I have been wanting to write abt this from ages.. but u see writing abut something you dont even like is kinda hard thing to do... Today am bored enough to bother to do it!

Well when i was a kid.. my dad kinda wouldnt allow us to watch much TV... so well it had this forbidden pleasure kinda attraction.. whenever we could.. we would be in front of th TV.. even if was just DD that we watched... We never had cable until most people already had it.. Like somewhere around 2005 .. yeah u heard it right... In between the TV crashed and dad said eh wont repair it.. n we shud one when we can afford it.. so from roughly.. 1999 till 2005 we never ever watched TV.. Yeah! no wonder I am not addicted to it....

Well since the TV came.. we had this novelty attack wherein we would watch it like crazy.. nowadays its reduced to the time when we have food.. or when my sister is on computer and I have to wait...

However, things have changed.. I have deleted my orkut profile.. and... got too much time on me.. thats y I keep watching Tv... my fav channels are.. travel n living and disnep :)

In between I keep scanning and watch movies and et al...

Also, nowadays I watch NDTV imagine.. its got good stuff.. yet i know it wouldnt remain so as soon as its TRP increases... isnt it sad ?

Continued from here

In silence I seek answers
For questions unformed
Is it any wonder
that Silence is all i get ?


These words went through Meera's mind as she relaxed in her chair in Roxanne's.. one of the bustling salon in the city! Roxanne was a friend and her personal stylist from her college times... all she has to do is relax.. Roxanne ew what she liked.. Meera was in safe hands.. generally while Roxanne worked on her she would dream sweet innocent dreams.. Roxanne didnt like to be disturbed.. but today Meera couldn't help but think about Sandy... and of their first meet or lets say their first fight.......

Meera was the newest recruit and was intimidated by the large establishment where no one had time for any one... One week since her joining the company she hardly knew whom to contact when her computer wasnt loading up.. She was struggling to make it start without making it apparent.. but it was not working. Thats when Sandy sauntered in.. She had noticed him before ofcourse! His a-mile-wide smile.. that laugh-with-me-all-of-you-laugh.. so inviting.. her eyes followed him all day through.. hoping to be part of his inner circle hoping to be friends.. He wasn't very handsome.. but there was this earthiness in him that attracted.. Silky hair that never stayed where it should.. always falling on his face.. that lazy slouch as if he had no care in this world.. and yet she knew.. he was one of the most hardworking guy she has met.....

"There is the number for the IT guy" Sandy said, pointing to the stick up note on her cubicle. Meera felt stupid and mumbled a thanks . She couldnt believe how star struck she was! Acting all coy and shy...

" You can use my computer while IT guy fixes it. I have a meeting to attend and its free.. I will call Pratik for you.." Sandy continued.

" I will wait thank you."

" Suit urself. Its there if you like" He said and moved away.

Meera was bored waiting for Pratik, the IT guy, who took his sweet time coming around. Slowly she moved to Sandy's computer. Simply going through pictures.. checking out the songs and applications and all ... thats when she saw a dairy on the desktop.

She deliberated if she should read it or not.. She was curious so she justified by thinking that if he wanted to hide he wont keep it on the desktop surely ? So she opened it... She saw the first poem..

In silence I seek answers
For questions unformed
Is it any wonder
that Silence is all i get ?

She was hooked.. so much emotion.. She felt as if its her life in his words... she couldn't stop!

As I traverse through the inroads
Of my rambling mind
Noise ..Noise everywhere..It comforts
Voices from forgotten past.. Explodes!
What am I trying to find ?

There I see a door that I avoid
Door that holds all the answers I seek
Yet always am afraid to reach
To open.. afraid to find
What if there is nothing but a teeming void ?

This was the first poem she read.. and she still remembers it.. even after 2 years verbatim.. she remembered.. especially on days when she feels lonely... It was as if he understood her heart.. It was comforting to know.. there is someone who knows what she goes through...even if that person never would like her.....

Voices in my head
Do they ever dread
Silence... unreachable

In some corner of my heart
hidden under many layers
A lost child.. Some dreams thwarted...


" What do you think you are doing ?" Roxanna wailed.. jerking Meera to reality! " I have to do this all over again. Can't you sit still ? First of all you take no appointment and then you have a deadline of few hours and then you dont even co operate! How could you do this to me?

Roxanne took her job seriously and chastened Meera kept still by the time roxanne was done. She knew Roxanne will do a spectacular job whether she co operated or not. But she knew its not good to irritate Roxanne. If she had time she would have teased ..like she had done many a times before.. but she didn't have time so she settled back again. Soon she was back to that day when someone else said the same words..

" What do you think you are doing ?" A cold voice said in almost whisper.

"You scared me!" Meera said taken aback.

