reach the light.. even if we dont reach the light.. and die trying.. isnt that worth more than living in a dull light.. thats neither here nor there.. a life that doesnt give the feeling of "lived" is not worth living dont u think ?

Having said that.. i dunno.. what i am passionate in life about ... once upon a time.. i used to know.. .. or so i think.. but if i have to honest with myself.. i never felt anything that was worth really struggling for..

may be once in blue moon i might be motivated enough.. to prove myself.. but thats not passion.. may be its just a shadow of it.. but really... i make plans.. but i dont get motivated enough to see through it.. I know ppl say.. knwing where u r erring.. is coming half way through.. but thats not true.. not in my case.. for I have always known.. whats lacking.. I call it being "honest" with myself... but for some reason.. i have no interest in changing any thing.. I wish for a change.. like someone wishes for their mother's food when they are away.. wistfully.. I would never really do anything about it... and hence I cannot even cry that my dreams are broken.. for I never tried to make them come true..

When I am in mood.. I rant and rave about this listlessness.. this "emptiness" I find thousand reasons for it.. but the gist of the matter is.. that Deep down.. I couldnt care less... And this sometimes.. scares me.. this "very passionless" life... and sometimes angers me.. and what angers me more is that I dont do anything about it..

I find excuses.. I find justifications.. but well .. I wish I was passionate about something in life...

Even if it was fora man.. may be my family ? my job ? some cause?.. I cannot stick to anything for long..

Anything that comes remotely close to passion is my need to write.. its a craving alright.. and yet.. I don't want to be a writer.. for i know for sure.. that my imagination does have a limit.. or may be.. I am not a very imaginative person.. doesnt mean.. i dont have imagination.. just that its not enough...

Though I am reasonably good as a poet.. i still find something lacking there.. there are poems.. which I find so bland that.. well whatever.. whatever lil passion I have .. I spend it on poems.. so some of them.. do touch my heart.. funnily enough.. they come.. when I am at my lowest.. the best ones i mean..

Umm I am not sure what I am trying to say.. I do know.. but in a vague sort of way.. damn!

Some times.. certain thought.. keep running through my mind.. and when i let it be.. it becomes into a beautiful.. poem.. or a may be an occasional story.. those i like.. only they dont come often..
enough!!!

Umm.. I didnt want this to be a "rant".. but looks like it is one.. No i am not down.. its just that.. well I watched Rock on now.. I was stuck.. by the passion.. these ppl had for music.. the characters ofcourse! I know they compromised it and all... and yet.. it was alive somewhere.. the passion myt sleep.. but it was just there! The same feeling.. I have when I think of people who have convictions...I feel deep rooted respect for anyone who has an ounce of ambition.. simply coz I dont have any..

Once upon a time.. I wanted a normal family... or whatever .. I had a dream of this not so perfect perfect person.. and in a misty kind of way... I will have a fulfilling career.. and kids.. who would never have the complaints.. that I had from life.. and all... where ofcourse i was the backbone of the family.. and yet... nowadays.. I question the need I have of marriage.. I once promised mysef.. I wouldn't do the same mistakes as my mom.. and yet.. I did something nearly just that!

I no longer feel.. I am capable of being so "giving" as I thought I could be.. and I am not sure.. if I really want to take responsibility of a family..

I once said.. I want to live alone.. with no one to bother about me.. or me bothering about anyone... But again.. if I am to be honest.. I have spent countless evenings waiting for a call.. from home.. knowing that it wont come.. it just didnt fit the budget.. and feeling sick with nostalgia.. so much so that.. I could gag.. and yet.. well I did value the freedom.. but at what cost ?.. the envious looks I hid from everyone.. when someone's relatives came to visit.. In 4 years of living in hostel.. my sis never did visit me.. not once! no calls either.. other than.. well only once.. and I so wish.. she never had to make that call!

Life certainly has not been easy for me.. but it wasn't that hard either.. in many ways.. I always found help.. whenever I really needed them.. I guess I am thankful to god for that... Or may be.. its just that my survival instincts are really honed well... And yet.. I wish.. there was something.. I was living for.. even if I failed.. I wish there was a trophy at the end of this rat race.. umm trophy that mattered enough.. to die for....



