meena iyer
I dont mean it literally.. but in effect that is what I did today.. there are two major festering wounds in my life.. namely the two guys in my life...

One is a very old friend.. I have been holding a flame for him since I dont know when.. though I haven't told him in as many words.. he always knew my feelings.. which obviously wasnt reciprocated... And yet he kept drifting from one relation to other.. each worser than the last.. and yet never gave me a chance to show how "good" I am for him..

So today finally I put my words into and email and sent it to him.. And I feel great about it.. esp the part where I say...

It might seem arrogant.. but if you ignore my looks and my fatness... you will find that I am much better person than these "wusseys" you seem to find "perfect" for you

I have pined and pined.. hoping you will really find one day how I am perfect for you! I now know you never will

Juts do me a favor and find someone to whom I can graciously lose in competition and not to pitiful creatures who dont know what they want in life and have no spine to follow their decisions nor their love!

I have had enough finally! I really have.. I propbably should have told you before.. but I havent.. but now I will..

He he he! Feels terrific! I have been thinking this and holding on for him for so long that it has become an habit for him as well as me.. it got to shake him and decide if he really wants me or not.. if not.. its time to say good bye! bah!

And also the only relationship that I had in my life.. Amit.. I think its time for me to let go.. to forgive him for what he did.. and myself too...

He was like that hidden wound in my heart tha festered in some corner.. occasionally I would poke it hard.. find that its still tender and let it be.. But finally I have decided that its about time I let the sun fall on the wound and let it heal.. for my poking will never heal it.. if anything infest it more..

So I finally forced myself all evening to read through all our chat sessions on gtalk.. The sessions after the break up to be specific.. for that was the most vitrolic areas.. full of hurts.. and harsh words.. both his and mine..

I guess I needed to read this.. for I realized that the conversations were not as bad as I thought they were.. we even flirted lightly.. laughed even teased each other.. ofcourse there were tense moments.. but there were also moments of concern.. I guess thats what healed me..

There were moments wherein I wanted to hit a reply and say.. you know what.. that time.. I was impatient with you and so were you trying hard to save our relationship.. for anything to have worked out... And now I would love to be your friend.. I could have been kinder.. softer and more patient with you.. I wasnt.. My desicion was right.. Even he has to agree.. and yet.. it could have helped if I was a bit more gentler.. I was hurting so were you Amit! *sigh*

I would love to be friends now.. but I guess it makes no sense to wake up the sleeping dogs.. Anyhow.. I have forgivebn.. and am on my way to forget it :)

Most importantly.. Am healing finally :)

meena iyer
Many months back, almost like 1 and 1/2 years back, I met a very curious and amazingly sarcastic and witty kid of 16.. Back then I didnt know he was so young.. and yet.. we had so much fun chatting on yahoo and gtalk and ofcourse orkut.. The hallmark of our chats was use of "Tamil" A language we both are not really very fluent in... Oh yeah and his name is Akshay.. And here are his some of the most funny pronouncements.. you can also read it in his scrap book!

## Be careful before being the first person to do something that is easy, there is a reason you are the first.

Akshayism 7.3.29

## The simple difference between something which you need and something you have is that your needs keep changing without you having to do anything about them

Akshayism 22(otherwise rejected material), chapter 6 the simple differences.

##When in doubt, accept that you are in doubt

Akshayism 7.8.124

##The only difference between you and me is right now, you read, while I'm somewhere probably doing something productive.

Akshayism 22(otherwise rejected material), chapter 6 the simple differences.

##Depression is what happens when on a sunny day, your triple scoop ice cream falls on the ground because you wanted to know the time

Akshayism 3.1.9

##The size of your brain is inversely proportional to your eagerness to measure it.

Akshayism 5.6.61

##Go to hell, at least you'd be sure you've reached the bottom.

Akshayism 5.3.14

##Yes, No and Maybe. the only three replies you need to know while listening to advice.

Akshayism 3.5.11

##Security is what is given to the strong by the weak, to keep them strong.

Akshayism 6.5.12

##Just when you thought everything is right, your still wrong

Akshayism chapter 7(pessimism for enlightenment)

P.S: If you are wondering what the numbers mean.. he says..

About Akshayism:

The excerpts in my scrapbook(s/b as i recently learnt) are from a self composed document called Akshayism, yes to your delight they aren't copy written so you can use them for making a piracy industry bigger than the one already present of bollywood films.
Though i do not intend to share the entire document, for obvious reasons, you can constantly find scripts from the text.

Ooh and the numbers below aren't exactly random, they are organized to a high degree.

P.P.S: Reproduced after asking the author.. I hope this post makes you keen to post your thoughts onto your Showcase .. yeh it is his blog in collaboration with a friend which has no new posts in a very long time!