" Hey I read your poems. They are simply amazing! Wow! Can I read more of your works please ? I know I shouldnt have but am so glad I did it! You are too good!" Meera gushed with her compliments. She kept talking as he kept becoming more livid by the moment.

After few moments she realized he is not as amused as she is and became silent. Then he said " What makes you think I wanted you to read my PERSONAL diary? "

" But it was on the desktop"

" Yes.. it was on my desktop... I asked you to use my computer not read my diary.. Can't you understand what diary means?"

" Look I am really sorry if you didnt like to share your poems. Please forgive me. I didnt mean to pry"

" Why don't you stuff your sorry and return to your desk gal ? Looks like your comp is fixed. " He said offhandedly.. The more she apologized the more rude he became.. atlast he said.. will you go please? I have work to do!

Meera was never as insulted as that!. She was wrong but not so much as to create this big scene.. She hated him since that day.. and like beetle in the bottle.. he has been bugging her ever since! Talk about keeping grudges.. he is like heights!


Since that day Meera decided to give back all she gets.. somehow they both have started liking this sparring.. the only thing Meera didn't understand is how he can be so sweet to everyone.. but her.. those first few days.. she expected to feel lonely.. Surprisingly many people sympathized with her and became her friends... Esp Rhea...she was like " What the hell! He keeps boring us with his poems.. and when finally someone is genuinely praising him.. He is a weirdo" This brought a smile on her face.. Coz rhea was her bestest friend in the world.. her twin soul.. her soul buddy.. all the adjectives in the world were less to describe Rhea.. Mama bear.. comedienne sweetheart.. everything coupled in one big package.. Rhea was beautiful and had a busy social life.. she tried hooking up Meera countless times.. Life was synonymous with fun for Rhea.. She knew Rhea would be shocked out of daylights to see her with Sandy.. thinking about that lifted Meera's spirits like hell.. It wont be a bad evening after all..

Meera thanked Roxanne.. she was distracted and Roxanne was miffed. Meera knew she has to make amends for her behavior.. Saying sorry in the thoughts she rushed home ...

Next Chapter

I feel as if I love to live in a bubble.. A place where nothing but what you want affects you. I have amazing talent to block the unpleasantness in my life. Even when my mom died... the very next moment I was so collected that most of my friends thought may be I dont love my mom at all. Its not that the feelings are not there. Its just that to survive the feelings are to be repressed.

One doesnt have the luxury to get into hysterics when no one is there to hold you to appease you... When only thing that looms in front of you is survival ...surprisingly tears dry lot faster
And you do what you got to do.. So I suppress my feelings.. shut the unpleasantness like it never exists.. for a moment I live like I have no care in the world... I make new world for myself which makes me feel secure until a small gust of wind.. a tiny imbalance breaks the surface tension.. and what remains is the truth.. in such times... all I wanna do is hide.. to escape I use fantasies.. that I keep weaving.. like a last thread.. a new one starts before the old one is even completed as if I am afraid to lose it.... And yet one day I stop... Reality bites?? I guess.. It chews!!

So then I am back to reality... only to find its lot worse than I let myself think.. and guilt sets in... for every moment I escaped... every moment I avoided facing it... But face I have to isnt it ?

Every time the bubble breaks... a part of my heart breaks.. and yet.. new dreamflowers bloom through the cracks.. Its time to live.. Things get better.. Its time to reflect... to feel happy... and yet... my saturnine nature sets in.. and I feel this unknown ache that I can never put a name put a reason to... I drift within myself.. somewhere deep down in search of that wounded part thats buried.. Its time to heal.. to shed those unshed tears... to feel sad.. to cry.. to purify ?

Once again you make a new bubble and the cycle follows...

My obsessive tendency is linked to this bubble phenomenon.. thats the reason... I have to be careful of what habits I cultivate.. I always do things obsessively.. If i like a game. I play obsessively.. A book once started cannot be stopped no matter what.. not even for eating.. And Internet... god knows how tough its to avoid this.. but amazingly.. I have this big time control in me... If i want to stop... I do it... or may be I have sense enough to stop before It becomes a problem.. which ever it is...

I think all the blessings in our life is double edged.. you never know what can be what.. a curse is a hidden blessing.. and blessing an hidden curse....

Like my ex... I created this wonderful bubble.. so full of life.. love and blind trust.. A trust that he didnt do anything to earn than just be.. and I gave it to him for free as if its of no value.. We lived in this bubble for sometime.. me changing all that I am.. trying to hold on to something that never was.. I wanted a miracle.. and I got one.. but I got more than what I could chew... It didnt take long to turn to my worst nightmare ever.. Not just him... but my sister.. she emotionally withdrew herself... She didnt want to discuss him at all.. when All I wanted was just that.. Well I dont blame her really.. in this bubble of mine she didnt exist.. And I was amazingly shitty to her.. It tooks me ages to heal.. but I have.. the scars are still there ofcourse.. I am glad they are.. Coz everytime I plan to be really stupid.. this helps me out!