My secret fear is that.. 20 years down the line.. I shall be saying the same damn thing!

Whoosh! enough rant for today :D :D

I have a secret craving.. of coming home and finding no one waiting for me... That absolute bliss of relaxation when you know.. no one waits for you to serve them food.. oor do something for them.. no worries in the back ground..

A place where I don't have to care about locking myself in.. no one will ask why.. If I don't choose to cook.. no one suffers but me..

If I choose to be half naked beh! no one is gonna notice.. I crave that independence..

Too luxuriously lie down and read a book as and when I like it.. for as long as I want to..

I don't want to hear music loudly even if it bothers my ears just coz someone else likes it loud...

I wanna disappear into oblivion.. be invisible.. so that people go about their lifes not bothering about me.. so that I can go about doing the same myself..

And yet, sadly, I dread it.. dread knowing that no one in this world cares about me! damn! Time and again.. I end up with some or the other contradiction :( :(

Whatever I want .. is something that suffocates me.. what am I to do ?

I want to have a provision to stay home for few days and escape for some more...

May be I should travel alone.. I really need an escape.. Blog is no longer enough :( wonder why....

As usual this is one more rant from my rant factory.. used to come often.. but has come after sometime now...

May be I should rent a rant :D :D

Erm.. just wondering.. is there anything you really crave for right now.. really badly? * just to know I am not the only one*

I know I am not.. umm ppl I am shamelessly asking for sympathy here or what ?

In hindi there is a proverb which says... 'Uppar wala jab deta hai chappar faad ke deta hai' When god gives he gives with well how to say... the things would break ur ceiling .. means gives a lot at a time...

But god gave me troubles today like that! Figure this...

Yesterday night.. I was all set to go to office and not be late.. but well may be due to rain or due to high volume of TV... I dunno I missed the call.. erm and since then things are all wrong.. the ppl in the cab were kinda miffed.. Since then things have been in the downfall.. if u can call it that.. figure this... not following the usual routine.. we sleep without cooking .. which means dad's hungry until we wake up which is at 3:00 clk..

Sleepily we go to kitchen.. more well guiltily.. feeling shoddy.. only to realize the rice and some other stuff is over.. go out get the stuff.. by the time I cook its 5:00 time for my sis to go to office... Poor girl went hungry...

Then in an hurry I opened the cooker.. guess what.. i opened too soon and everything came out hot water rice everything and yeah I was scalded! Bah!!! PBBHHTTT!!

I went to dad hoping for sympathy.. ah not my day I guess.. he let out some sarcastic comment.. Not his mistake i guess.. he was just too angry on me...

Oh yeah.. I burnt the dal already and now it also had water+rice on it... and the kitchen was a mess..

So I lost it and started to cry.. *surprise surprise*

Obviously no one was there to hug me and say.. honey its okay.. so well after a long time.. I got up.. cleared the mess and started to cook again.. this time thought lemon rice is the key... oh well the power went.. so cooked in the dark... figuratively.. * no dont have generator.. n the chargable light was not charged.. so used candles* yeah yeah.. that too didnt taste good.. atleast was edible... If only that was the last of..... I also happen to spill the pulses on rice... not even on the floor.. on rice yay! big mess!!

The power came by 9:00 I get cab by 9:30 .. So I was on the run to get ready... make daddy eat.. make sure everything needed to be closed is closed.. turned off the whole deal.. and then had 15:00 min spare to get ready... One would think I would have had enough.. ah no.. thats not where it stops...

I find that the salwar suit that I planned to wear is still dirty from the wash from the washing machine... so cannot wear it.. the ever dependable black pants had loads of sweety's hair.. and the top needs ironing and I have less than 5 min.. And I can't be late again... So I wash the stains off.. but things can't get easy can they ? The freaking electricity connectivity is such that the switch might work some days and some time it might not!

Somehow I manage to find a outfit that needs no ironing and is clean! Thank god for small mercies!

Then I get the call and I rush.. after keeping food for sweety .. making sure that dad needs nothing more.. and when I reach the point.. The cabs late.. they called me early coz I am always late.. they figured this way I will be on time.. when I chose to be on time yippie!