P.P.P.S: there you go.. its been posted akki :D

meena iyer
The best thing about losing weight is seeing your drab clothes go loose on your body frame! I mean really.. its like waking from a nightmare and being welcomed in the paradise of good clothes :D Wish I could say the same about my shoes.. am still size 10 :(

P.S: My trainers still don't seem happy with my efforts! Damn! I am trying my level best! And I am losing weight! What more they want??? Actually I know! They won't be happy until I do diet.. and I am not gonna follow any diet that I can't continue all my life.. and the pace at which I am losing is just fine.. bah!

meena iyer
Yesterday I had a gory dream.. not a nightmare as such.. but well a dream I would rather not watch.. As it happens, I was creating a story in collaboration with a friend.. will be posted soon enough..

And I guess that stuck in my sub conscious mind somewhere.. for as I said it was gory dream..

So the dreams goes like this.. I am the audience.. more like watching those silly cheap psycho thrillers.. like SAW .. I have seen SAW I to IV... Umm

So in this movie kinda dream.. there are 3 characters.. it is silly and disjoint.. dont look for logic..

It starts with 2 guys n a girl.. Lets say X and Z are guys and Y is a girl..

So when the dream starts, X and Z are fighting as in whose partner Y would be.. while she sits calmly.. she seems like a little dumb witted..

Somehow then it seems to turn as 'SAW like game show' where in only one person will be alive.. and that person wins something..

in the next scene.. for it seemed like that... It is night.. definitely twilight atleast.. and X and Y are on the tree and Z is trying to climb.. however X n Y dont let him climb.. there is a hungry wolf following them all.. and X wants the wolf to kill Y and let them be..

However, weirdly.. having pity of Z.. Y gives him two glass bangles as weapons.. for that was the only thing they all had as weapon..

Z tries to hit the wolf with the glass bangle and fails miserably! And Then the camera pans at Y she cant see the way the fight is going and is crying uncontrollably.. while X tries his level best to not see as well as console her..

Then its morning... X tries to see if he can see the wolf or Z's body somewhere.. but its not there.. finally they decide to come down to see what to do next.. as soon as X comes down.. the wolf appears and kills him.. and this part was very gory! and yucky! I woke up because of this :| :|

I wudnt have described such a stupid dream.. however, i found this thread in orkut.. and got inspired..

Guys try and interpret my dream.. what do you think this could mean ? I have posted it in that thread too.. I will keep posting their replies here :) Meanwhile rack your brains for the answer :D

meena iyer
Ah my sister says my poems seem very mature and polished.. but my short stories need a lot more polishing :) Ah the first ever spontaneous comment on my writing! Feels great!

Did I ever tell you how I bludgeon my sister to read my works?

meena iyer
A really silly thought came to my mind today...

As it happens, everyday when I come home, I have to heat up the milk. Though it is my sister's set of chores.. she is so nicely asleep that I cannot wake her up.. I do try though.. for you see am so lazy.. and working out does leave me tired.. And all I ever want to do at such time is sleep..

Anyhow, since sleeping that early is not an option.. I need my coffee.. so I make it.. however, I tend to keep the milk in slow flame and sit in front of computer or TV.. And obviously loose the track of time.. and hence, Its been 3 days consecutively , I have been over boiling the milk.. And while I was cleaning the gas stove I remembered early days when my mom spilt the milk.. Dad would always get angry.. He held the superstition that spilling means one's prosperity will go..

While mom maintained that it is an offering to fire god how can that be inauspicious! After all we willfully let the milk boil when we go to a new house .. as an offering and in Pongal...

Anyways.. so I was wondering if any of you knew of any superstition that contradict each other?

Like apparently my dads and mom's did ?

meena iyer
If you guys remember few days back in one of the previous post, I had mentioned about a guy who had issues with using front page ? So this guy came back again for one more change.. And I was firm this time saying I can't help.. and yet when he persisted.. I felt yet again it was easier to do than ask him to leave.. So I made the change for him.. and in return he writes..