Today Meera had no interest in going to the office. It was an occasion she dreaded.. namely 'The annual party' which she cannot excuse out of.. her future depended on it.. And some inspired romantic dickheaded higher up * read screwup* has decided it would have a couple entry only leaving her scampering for a date. And all her efforts didnt yield any result. Her love life was non existent and all her friends too let her down... she didnt blame them for not coming . Her office parties were boring!

Meera kept thinking how to get out of this quagmire.. as she walked through the corridor. The lift didnt work.. making her mood even more worse than it already was!

" Sorry honey! I would have loved to come with you but Rohan asked me out one month back!" Sally's high pitched voice echoed through the corridor..followed by whispers that ended with a giggle

"Naughty boy! alright!" Sally continued just as Meera entered the room to witness a sloppy kiss.

"Let me not disturb you. " Meera said shortly..... glaring pointedly at him! She woudn't look at Sally. She was sure she would blush in embarassment. It was better to be angry and it was easy to be angry on him!

' Great way to start the day! He just had to be here to watch me squirm!' Meera thought while he smiled amusedly. A lazy languid smile which invites you to return it..but she knew this smile was deceptive.. the guy behind was cold.. stone cold...

Sally was too embarrassed to linger around... She quickly walked out of room quickly leaving them alone together.

Sandy was not in good mood. He didn't have a date for the evening and to add to it the kiss was ended by this prissy lady... He wanted to let it out... to fight with someone.. and she seemed a good option...

He turned to Meera and said, " Its my day alright! While others get dates all I get is a sloppy kiss that gets interrupted by a rude lady"

Meera acted not to notice thinking that he would get the pointer and leave but he had other plans. Sandy came near Meera and repeated again pointedly.

" Atleast you got a kiss! Look at me!" Meera quipped.

Sandy was just about to say something rude.. but couldn't do anything but smile.

" Why don't you complete that kiss for me ? After all I am entitled for that!" , Sandy asked mock seriously.

Generally, This is when Meera would get angry and the fight would start. However, today she realized that Sandy can be answer to all her problem.She could get a date and be assured that he wouldn't hang around her or expect her to primp and smile. She wouldnt have to beg her friends.. or fend off desperate attempts of some random stranger that she would have eventually picked up! Besides the gossip mills would run over time and in the meanwhile she can make his life a hell...

So ,with an almost flirtatious and mischievous smile, she replied " A kiss is too paltry.. you have got urself something even better. A date! Pick me by 7:00. "

" Ah this is soon becoming my lucky day . Wouldnt I just love going out with you ?"
" Gee! I would love to be alone with you and do amazing lil things..naughty things.... Like we are here now.. I would so love to give you a demo"

Sandy said as he moved closer and placed his hand on her shoulder and pulled her close. However, his tone was sarcastic to show how deliberate this is.

" Ah so much chatter and no action.. So if you excuse me..." Meera said as she stamped his foot with her heels " I have shopping to do" She pushed him and went out. Leaving him howling in pain.

Sandy was left stranded as she strode right out of the door. He was furious and the pain slowly pierced through his consciousness... He was shocked to feel this attraction for her... and as always took refuge in anger.
He was sure to make her pay.. He would publically make her suffer! he decided...that shrew! No gal ever talks to him like that!

The anger didnt last for long.. All through the day he found himself thinking about her wonderful smile.. a smile that lights the room when it starts, a smile straight from heart. She is not at all bad looking at all if you ignore that bulging fat! She is sweet down to earth and funny.... But she always rubbed him the wrong way..like now and yet he always seeked her..He liked talking to her fighting with her.. He wouldnt admit but he liked her more than he was comfortable with. '

I should bet my brains checked' Sandy thought angrily. the question was who he was angry with....himself or her...



Meera went out of the room and stood in the corner for sometime to let her erratic heart beat stop. She's crazy for sure! How can her body react to him that way when he is systematically insulting her ? Really its not like he is some greek god or anything!

She was about to let him kiss her. He mesmerized her from the start.Since the day she joined. She wished so much to be his friend.. however.. their relation started with a wrong foot and stayed that way till date. She is no longer sure what she feels for him.. Its a mixture of respect liking and yet she hated the very mention of his name!.. He always made her nervous and unsure.

She was determined to stun him! Its time to let Roxane do her magic she decided. She would tantalize him all evening and then triumphantly go home she decided.

Next Chapter

Seems this has become my second fav topic to write on..

*sigh*

Words are soo powerful.. what can you not do with it! You can build an empire.. you can destroy one too.. and yet.. you can just waste it...

