I dont mean it literally.. but in effect that is what I did today.. there are two major festering wounds in my life.. namely the two guys in my life...

One is a very old friend.. I have been holding a flame for him since I dont know when.. though I haven't told him in as many words.. he always knew my feelings.. which obviously wasnt reciprocated... And yet he kept drifting from one relation to other.. each worser than the last.. and yet never gave me a chance to show how "good" I am for him..

So today finally I put my words into and email and sent it to him.. And I feel great about it.. esp the part where I say...

It might seem arrogant.. but if you ignore my looks and my fatness... you will find that I am much better person than these "wusseys" you seem to find "perfect" for you

I have pined and pined.. hoping you will really find one day how I am perfect for you! I now know you never will

Juts do me a favor and find someone to whom I can graciously lose in competition and not to pitiful creatures who dont know what they want in life and have no spine to follow their decisions nor their love!

I have had enough finally! I really have.. I propbably should have told you before.. but I havent.. but now I will..

He he he! Feels terrific! I have been thinking this and holding on for him for so long that it has become an habit for him as well as me.. it got to shake him and decide if he really wants me or not.. if not.. its time to say good bye! bah!


And also the only relationship that I had in my life.. Amit.. I think its time for me to let go.. to forgive him for what he did.. and myself too...

He was like that hidden wound in my heart tha festered in some corner.. occasionally I would poke it hard.. find that its still tender and let it be.. But finally I have decided that its about time I let the sun fall on the wound and let it heal.. for my poking will never heal it.. if anything infest it more..

So I finally forced myself all evening to read through all our chat sessions on gtalk.. The sessions after the break up to be specific.. for that was the most vitrolic areas.. full of hurts.. and harsh words.. both his and mine..

I guess I needed to read this.. for I realized that the conversations were not as bad as I thought they were.. we even flirted lightly.. laughed even teased each other.. ofcourse there were tense moments.. but there were also moments of concern.. I guess thats what healed me..

There were moments wherein I wanted to hit a reply and say.. you know what.. that time.. I was impatient with you and so were you trying hard to save our relationship.. for anything to have worked out... And now I would love to be your friend.. I could have been kinder.. softer and more patient with you.. I wasnt.. My desicion was right.. Even he has to agree.. and yet.. it could have helped if I was a bit more gentler.. I was hurting so were you Amit! *sigh*

I would love to be friends now.. but I guess it makes no sense to wake up the sleeping dogs.. Anyhow.. I have forgivebn.. and am on my way to forget it :)

Most importantly.. Am healing finally :)