Dear *****,

Thank you so much. Remember, you are always welcome to visit and see the beautiful coast of Oregon, USA. Want to learn to surf? I can show you.
Best regards,


I mean what am I to reply to that and yet be professionally formal ? Its not like outsourcing is recent phenomenon.. its been at least 10 years now for sure! And also, its not like the customers don't know that we are in India. We dont lie.. and yet why do they have to write us emails that puts us in a dicey position ?


meena iyer
What to do with the internet that we have at home. Both of us, sis and I have become so used to not having it.. now I don't seem to have time to come online. I have so many other stuff to do.. Even the TV has cable connection and yet it has not been turned ON for a long time . We have become used to not using them. Btw I have become really conscious about my diet nowadays.. and you know what I don't feel miserable or deprived.. I feel great! And I have lost 3 kgs yay!! Its like my body enjoys the lighter me :)
meena iyer
Well this is a meme.. and I have done it already once before.. However, when Alok asked me to do it again.. I thought why the hell not! I have surely more than 12 quirks :D :D

So here I am .. once again unleashing the few more hidden secrets of the the person called 'Meena'

1. Reading habits: I tend to go by the cover when I buy a certain books.. and title.. and the third step is the story line in the back cover.. Also, I can read even in 'zero' watt bulb.. if the story is engrossing enough.. umm and I tend to read while doing potty.. When I was small I had constipation and hence it was an ordeal.. to do the thing.. and books were a welcome distraction.. and now it has become a habit

2. Day dreaming: Most of the time I spend in day dreaming.. not about future.. not about the 'guy'.. though I do that too.. but mostly about random things.. Like the shape of the cloud , of shadows.. and the infinite possibilities they hold.. even people.. like if I see a cute guy going I might think of ways we could meet and talk and stuff.. or if its a small kid selling something.. I would be worried about the goon who might hit her/him if the sales are not enough.. or about the family he/she has.. etc etc

3. Word Eccentricities : I tend to say certain words in certain ways. Some words gets into my vocabulary and then seem to linger there for a long time.. Like haylo( for hello) beh bah etc etc.. In college I would be like ' mein aagayi' With good night I tend to say 'Happy nightmares' (which means even your nightmares be happy) etc etc.. when in school I had this weird way of saying bull shit.. horse shit cow shit crow shit.. any animal+shit.. or well goddamn! You know like 'Damn! are you coming to my place tomorrow? ' I know doesnt make sense.. but once upon a time it had become such an habit! Like using 'like' 'umm' 'erm' 'just' etc etc

4. Songs: I tend to remember the music more than the words.. if I love a song.. more often than not I can hum the tune like.. tan tadan tadan tada dat tat ta ta tada ta dada da da da.. umm hope you get the picture. Also, I get obsessed with some song and keep singing it all the time.. more often than not .. it would be really a rotu and sadu song like.. Chale aaon Chale aaon.. tumhara yeh haseen chehra mein kaise bhool paaungi.. must be a song sung by suraiya.. yes I love old songs :) And with the nasal twang put in with jest!

5. Cooking quirks: I hate when someone comes into kitchen when I am cooking. I love to have the space to myself.. I tend to cut vegetables by sitting on the sofa.. comfortably.. and if I have time cutting might take nearly 30 min. I like to psyche out while I do it.. And I tend to gorge on half cooked meal so much so that sometimes its 2/3rd of what it was planned to be.. I mean the quantity..

6. Other random quirks: I don't like to be touched when I sleep. I hate small and dingy spaces. I love hugging my sweety when I sleep. I even force her by holding her tight :D I sing when I wash clothes.. the choice of song.. its pace depends on the amount of scrubbing the clothes need. I can dance and sing anytime anywhere. I am quite comfortable in my skin and yet I am unnaturally concious sometimes. I love walking in the dark in the night.. and yet some time for no reason I get totally scared and I run home even at 10 p.m I feel de javu a lot.. umm and so many other things! I can keep adding it here.. but I guess I should stop now.. I have certainly written more than 6 quirks :)
meena iyer
Perfect in every way. Resonant with laughter that danced on the lips and some that lay in wait inside your heart. You know when you feel content with everything in life. With your self..

And it was the day that was spent exclusively with my sister sorting out the closet. A day when I forget to mask myself away from dreams that I consider spurious and let my sister color my words.. with mischievous lilt ..

Days I wonder about on those bluesy nights.. about where they seem to disappear.. but not today.. or rather tonight.. It was just so perfect...

And on such days, I forget all the hurts.. real and imagined.. and open my blog out to my sister, using her good humor as a omen may be.. or just I want to share my pride with her.. I dunno which.. but I went ahead and read my poems out to her when out of the blue she said "Why is it that your poems, not all of them ofcourse, for I have not heard them, but the ones you have read out to me is so full of negativity.. so full of sadness?"

And thud.. I am back to reality.. for such cozy moments cant stay for too long.. they spread too thin..

Any ways.. Do my poems seem unusually sad and negative ?
meena iyer
How long will the audience wait.. will they ever be in the spotlight.. Will I ever ?

Sometimes I feel somehow I always end up being an audience
meena iyer
I meet few people who make me realize how convoluted life people live and mine, in comparison, is so uncomplicatedly simple life . Is it mean of me to look into their life and feel the relief that its not mine?