Words..

Somehow now I am at loss for words...

How often do you feel it ? I feel it all the time.. and the very fact that I feel it makes me feel guilty.. big time guilty! Its like a spot in my personality that I try to hide.. to overlook...

Anything and everything makes me feel envious... I see 2 happy friends.. I become wistful for mine... A kid wid its mom.. giggling.. I wish mine was there!

Well if I read a well written blog.. poem whatever.. I wish it was written by me.. or wish if i could write as good.. etc etc...


I am not jealous of ppls luck.. am glad for them.. but i wish i had my luck too... may be its not luck.. its just name.. who wants things but doesnt wanna sweat for it...

Sometimes.. I hate me!

Today is dedicated to one of my friend who is flying to USA in August... Its been ages we haven't chatted on phone and we did now... I realize that although we were not in contact much... there is still a corner in my heart that cares for him... very much.. its like a bitter truth that you drink and swallow no matter what.. You like to forget it.. but like a bad penny it resurfaces and hits u smack on the face.. I guess bad penny was a bad analogy.. but what the heck you get the point.. I know am gonna miss him hard esp since he wont be coming back once he goes.. How I wish I can go there too.. For the first time.. I wanna accept that I would love to go and explore.. expand my horizons.. but the thing is... I know I would probably never..

I wonder if this need is so acute coz he is going there?? Lets just say he is one of the "he" In my she stories...


So once again.. we separate.. I kinda think am the one of t he most repressed persona round.. someone who kinda can never resolve her feelings..

I feel betrayed and yet I am glad that he bothered t let me know even if we are not on contact much..

I always knew he would go.. am glad for him.. but i wish i cud be there too :(

Is this envy ? or what is it?

Sheesh!

Today am in mood of blogging.. though do not have any specifics on mind some vague dissatisfaction is back.. May be i am so used to being dour.. errr may be its my saturnine nature :P being capricorn and all.. If this is true I am gonna fight wid god.. how come he didnt give me other qualities? :P and my dad n mom too.. why cant they plan kids? :P


Oh well i dunno what to talk abt :(

Should i sign off ?

I guess!

Tada!

No I am not gonna write any of my dreams here.. I am going to talk about dreams..

Coupla years ago, I was working in this company.. where we had a communication coach called as "Kanya" Nice name isnt it?

Well.. this lady was very good in judging people.. she judged most of the people.. and mostly her approximation and mine matched.. so i was secretly thrilled... And in the end when she came to me.. she said... I am sorry to say meena but you dont seem to be a career woman.. you would be more interested in family and all..

Those days were my initial job days and I was hugely pissed about it! I wanted to make big and all..

Over months that have passed by.. I somehow see some truth in it... As far as I can remember.. my dream was.. meeting a guy who falls in love with me.. someone who is soo good that I admire him.. and well.. we decide not to go against parents.. my family thinks its arranged... but his knows.. blah blah.... happy married life.. wid small issues.. and kids .. who r picture perfect...
And ofcourse we would be successful... its like assumed...no concrete goal... I never wanted to feature in IEEE journals... or digit or business weekly.. no such ambition.. I never wanted to be employee of the week... or director of a company... just a plaun software job with recognition for my work.. I never wanted to be famous... but successful enuf to be invited to parties and all where my family would get praises all the places...

For long I was ashamed of this dream and ashamed of not having any ambitious drive.. Well yeah I am a hypocrite.... Well its time to accept.. that i dont wanty much from life.. hopefully i would get a guy who would fall in love with me... thats more than enough for me

One is not a loser until one loses ones confidence in oneself.. The day one believes that he or she cannot do something.. thats the day he or she loses in life..

I guess I got to think about this a lot.. may be what i lack is not the skills not the talent.. but the will ... the belief in myself

Have you ever wondered about galileo or socrates? I mean these people died for their convictions... Wouldnt it be amazing to have this irrefutable.. undeniable faith in oneself? I wish I have that in me.. Somehow i do not have it... Not that to die for conviction.. *sigh*

Have you ever wondered about success?

Isnt it funny that without or with success we are essentially alone ?


I mean think about it.. if you are successful..most of the people hate you.. coz u r there where they would like to be.. and when you are not successful.. people have no use fo you.. they cannot bask in reflected glory and feel important..so they drop you like a hot potato.. So essentially one is alone.. then why does one neglect family n friends and is crazy about being successful?

I guess the illusion of being inn power n being popular.. Well I would say.. illusion better than delusions..
What do you think?

