Its weird I no longer get right titles for my blog posts!
Well today my sis went for her big date.. I am soo happy for her.. n soo sad for myself.. Cant stop feeling bad for myself! :x all day i was like she will be having fun wid him... every happy though was tinged wid wish i was too.. whats wrong wid me??? Cant i juss feel good for her?

I feel sorry for myself coz i know how heady the feeling is.. the bubble of new love.. i wanna catch it again...

But the fact is.. my taste in men sux.... * if we can rilly call some of them men * Psssst...

I can safely say that only the first guy i ever chose was truely worth it.. but then.. i was juss a kid of 14 what i knew abt love???

What do i know abt that guy? nothing!... Cant say i love him anymore...

I had this guy pursuing me.. it was soo wonderful... but i let him go.. i was scared of what could be : i let him go and he never came back... i regret it.. i so much wished i took that chance...

i wasnt in love wid him.. but it was romantic to be pursued... he was a decent guy n i let him go.. * shows my taste*

Then i inexplicably fell in love again .. this wasnt love of a young girl.. it was a love of woman.. but still innocent and confused ...

And that guy is a.. i dun know what to say.. he doesnt juss love me .. n i guess i am still half in love wid him....

I dunno why i forgive his mistakes * as i perceive they r mistakes*

I as a rule find hard to forgive... but not for him.. many times i think.. may b this is real thing..

but then i went ahead and had a serious relationship... didnt i?

And thats again is a big obstacle!!!

i kinda dun know what to make of it.. its still an unresolved mess!! its the fucking most awesome and the most degrading experience of my life...

it has marked me for life.. thats for sure All of my other crushes were one sided... and this was so i have no words for it.. mersmerising? engaging? humiliating? belittling?? none fits the bill :(

i feel sad for myself coz i dun have someone to turn to.. and i can ahve it too.. only the price i got to pay is too high :

i recently got into some thing that can be loosely called as a relation although it is not so...

it was partly good and partly... somefin i dun want it to be :

i am juss not sure what i want... i feel sometimes all i want is juss a good fuck and thinsg wud fall into its places.. however when oppurtunity shows itself i find outt hat i cannot juss have fuck n forget :

i juss cant do it... its a revelation for myself...

Having thought through it today i found out that everytime i fell in love i was going through a emotionally lean phase!!!

Well not exactly falling in love.. but accepting that i am really in love :

i am not sure if i u\s what love is.. i sincerely doubt my ability to fall in love completely.. its jusss too much for me

The first time i fell in love.. i had lost my mom... the second time.. dad fell ill and the third time i was on my leanest phase.. nuffin was right.. n the other time i got ngaged.. n it wasnt love at all i wanted to fill in the void.. i wanted someoen to hold me .. keep me warm.. '


Only my deal didnt include well having sex! :

i want romance and flirting .. may be a kiss or two loads of hugs but nuffin further...

I think i shud turn lesbo [:D]

i can never get a guy right!

not like my sis... she knows what she wants and she can wait for it.. she doesnt go for cheap thrills... she goes for real thing!


i wish i had that elusive quality my sis had! U see i am juss too approachable too open to really be interesting :

its not like ppl dun like me.. but its juss that i am too familiar to hold their interest for long.. am not talking abt relationships only i am also talking abt friendhsip!!

most ppl love talking to my sis than me.. even though i am soo approachable.. its coz she is always a mystery or may be coz i talk ears out of ppl? :O

i dunno

Psst i hate this word.. I dunno.. how come i never know anyfin?

As usual i ahrdly know what i ahve written! today i have excuse... i am high on ciggies i ahve had more than half a pack :D


Nah dun shake ur heads! its juss one off time... i really wanted to... i never cross 4 and i never smoke every other day.. only once a month!

may be i will have one more what the heck i wanna :D