May be. But yes, it makes me feel glad that I am me, and my life is as good as it can get.
meena iyer
This is not exactly a meme.. but loosely like that :)

10 positive things of 2008

---> Got my first story published yay!!

---> Got my poems published in an online poetry magazine

---> Got raise

---> Wrote amazing poetry

---> Met many new people, some of them have become more closer than before

---> Learned to let go of people without rancor. ** This took a lot of effort.. but yesh! finally I can let go of people when I have to**

---> Though I have not worked on it exactly, I know now for sure, what I want from life ** About time yeah!**

---> Been less depressed, less down than in 2007. I made a conscious effort to not be moody, though I might have failed some times and yet by and large I haven't been moody.

---> Used more of my creativity positively

---> Spent more weekends out than at home in front of the TV

10 things I hope I will achieve in 2009

Not resolutions.. more like wishes :)

---> Get my poems published.. yeah I have turned greedy :P

---> If I can manage, to not be down at all

---> Finally do follow the plan of action instead of changing minds yet again

---> Learn time management

---> Learn to forgive

---> Write more poems and stories ofcourse

---> Try to be more patient, with my family and everyone else

---> Travel more!!!!!!
meena iyer
*contrite* And for no reason at all.. It was my birthday :) And well initially I didn't pick up the calls coz I was asleep.. and later coz I was in no mood to pick up the phone and talk.. I had nothing to say about my plans for my birthday.. We did nothing special.. though my sister did try to make "payasam" but incidentally that "burned" for she got late.. I asked her to do nothing special.. just a simple meal.. I hoped that we all would eat together.. but it was not to be.. as I said she was late to office so she didn't have her lunch.. and I had to finish cooking.. and me n dad had food.. I was upset that the payasam got burnt.. Oh yeah I scolded my sister.. why did u have to make it? now that this vessel is burnt I have to clean it up.. stupid really.. I knew it was stupid even when I said that.. but I still did.. I upset her :(

If that wasn't enough.. our neighbors.. really sweet of them.. but well they brought the usual sankranti sweets to offer.. and as usual.. we didnt bother to make any! And that bugged me! I mean as years pass by we seem to celebrate lesser and lesser.. Earlier sankranti used to be so much fun! It meant pongal and til gul ( laddoos made of sesseme ) And it meant sugar cane.. It meant pujas.. though I am not a religious person.. but I love the feel of it.. of agarbattis burning and flowers around.. and well quaint way in which dad wud say "pongalo pongal" before we lit the cooker on which shoots of turmeric would be tied with sun made out.. in kumkum.. it is a silly custom.. but it was fun.. And years after mom died.. we slowly but surely forgot these customs.. initially it was painful to remember.. and later.. we had no clue how to start.. so we made new customs.. We forgot about the puja part.. but always made good food and we laughed and had food together.. and nowadays that trend seem to be dying too.. I dunno who is to blame..

Is it dad with his total indifference to the world.. the way he kind of has taken a back seat and let us take the reigns?

Or is it our weird lifestyle wherein we sleep in the day and work in the night?

Or is it more deep rooted wherein.. we are no longer thinking as a 'family' ?

Well whatever it is.. no I am not upset.. I just didn't wan't to celebrate my bday.. So I didn't take calls.. anybody's after I woke up in the evening..

But in the night.. in office.. we had ourselves a nice little party.. funded by me yes.. but it was long overdue.. Most of my colleagues have given a party on many occasions.. I kept planning I would.. but somehow never did.. so this time I planned that I just have to! And it was fun...

We had food and we joked around until the calls started pouring in.. the usual work day/night commenced :)

I donno how to describe this feeling.. its not hurt or feeling let down.. it is just plain indifference.. i just dont care anymore!
meena iyer
I wonder if it is very vain of me to read my poems and think.. Ah not bad! You do a very good job of it :)
meena iyer
What’s your favorite genre of writing?

Poetry for sure! Its my first love.. but I like to read novels, novellas, short story.. in short anything fiction.. I do not like anything thats non fiction.. Many might say I am missing a lot of stuff.. possibly I am.. but I feel there is too much reality always.. sometimes one just want to escape :)

How often do you get writer’s block?

More often than I would like.. Its not writing as such.. its writing the stories.. more often than not.. I do get a lot of ideas.. putting them in paper or in my case typing them on the blog needs a lot of extra effort..

How do you fix it?

Mostly, I still keep writing.. its better to write badly than not write at all

Do you type or write by hand?

Type! I hate holding pen in my hands so much so that the only time I do hold them is when I have to sign some documents!

Do you save everything you write?

Yes. everything.. I am in love with everything I write even if I am not satisfied with it..

Do you ever go back to an old idea long after you abandoned it?