Today has been amazing wrt orkut.. I didnt feel the urge to login at all.. Like my friends says.. atleast I slept well.. I slept for a long time.. but rest of the day sucked :| :|

I got up late.. so late around 2 pm.. No food cooked for dad :| :| He was very disappointed in us *sobs*

So hasty cooking later.. erm the one that sucked big time! I am so ashamed of my cooking today :(

So much so that.. he didnt eat much.. sEE?? I got to get my act togather.. else my dad would suffer for it.. I can maage to eat pizza n all.. but my dad doesnt eat out.. so if we dont cook.. he stays hungry :(

So I will get it together for sure.. Its my promise to myself.. and I plan to keep it..

One more thing.. post orkut.. I dont feel like coming online at all! I wasnt online all day.. just now... I came.. so that I could blog.. isnt it amazing?

Wondering what am i doing here ??? at this time ?? Still an insomnic... but today am not gonna sleep... so in the night..i will b so tired that I will sleep! Am counting on that to get my sleep timings regulated...

I have also other plan... after one month.. when I create a new profile as promised to Jigna.. I will continue to be online but only from office.. the moment i come home.. no orkut... If i cannot handle that.. am gonna quit permanently :)

Like this silver lining... Have you ever wanted to look for something better ?? I always do.. I am never satisfied by anything in my life.. I mean.. lets take a simple example of shopping.. especially for a purse.. I am not a purse kinda person.. I like small jholas.. or well wallets.. I dont like just any wallet.. I like them unique ones... * well there arent any unique jholas.. but i like ones that are atleast not very common.. trendy stuff strict no no*

So when I go shopping... I search each and every shop.. and if i am not satisfied .. I wont buy it.. lest I miss something better that comes in the way.. even after buying i dont stop looking *Le Sigh!* Lets say I did like something.. its not like i would buy it! I would still scourge the whole lot and then buy it...

This is only for the stuff I really love.. like bracelets.. and finger rings and purses.. Rest like clothes and all.. I dont bother much..

Err.. My point is.. even if i like a stuff.. I would still search for something better..

Let me give one more example... If i am kinda watching TV.. I am liking what i am watching.. lets say my favorite song and all.. and yet.. I change channels.. I dont wanna miss something better on the other channels.. most often than not.. there isnt any thing good in the new channel n i miss seeign the channel where that nice song was coming.. All in all its not a good habit.. looking for something better.. coz you never know what is in the future.. but u do about whats in present..

I guess the samething has happened with regards to guys... I have not had a real big crush since college... I mean someone I would bother to ogle.. steal glances and all that jazz... I think I will die spinster *sob sob sob*

After ages of dillydallying I finally deleted my profile.. To tell the truth its not easy..And I didnt get any support from anyone.. :| :|

From disbelief that a girl like me can keep away from orkut... to being hurt that I deleted it.. no one seems to understand my need... surprisingly not even my sister... I guess its been a bigger part in my life than I believed coz even my sis was concerned if anyone said anything!

LMAO!!

So how do I feel about all this ? I am morose.. yep very morose.. but one fine day I just have to face it.. and I am doing it today.. *sigh* I may have used orkut 100 times today.. Ask my co -workers! LOL!

And the day has not been easy... Yesterday, I logged into orkut even after deleting it.. surprisingly.. I could log on.... I know I got tempted.. but I didnt think overcoming this obsession would be as easy of deleting the profile.. but I know.. am on the right path!!!

So after logging in on orkut.. I deleted the profile again! And the next time when I tried to log in.. I could not! * damn right I tried again!!* Things cant be easy can they ? But I am proud that I deleted it again.. but sad that I couldnt resist it :(

If things would stop at that *sighs* I made one more profile * I can see your smug expressions* :( :(

But deleted it again .. luckily.. I havent tried after that!

Well so at the end of first day... I wasnt really very successful.. but not unsuccessful either I am aghppy with my progress [:)]

P.S: Nishant you may be right.. replacing one with another... I watch TV now :( :( But sooner or later I wil come on right track.. Its not like I would improve in a day!!

Today I came out with a frightfully amazing idea! Dream a date!! I can see you ppl clucking your tongues

Well a gals gotta do what she gotta do... If no guy would take u out on dinner.. u ahve to make do wid dreams wid like situated ppl :)


So.. I had a virtual date with 2 of the guys...

Wid one of the guy.. we chose to go to an open air restruant.. planned to have wine and cocktail with Mexican cuisine.. Before we can expand on this... we got rudely interrupted..


With the second guy...

He chose to be a bigshot who would take me to the moon for valentine.. All out to impress isnt he?

Starting with a limo to the space shuttle.. with a mini bar well stocked with champagne... We rocked from the start.

Next seeing the amazing stars.. being one with them for some moments.... Watching the earth down below... feeling soo small and yet feeling special... we landed on moon..


I should tell you how happy i was.. i weighed 1/6th of what i am!! :D :D :D

On this happy note we had one more shot of champagne.. err do we say flute/glass of ? or shot of?