Finally... we reach office and it rains the moment we reach.. so go partially drenched inside.. One would know how irritating it feels some days...

No it doesn't stop here... I reach office.. someone else is logged in.. obviously fiddled with it.. The computer is super slow.. soon enough get to know why.. the Disk had no space... So much so that I cannot open the drive and move it...

See.. C: drive is out of space.. I cannot delete stuff for I know not if its important or not... So well I cut the stuff.. to paste it in D: drive.. when I open D: drive the comp freezes.. If i forcefully close D: drive... erm the explorer.exe crashes.. so finally I deleted some of my stuff then made some space.. moved the stuff out... and finally could open my tools!

Phew! Indeed.. it doesn't rain.. It pours... Interestingly even the god agrees.. so he flooded the road by my office..

Yeah! Pathetic day came to an end... or did it?

Even today I burnt the rice and the dal in the cooker as I slept off with the cooker on the stove!
All Hail me!! *smirks*

This is a very personal rant but I want it here.. so well I have encrypted it.. for people I would like to share if ever, I will provide password... If some of you guys are curious enough and enterprising enough than may be you can figure out the password.. If you do.. do tell me and leave me a comment :)

Have password?? Click here

They are really very devious! They never come through when i really want them to.. and when I would love to keep quiet and listen well then they just have to pour through.. even when I know that I am boring the other person!

Why!

I wish i had that adorable quality of being able to talk non stop and never bore anyone.. I think I did have it... I wonder where I lost it or how!

I happen to wait for some feelings to come through you know.. somehow they just won't come!

Two hours of talking shit! and it might not repeat again.. fun isnt it?

:| :|

Okay i am going on to being super depressed

So long!

I have woken up today by the wrong side of my bed surely! If i knew this is how my morning would be I would have never ever slept yesterday if that could have saved me from this news...

On the top of that I feel guilty for being sad *sigh* Coz both are really good news.. infact swelling news.. but my selfish envious heart cannot stop being sad n depressed.. *phew*

The thing is like i said in the last post... I am in a rut.. boring job that has no work :| :| everyday is same as next and its making me go completely out of mind...

The only saving grace is the friends I made in the workplace.. They are all such nice ppl.. sometimes they remind me of my college days and I go ummmm in my heart.. it really aches for my coll friends then...

In this past 1 .5 years I have managed to make 2 friends in office that I can really count as friends.. * read someone whom I call when I have to vent out frustrations* I hope they think same for me....

So now that I had made real friends I finally felt home.. felt cozied up ..you know the works.. Finally Bangalore felt home after near 3 years..... And now things are going to change .. and that too super fast!

I mean just 2 weeks and 2 of my closest *best even* friends are leaving the company.. and I feel bereft...

They have got amazing jobs.. They should move! However, am left behind... and... well as time would pass by they wont have time for me too.. they will have more and new friends... we wouldnt b able to relate our lives any longer.. so would say less and finally say nothing....

As always.. I will feel lonely again...

To top that.... I feel like an audience... clapping for someone elses glory.. but why not me?

My other college friends seem to be doing amazing too.. every one is going somewhere.. while I am stagnant :(

Damn I am really super depressed... my sis doesnt u\s... she cannot grasp it .. I know she tries to... And I hate the fact that she has to try and then fail.. to u\s me :| Really It sucks big time!

Boo hoo hoo *really*

A Shoe is such a neglected creature for me.. As long as I have one on my feet.. I am happy.. many times without it... Like on a beach.. in dew soaked green lawns etc etc..

I think this neglected baby of mine has decided to be seen heard and definitely given more attention than usual.. They have decided to break before one hour is gone... mummy save me!

I thought finally shoes have decided to gimme a brk n i dont have to buy once in 2 months ... but no.. In the past 2 weeks I have already bought 5.. yes u read it right 5 pair of shoes and each one of them broken!!

I was wearing my fav black low heeled well cant call it a shoe... it was more like a chappal or something... but damn! the strip broke while I was talking on phone and I slipped :x :x :x :x

Since I was walking and my shopping wasnt done.. and I planned to buy a new one for the wedding anyways... so i bought 2 of them.. one with a lil heels and one withough heels...
something like this one....