No. Mostly, I lose interest even before I complete it.. and revising the existing work is too much trouble **lazy I know **

Do you have a constructive critic?

I do get constructive criticism but no one who does it regularly

Did you ever write a novel?

Not yet. I don't think I have the patience required for it.

What genre would you love to write but haven’t?

Thriller! Esp psychological thriller.. its just so hard to write though

What’s one genre you have never written, and probably never will?

Science Fiction!

How many writing projects are you working on right now?

Uff this makes me feel like a 'real writer' Well I have 3 stories that are half written.. and few others I deleted after they languished in "Drafts" for more than 3-4 months.. for I knew I would never continue.. I had lost interest..

Do you write for a living? Do you want to?

I have not as of yet.. Do I want to... not really.. am not that confident about myself

Have you ever written something for a magazine or newspaper?

Few poems for an online magazine.. and well my first short story got published few days ago!!

Have you ever won an award for your writing?

For poem again :) In an contest on Orkut

What are your five favorite words?

Furtively, reflection and piquant.. hope and entwine I dunno why.. but have used them a lot :)

Do you ever write based on your dreams?

Yes. Sometimes :0

Do you favor happy endings, sad endings, or cliff-hangers?

I love cliff-hangers.. but I lean equally towards happy n sad endings.. more on the gory side.. i.e ppl die :D

Have you ever written based on an artwork you’ve seen?

Poems yes. Stories not yet.. I wish to though...

P.S: Prompted at Write on Wednesday
meena iyer
Today has been by far a day when I receive all stupid calls :( I mean being stupid is not a crime.. am i not one ? But why do they have the illusion that they know what they are doing ? ) Umm this is going to be a lil technical.. knowing me.. it will be as lil as possible :) .. after all am bitching about work here!

So.. I get this nice lady over the phone.. Her webmaster doesn't like for some silly reason.. well understandable.. he has a tie up with some other hosting company n he wants to make money.. no big deal! The better way would be to move hosts.. Ah! but this smart lady wants to host emails with us and website with them.. even if it means she would have to pay us for both hosting and emails! We are more than happy to oblige.. however, our servers have certain limitations.. and so they have to follow certain rules .. I explained everything to her in detail.. the call lasted nearly 1 1/2 hour.. and yet within 15 min she calls someone else.. and that person spends the same amount of time...

May be she was rechecking ? well whatever.. irked me really.. to have spent so much time making her u\s... I could have been terse and misdirected her!

In that wasn't enough, my next caller was someone who I figure didn't know front page and yet was the webmaster.. I mean hello was creating a hyperlink so difficult? Even someone with rudimentary knowledge can do it.. Thats not really a big deal so much as his habit of mumbling to himself in between.. and yet when I finally fixed it for him.. I was tired of waiting.. I know it was beyond support boundaries but it took 1 min to resolve and 15 to make him see that it wasn't under my support boundaries and he left happy.. and he was sweet enough to leave a nice email of thanks.. umm but he flirted too.. or was he too exuberant ? Who sends "hugs" to a tech supp ?? :O :O The first for me atleast.. and ofcourse I am butt of notty jokes on the floor.. coz leery of giving out my personal email address. even official one.. I gave him support email address.. so everyone could read it .. erm things keep happening to me no?

The third caller was a confused guy! We had set up everything to his liking and yet he made stupid changes at his "Registrar" end.. We are only webhost so if there is a change on Registrar end.. none of our settings mean anything! I had to make him change it back to us.. and all through it he kept losing the chain of thoughts.. and asked me to wait.. "he was looking at something" etc etc.. and he had 2 domains. One not hosted with us and yet, every change I asked him to make for the website hosted with us.. he made it for the other account too.. and guess how messy it was.. luckily 50 min after.. things were finally fixed.. and he disconnected the call when I was discussing it with my colleague to make sure if I am providing the right solution.. heck I even explained him how email forwarding and domain name resolution occurs.. with no less that "post box" analogy.. And he did understand.. gave me a small high really! I will make a very good teacher :)

And the crowning glory was an ongoing issue .. We have been facing this issue for sometime now. This client also wanted to host the emails with us and the domain name with someone else.... And she was sweet enough and smart enough to follow all I asked her to do.. however... the new hosting company's tech support were stupid I suppose.. or may be.. the one she has been interacting with. I verified all the settings and saw that It was pointing to the destination server but the website was not pulling up. I asked the customer to ask the tech supp of the new web host to contact me which he did. After going back and forth about the same old things that we went about through the client.. made a slip saying that he can login to the cpanel for her account. Which was a catch I was waiting to get hold of.. I mean if one service works others should too.. for its like.. umm a bunch of letters within a same envelope ! If you receive one thing and the envelope was not tampered with at all.. you should receive everything.. atleast it proves that the sender sent stuff.. and you received it.. right ?