Who cares! we had champagne and toasted to each other.. this followed wid dinner which was no doubt and exquisite affair!

With amazing mouth watering delicacies... Indian cuisine ofcourse.. topped with julab jamun as the desert..

If that wasnt enough we had one of the most amazing desert!!!



And then.....

We had planned for a boat ride.. however the hotshot got a call and had to leave..

Since work is worship.. we decided to stop there and continue from where we have left later..

With promises for tomorrow we parted *sigh*

Wasnt this amazing ?

No I am not talking about my best friend.. yes I am gonna talk about the movie.. By far I am not the movie person.. If you ask me about any movie most prolly i wouldnt have seen it.. but this movie..

I have seen like 10-15 times and yet time and again.. I keep seeing it.. from the start till the end.. its not the story that intrigues me.. its the little details in the story that does..

The most amazing part of the story is the characters of the hero n julia roberts.. you got it right! I dont know his name.. who cares Duh!

So... one of the best scenes that I love about this movie is the end... When julia kisses the hero..and he run behind his love.. cameron diaz.. right till the end.. the way julia accepts her crime... The humor with which the hero takes in her misdemeanor..

And the second best part is the last exchange of the two divas... the way julia does her duty as the best friend...

And when they are married n going for honeymoon.... The hero comes back to give the last hug to his best friend.. THAT was the bestest of bestest scene for me.. Coz that shows the love between friends better than anything else... You can forgive ur friend a lot more than u wud ever forgive ur family!

And not the least... the last dance sequence... I will say a lil prayer for you.. the last dance we could say.. it rockxxxxx!!

I wish I had a friend like that.. who would support me the way George does for Juliana.. or Jules [:D]


If you havent seen the movie.. u better see it!!

I reach home. Tired and a little bit miffed. Dad left for mumbai and I couldnt see him off. Somehow I couldnt even talk to him on fone! *pathetic*

Home... a muffled voice of TV... changing shadows as I lie on the sofa..

In some time I get up have a glass of water... Need no food... And then slowly moving to the computer... For the usual thingy.. And yet.. today is different.. As I smoke my first cigarette... down comes the rain

Plop plop.. tic tip... slowly.. gently.. the breeze caresses me.. brings wid it.. wet smell of fresh grass.. delightful..

Unknowingly, my legs moves out to terrace.. It needs to be welcomed...Soon I have a partner in crime.. u guessed it sweety [:d]

And then.. we dance in silence sweety n me! As the raindrops drench me .. slowly but surely.. I feel my senses being assaulted.. with pleasure...

Dispelling the gloom that collected in the corner of my eye...

As tears mingled with water.. cloaking me in collage of water as it starts pouring.. As if.. heaven knew I need a hug..

I stood there mutely .. As I was purified.. And then it stopped.. only thing that would remind me of this rain was the wet cigarette stub.. still clinging in my hand...

Rain came unexpectedly.. so does tears nowadays.. needs no reason..no invite

I had a pathetic day today! Cold n sneezing n cough.. didnt brighten my mood a bit.. Somehow even chatting wid ppl i usually chat is bugging me bigtime.. and yet I cannot not chat wid them..

So well i was kinda depressed when i reached home that dad wont be around today.. not that he really talks much or anything.. its just that the fact that someones home... :| :|

So I return home.. to a cold empty place.. silence all around.. silence in my heart.. no anticipation no one to worry abt me!

I come back to a cold hearth.. not a plate of food.. not a cup of coffee.. who has time to bother??


Slowly I collect the hastily strewn clothes.. as one tear escapes un knowingly..

And before i know.. its a steady rainfall...

And on some days...

I come home.. loll on the sofa.. Look around and feel happy.. this sofa i sit on.. i bought it.. that TV that dining table... The cot the bed.. The washing machine fridge..every damn thing ours!

mine n my sisters.. its just 2 years and we have done so much.. yes we did it!
I feel glad.. I feel tall! taller than my 5 ft 1 inches!

I feel great!

And yet somedays.. it seems empty.. and .. it haunts me... Like some unknown sorrow on a cold wintery night!

May be its just reflection of my moooodddd n nothing whatsoever to do with emptiness
May be the emptiness is in my soul and no where else.....

I think that more than the event itself.. Anticipation is more fun..

A bitter sweet emotion
A rain in the sun
A drop of tear while having fun

Isnt it?

I mean.. have u ever waited for rain all the summer? isnt the first shower fun? but soon we lose interest y ? coz there is no anticipation.. for ppl wid silver spoon in their mouth sucess has not much meaning.. they r used to it,,,

Now look for a guy from marshes!

Ask him what success is.. ambitious one ofcourse...

He will have sooo much anticipation... and when he achieves that much satisfaction...

then isnt there more fun in anticipation??