But you know what???Surprise! the heel came off as I was walking.. since we were on tight scedule.. I couldnt go back to the shoe vendor.. luckily i cud still walk.. with out... heel on one shoe and a good other shoe.. Yep i did look ridiculous.. now you may wonder why i ddint use the other showe that I boiught... u see... I didnt wanna take chances.. I felt it was my bad shoe day.. well It was...

Now let me tell you abt the 4th chappal.. it got bitten by my dog to non use until visit to cobbler... :( :(

I know keeps happening to me only!

Finally.. for the past one week I was using tht heeled shoe that I bought for the wedding.. I figured since I dont walk much.. cab to office to cubicle to coffee machine to my cubicle to cab doesnt need much walking anyways..

And it worked for a week!! yay!! But I went out today... yep no surprises there... the heel broke... its giving me pointers.. I GOT TO LOSE WEIGHT

So well.. i finally bought a kolhapuri.. that seems more like a guys wear than gals... and yeah.. its completely flat... no heels ... wont take chance no more :P :P

Such was my shoe week.. *sobs*

I feel as if I love to live in a bubble.. A place where nothing but what you want affects you. I have amazing talent to block the unpleasantness in my life. Even when my mom died... the very next moment I was so collected that most of my friends thought may be I dont love my mom at all. Its not that the feelings are not there. Its just that to survive the feelings are to be repressed.

One doesnt have the luxury to get into hysterics when no one is there to hold you to appease you... When only thing that looms in front of you is survival ...surprisingly tears dry lot faster
And you do what you got to do.. So I suppress my feelings.. shut the unpleasantness like it never exists.. for a moment I live like I have no care in the world... I make new world for myself which makes me feel secure until a small gust of wind.. a tiny imbalance breaks the surface tension.. and what remains is the truth.. in such times... all I wanna do is hide.. to escape I use fantasies.. that I keep weaving.. like a last thread.. a new one starts before the old one is even completed as if I am afraid to lose it.... And yet one day I stop... Reality bites?? I guess.. It chews!!

So then I am back to reality... only to find its lot worse than I let myself think.. and guilt sets in... for every moment I escaped... every moment I avoided facing it... But face I have to isnt it ?

Every time the bubble breaks... a part of my heart breaks.. and yet.. new dreamflowers bloom through the cracks.. Its time to live.. Things get better.. Its time to reflect... to feel happy... and yet... my saturnine nature sets in.. and I feel this unknown ache that I can never put a name put a reason to... I drift within myself.. somewhere deep down in search of that wounded part thats buried.. Its time to heal.. to shed those unshed tears... to feel sad.. to cry.. to purify ?

Once again you make a new bubble and the cycle follows...

My obsessive tendency is linked to this bubble phenomenon.. thats the reason... I have to be careful of what habits I cultivate.. I always do things obsessively.. If i like a game. I play obsessively.. A book once started cannot be stopped no matter what.. not even for eating.. And Internet... god knows how tough its to avoid this.. but amazingly.. I have this big time control in me... If i want to stop... I do it... or may be I have sense enough to stop before It becomes a problem.. which ever it is...

I think all the blessings in our life is double edged.. you never know what can be what.. a curse is a hidden blessing.. and blessing an hidden curse....

Like my ex... I created this wonderful bubble.. so full of life.. love and blind trust.. A trust that he didnt do anything to earn than just be.. and I gave it to him for free as if its of no value.. We lived in this bubble for sometime.. me changing all that I am.. trying to hold on to something that never was.. I wanted a miracle.. and I got one.. but I got more than what I could chew... It didnt take long to turn to my worst nightmare ever.. Not just him... but my sister.. she emotionally withdrew herself... She didnt want to discuss him at all.. when All I wanted was just that.. Well I dont blame her really.. in this bubble of mine she didnt exist.. And I was amazingly shitty to her.. It tooks me ages to heal.. but I have.. the scars are still there ofcourse.. I am glad they are.. Coz everytime I plan to be really stupid.. this helps me out!