Anyways.. finally he went incommunicado ! and resurfaced with a new IP address.. hopefully this one should work. My heart goes to the customer really.. her website has been down since a long time now and she has been with us since 2000.. thats a pretty long time.. Infact she would never consider moving from us.. its just her webmaster who thinks can't work with us...

Really trying to make a quick buck thats all..

I know I come across as blowing my own trumpet.. but some days you just have to.. the utter pig pigheadedness of the people.. in this case the clients and the tech supp from the other department.... umm kinda make me feel What the F!!!
meena iyer
Today when I called dad for lunch.. my sis told him to not step out of the bed without wearing the slippers.. lest I start with my ranting session!! :D :D

My family does have amazing sense of humor.. if only they used it more!
meena iyer
Ah I am proud to say that I have started reading and finished 2 books :) The details are on the side bar.

I will be soon reviewing these books and the links will be updated. For now, I have put some dummy links :)

If you want to read my earlier reviews, kindly visit My Secret Book Shelf

P.S: I couldn't stay without widgets ! Had to add them! Will add the blog list too.. its hard to keep track of all the blogs otherwise :( I wud have updated the links today itself.. infact I had too :( But stupid blogger didn't save it! now I have to do it all over again!!!
meena iyer
Now that I have started blogging I can't seem to stop and earlier I could get myself to start!

Anyhow, as I mentioned in my previous posts, I have been donning my thinking hat a lot offlate.. And while I was doing that I kinda stumbled upon this fact

a) I am an excessive person.. whatever that means...

b) Blogging consumes you until nothing is left...

The first point is self evident and doesn't require much of an explanation.. for if you see past few previous posts, Umm I am on my 4th post already and if time and inclination permits the 5th post of the day just might come through!

And the second point...
Well it is true!

You start writing for you want to express.. want an outlet and blogging provides it.. One blue moon day, you write a story... and lucky for you, you get so many good reviews that you try harder next time.. to improve ... and soon enough you forgot to write for yourself and you write for others.. And then you write more than one post a day..

And then comes a day when you become discerning about what you would write and what you wouldn't.. what works and what doesn't.. and then slowly but steadily you start finding faults.. the writeup which worked perfectly fine before becomes intolerable until... the spark to write loses its shine.. when writing is no longer a pleasure but a way of life.. and then slowly it trickles down to 2-3 post a week.. a month.. a year.. until you totally stop writing..

And yet, you keep creating those posts in your mind.. long long after you stopped blogging
meena iyer
I guess.... there is something about closet cleaning that makes you wistful no? There are things you would like to forget and some that you wonder how the hell did you forget!

Like when I saw my diary from college times... I wondered.. how can I be so forgetful.. I mean the only thing I remember is ranting in my diary.. I have also written some opinions and some small part of fiction too.. ofcourse its no where near to what I write now.. not that now I write really well.. but this is worse than my current standard.. but I guess my first piece of fiction .. no its not a story .. its simply a writeup..

I am so tempted to paste few of the lines in random.. hope you enjoy it as much as I did ....

Ummm I just came across the phrase "With selfishly thirsty love" and fell in love with it.. I wonder where I got this phrase from!

Or the quote...

Emotions are unreasonable so are men.. ** couldnt help but laugh when I read this one**

Or Death can be overcomed by the power of resurrection ** I wonder what I was thinking when I wrote this**

And now...

Deep in the wilderness, somewhere, whence no one ever stepped, bloomed a flower quietly.. soft and beautiful.. In the open air it danced, with the recalcitrant wind, unrestrained it played with the butterflies and the bees...

Away, Away from all the world, from the dreary routineness and worries of future, stood a flower, proud in itself, proud of its bearing, for it held a secret, A dream, cherished by many .. desired all through the universe.. and yet she held it in her bosom, close to heart. A secret that lay in wait, to be disclosed. A truth that was innocent, untainted by the worldly influences...

It is not known if this dream would ever come true, if this secret will be ever disclosed.. and yet, this dainty flower sways with the breeze.. dances with the leaves.. uncaring .. almost with open abandon so much like a child.. She knows its but matter of time.. the sun will set and she will wither away.. or a strong gust of wind might tear her away from her home.. towards the unknown.. and yet she doesn't let it mar her present.... the future has to just wait.. in future...

I so wish I had a time machine to go back and to find out what was on my mind when I wrote this.. who did I base this metaphor on? Me ? Alas.. I don't remember!

Ah and an entry about some book that I read.. too bad I haven't mentioned the name.. and on the margin.. i tried to figure out the spelling for 'psychiatrist'!