Do u anticipate things?

Today one of my school friends wrote me a testimonial.. Took me back to the school days.. there is not much to remember actually.. i mean i dont have much happy memories..

Figure this .. a sloppy girl with no homework ever done.. one who keeps asking questions.. even if she knows the answer.. even if the teacher repeatedly asks her to keep quiet.. one who always knows answers during revisions but never ever comes first.. with the filthiest handwriting around.. one who is put down as a "problem child" in teachers report.. *sigh* I was a pain in the ass.. I had this silent rebelllion.. i will accept any punishment but wont ever complete my homework.. even if i am made to stand outside my class for 15 days.. finally teacher had to give in...

Someone who never made close friends.. someone whom ppl wud trod on.. It was a lonely experience until later...

Till this date i never submitted my marathi homework... even if i scored less except maths.. thats where i found my salvation.. i was the best at it!

The generally proclaimed genius who never scored.. most teachers gave me up for being a loser.. like some brilliant child that never ever shines.. until sabita teacher.. our English teacher.. she made me dreams about poets.. i loved English like a creeper.. gorging and wanting more... It is she who asked me.. whats wrong with u meena? why did the other teacher marked u as problematic?? u see my sister.. the best student of her class.. was this teachers pet.. she was expecting something like that from me.. but was disappointed *still hurts sometimes*

Still the best part of school would be the scholarship days.. we had rocking fun! absolutely.. that was the year when for the first time i took part in dance.. I was hopeless actually.. and yet the people who were teaching me.. pragati's sisters were soooo patient with me!

So was her mom who would gladly give us breakfast... it was a revalation to see their wonderful family... ours was best a very aloof family..

I think i wouldnt have ever become what I am now.. if it wasn't for Grace teacher.. Only one teacher who was sure i will achieve something... She inspired me.. by her words.. her encouragement.. more so by her absolute faith in me :)

And ofcourse JK sir.. my tution sir.. He absoluetly bolstered me for what i wanted.. I was the star pupil of his class and he wanted to make sure that i really stay upto it..

My tution time was the most amazing time in my childhood.. just after my mom died.. I actually made friends for real.. isnt it ironic.. all my 9 years of schooling i didnt have a single friend to be called a " friend" and then suddenly overnight.. i had a bunch of friends ... A group..

I think the most beautiful retribution i ever got was when on a chance meeting .. I met the teacher who had tagged me as problematic and that i wouldnt ever progress...

She was shocked to see me.. doing engineering and all.. esp in out batch of 25 i was the one who was doing engineering and all her pets didnt fare that well.. It was satisfactory indeed..

Since few days I had this huge knot.. it was there even today till the night.. but since i came from office to home.. something changed.. i feel light again :)

Alrite!

The weather is just spectacular.. just right to have a nice heart felt chat :)

Somehow this funny idea has come to my mind .. I want to describe how my "man" should be

1) Sense of humor.. a big time must!
2) Kindness
3) Ambitious but must make me his first priority
4) Should love poems and dogs and reading.. or shud have active hobbies to let me b free to read..
5) Must like long walks
6) Romance is a plus point not strictly required
7) shouldnt be very possessive insecure n jealous.. thats my department :P :P :P
8)Positive attitude! I actually cant stand pessimism!
9) A good listener... Should have endless patience where i am concerned
10) should start n end a day with me.. but in between his focus should be diverted to others too.. If i want a pet.. i will keep one..dont need a husband for that!
11) A family man obviously.. A man who doesnt respect his family wont ever respect me
12) Must be frank.. up on ur face.. when one talks in hints and nudges.. i dont get anything..
13) I am not his object neither is he mine.. Mutual respect is must
14) Must like nature... like hiking etc... If he doesnt mind me being fat.. it would be amazing!
15) Most important of all.. I should be sexually attracted to him :D :D

Any takers?

YAY!!

Its time to document my chennai trip.. as usual it had some funny moments some great ones..

And as usual the universe tried to make sure that i dont go !!

It started with me bungling with booking tickets.. trusting someone who let me down... so at the end of the day i went in an non permit bus.. traveled 10 hours.. it was supposed to be the first meet

Damn! i lost the mood to write it now :| :| :|

So we met it was without any discomfort.. talked chatted... listened to music sung songs.. went to the beach.. took pictures then i came home..

Thats abt it!

Confusing like madness
gentle and insistent
a unknown ache,
All night keeps me awake
mocking as I writhe
In unidentified longing
Incomprehensible sadness

Recently i have been away from home.. i shud b feeling on the top of my world.. somehow i feel faintly depressed.. not exactly depressed.. just faintly..

Things bug me .. i donno why.. and am on my escape from the world mode again..