Or the way I described the last outing I had with my college friends....

It was as if all the ideas and dreams are coming together to form a new tomorrow.. I am heartened and feel as optimistic as I can be under circumstances..
And it was difficult! That phase has passed now.. and still its so nice to know that I did feel optimistic and never lost hope isn't it ?

And the last entry is on 29th July 2005...

Why is it so hard to leave old known world and come to a new place?

Just before we moved to Bangalore from Mumbai, for good....

Oh yes.. and I prayed.. I prayed so hard.. most of my entries are addressed to "God" asking for help.. God help me concentrate.. I feel no motivation to study.. its just 10 days for exam and I havent started anything yet..

And I am glad that I have also thanked God.. time and again.. for being so merciful and setting the paper so easy :) and for many other bounties

The joy that I felt on my birthday in Jan 2005.. which was ultra special.. or the sheer effusiveness with which I described my school... I just have to share that...

Today I visited my old school. I never really felt like going back but when I did, now I feel like am inside a brand new school! So much has changed. How different.. yet so familiar too.. the shop in the back where we brought chocolates and stuff was still the same.. so was my favorite corner by the "tank" where I dreamed about writing poems.. and wrote some songs too... [If only I had sense to preserve them.. My best friend from school has it.. even now.. isnt that really sweet? Too bad we are out of touch now! ]...

I still remember where my class was.. where the science lab was.. its delightful to know that its still in the same location! I feel like kissing the very walls of this structure.. Like screaming out loud.. Ah I am a part of this legacy .. the product of this school.. How strange! I never thought I am sentimental.....

P.S: Even then I tended to delude myself that I am not emotional ;)

Well thats it! I haven't written any diary since I came to Bangalore.. I guess blogging took its place :)
meena iyer
Ah a little too late won't you agree? But lots happening and I seem to have only one thought in my mind.. "Ah ! I want to sleep and rest" I mean literally... Yes house shifting is tiring but never have I felt its so tiring as this time.. I guess I have put on a lot more weight than I thought I did..

You know you have to lose weight when your Dad gives you advice on how to lose weight


I seem to have a lot of time to think nowadays.. Well what else can you do when you handle the drudgery of unpacking pray tell me! Besides everyone seem to be busy.. I get less phone calls lately.. so I have been internalizing myself a lot :)

Ah well a news " I get internet connection soon" yay!! by friday.. finally after abstinence since Diwali I get a free hand... umm well I do come online from office but its not the same.. You are going to see a lot more of my posts.. not that I post less now.. yet...

Few more observations...

The harshest words are said in the softest tones

My dad really pissed me off the other day with something really stupid and I blew my top.. here I was working my ass out which I tell you doesn't happen often .. skipping sleep and my dad comes up with some harebrained ideas that kind of poke at all my healed wounds and make them bleed raw.. and then with a very innocent face he will act all hurt and say something that would make me feel all guilty! Damn!

And.. I finally found my power! Yes I really did.. most of the time.. at home.. I am amiable.. simply coz both my sister and dad are violent people and also are very stubborn.. and they do need some peacemaker no?

So I don't easily loose my cool.. and if I did I always tend to cry .. and I can cry so easily.. I have even known to shed some crocodile tears.. once upon a time I could will myself to cry.. my mom feared I would become an 'actress' :D :D .. well thats a different story all together..

So back to the story... which has not started yet.. how I ramble!

The new house that we have shifted to.. is amazing in every way but one... it is chilly.. the floors are chilly and there are so many windows.. in morning with all the light coming in its heavenly.. however in the night it brings in cold breeze.. So well I went out and bought slippers for everyone to wear it at home.. both my sister and dad kept complaining about the cold but they wouldn't do anything about it so I went and bought them.. my sister and I have the same shoe size.. and well dad has almost the same size.. so I could buy the exact fit .. A lil fancy for sis and very light and functional for dad..

Ofcourse I expected a pat on the back.. which i didnt get .. on top of it.. no one bothered to use it and they kept complaining...

Ah before we get to the climax... I have to give you guys more back ground information..

I have been walking to and fro from the market which is a good 30 min walk.. ** no i dont walk a lot.. i prefer auto rickshaw** So in the evening in the cold I went out and bought it.. infact on the same night as the key incident..

After a grueling night shift.. I was supposed to stay up and work... however, I couldnt and slept off [ at around 7:00 a.m] so did my sis who also had a night shift.. now suddenly by 1 p.m we both woke up with a start and a lot of pent up guilt that the work was not done.. it was time to lunch and cooking was not started.. so both of us divided the chores and started working...

There is something really satisfying and pleasurable about working for your family no ? And then, when you all sit together to have something cooked by you.. and which has been cooked really well.. can't explain.. but a feeling of 'all is good' steals on you.. Riding on this contentment.. I set the dining table..

Umm most of the time, its self service at home.. we all prefer different timings to have food.. however, as per the new rules that we set for ourselves, breakfast lunch and dinner were to be family affair and more importantly must be had on time.. for we are known to skip them.. esp me.. We generally skeip breakfast as thats when we come home from work and mostly I skip lunch.. so apart from evening snack my only food for the day is dinner wherein I invariably binge..

Anyhow, so I set the dining table and very sweetly asked dad to come to the dining area.. I guess most of you will agree that more the parent age more childish he /she becomes.. atleast its true for my dad.. Everyday.. we have to cajole him to come.. and that day was no different.. After a lot of 'maska -polish' he came to have food.. and when I asked him to wear the slippers before he comes to the dining area.. he fumed and scolded me for no reason.. And ofcourse I simmered..

Did I ever tell you that I am a brooder? Well I am.. any small incident that happens to me is analyzed inside out.. and if something hurt me.. I keep thinking about it for a long time... holding grudges is more like me... So I was angry on dad and sitting in the sofa when I noticed sister is not using the slipper too ** I know seems like a silly issue.. but well when its family it doesn't matter no? **

Anyways, I don't remember what exactly happened... but me n sister argued about something.. just coz i was irritated and I snapped at her.. and then I let hell loose literally...

Umm i raged so much about this seemingly stupid issue that both my sister and dad quietly went and wore them and came back.. they didnt answer back.. which spoiled the fun actually.. i was dying to fight! Anyhow I couldn't help but laugh at that and the whole effect was lost..

And the moral of the this long winding story is..
If I am a little less amiable and more demanding.. sometimes what I ask does happen

Well I guess they were just startled to see me lose cool over nothing :)

Ah but it worked yay!! I am going to sparingly use this.. but next time if I want something to be done.. am not gonna wait until people realize it is the right thing to do.. I am going to browbeat them into submission.. like I force dad to have "Bath" everyday.. he kinda hates the cold and makes excuses even if we get hot water through the solar heater.. as I said he is childish :)

P.S: After I posted the other post I kinda got inspired to post this too.. I didn't change the title because umm I dunno .. I just didn't wanted to!
meena iyer
Ah I am so tired lately that I haven't had the energy to blog actually... Infact have 2 other posts that was supposed to be posted.. waiting in the draft.... this is by far has been the longest time I have been away from my blog ... I cant help but post atleast 3-4 posts every week and on days when I am inspired.. 3-4 per day..

I guess I am taking a break.. what with work.. less to non existent sleep to intermittent visitors and a very agitated dog.. I have been exhausted.. gone beyond it infact!

Also, two things have happened that made me realized how endlessly stupid I am.. nay.. make it 3!

Incident 1.: Venue: Office... ah office restroom to be specific...

I went to the rest room ** ours being a small office only has one for men and one for women***

For a very long time now, I have been the only female tech support. And these past months I have been in afternoon shift, wherein a new design co -ordinator has been hired. This fact completely slipped my mind. When I went to the restroom and it seemed to be bolted from inside my imagination leaped bigtime and I assumed the worst i.e that someone has done suicide in the bathroom...

And I even told this to a colleague .. I was so freaked out about it.. and when he made me realize it was well umm the new co-ordinator... you guys should have seen my face.. I was utterly embarassed.. and ofcourse everyone had a nice laugh about it :)

Incident 2: If you think incident 1 can happen to anyone .. afterall forgetfullness is the part of anyone's nature.. you will be convinced now! As it happens, I was given the responsibilty of getting a duplicate key made in the market along with some other chores. I had to get 3 keys made and the guy told each will cost Rs. 75/- and also that he will give me a discount and the end cost will be Rs. 250/- which I agreed to readily.. bargaining is no longer my forte..

Any how once the key was done and I paid up.. not once did I think about it.. 2 days down the line.. I happened to be thinking ** which I have been doing lately.. never at the right time though** And I realized 3 keys @Rs.75 comes to Rs.225/- and he didn't give me any discount.. infact I have overpaid.. I mean how stupid is this? As my sister says.. I am very forward in giving money but not at getting it back... I didn't want confront him with my stupidity :( on which he must be laughing already!

And Incident 3: Its not such a big thing.. though it could have been.. I forgot my debit card in office and didn't realize until it was time for me to come to office.. i.e nearly 15 hours later! Luckily our office is full of honest people and I got my card without any untoward incidences! Anyhow.. it was lucky that it wasn't my credit card I guess

So with utter stupidity I start my new year :(