Me thinks.. i dont need reasons to be depressed.. am pathologically depressed.. coz right now there is nothing in the world thats wrong with me.. everything is just right.. but yet i have this huge knot in my stomach that wont unwound.. i have no idea even whats making me down...

i have been contemplating to turn off internet at home.. but then i still wud have access in office.. so doesnt make much diff... however.. it wud still regulate my online time.. isnt it?


need to think abt it.. i think i ahve internet addiction.. if i dont come online i have withdrawal symptoms..


Isnt it ironical? we choose online life to not feel anxiety of broken relations .. jilted emotions.. in effect not much involvement..

however we end up feeling all of it .. more penetrating coz we open up just too soon.. hurt just too much... and yet forget all the more faster..

its like a merry go round of emotions dont u think ?

Most people take it so much for granted.. I guess i know how important it is coz i lack it.. that absolute confidence that you belong to someone to somewhere...

If someone asks me where i am from.. its so hard for me to say.. do i say am a mumabikar?

I have spent so many years there.. and yet.. its not my home.. I can speak marathi fluently.. but not like an native.. it is not mine.. do i say hindi?? no its not mine too.. neither tamil nor kananda.. I have no language ... no way!

Am i belonging to tamil nadu or karnataka? or am i maharastraian?? so hard to determine..

So hard to say that i belong completely..

I remember the first time we admitted dd to the hospital.. when they were collecting information about him from us.. we realized how lil we know our dads past.. and even more less about our mom.. its like there is this huge void... nothing ever existed before we were born.. its eerily spooky..

I remember once my friend while making fun of my tamil said.. it shudnt matter to me if ppl make fun... coz i dont know the language..

Doesnt she u\s.. every time ppl make fun of my lack of language skills they reirterate the fact that i am a misfit?

Its better when you dont know the language completely.. u say am sorry i dont know.. n that is it.. but when u know a lil of it.. its easy for ppl to laugh.. they think it doesnt hurt... but it does.... i guess ppl dont notice coz its not their hurt...

Sometimes i feel such a misfit hat i wanna die...

Recently one of my friend told me.. how dare you take few hours from me.. coz i was late.. I can never do it.. i can tell ppl.. hey dear.. am there for you.. I can never ask.. will u b there for me.. most of the time am so damn scared to ask.. i am waiting for someone to say that and mean it.. not coz they expect me to be there for them.. but just coz they feel am special...

I wish i cud look at someone with sense of ownership.. no matter how close i am with anyone.. i can never demand.. never demand.. time or attention.. i wud b grateful for what i get.. but can never demand for it..

Sometimes i wish i can b rude to random strangers!

Enough i guess!

Another crappy day
On the meandering way
twists n turns
As thoughts churns..


No am not in mood to rhyme today.. not in mood to do anything..

here i am on another night when nothing ever happens... alotted time in front of this uber idiot box.. no not TV but computer.. few minutes of blogging few hours of chatting.. then its time to hit the bed.. with many words stil left unsaid..

not that anyone bothers to listen.. nor to comprehend.. not tht i want to speak... no.. i want to scream! some gibberish that makes no sense.. and then may b giggle to glory


Damn!

Its so easy to blog sometimes and on other days.. u keep scratching ur mind and yet thoughts wont come.. like today.. many thoughts jostle to get my attention but when they do i have hardly anything to say.. hence many unrelated short posts...

I no longer seem to rhyme like i used to... also.. when i do..i dont like the stuff i have rhymed...


I need to write a diary instead of a blog.. i really do...

Have you ever noticed how a rain drop is complete in itself???

Shining like a pearl.. soaring down.. so complete and yet.. it wants to lose its identity .. sooon its a part of a river.. or lost.. absorbed by the land.. some are lucky enough to land on leaves.. but still will trickle down to earth.. why this nilisitic need to lose its identity ??

Silence speaks a thousand words,
99% percent of which is never understood
Words spoken holds the world
And yet nothing is ever understood

But we still say, pen is mighteir tham the sword


is it of any significance that a left byte shift of words is a sword?

Incidentally silence is one of my favorite topic.. which is a big paradox... coz ppl who know me knows that silence cant stand me :)

With me around things cant be silent.. no wonder.. i am silent only when i am alone...

Like now.. sitting in front of the computer... listening to the trees swaying in the breeze.. sweety my lab.. snoring gently.. i know if i place my ears to her heart i can hear her heart beats,,, it is faster than mine.. i realise i can hear mine too..

I find comfort in silence and yet today... silence is not acceptable.. i wanna talk...

It is not conforting me.. have got this vague dissatisfaction.. like.. i have lost something...

am not even in mood to blog and yet i wanna blog..

I wish i could write abstract.. why do i have to be soooo up in ur face ?

many a time i realise i am not deep at all.. infact am very shallow.. why shud this affect me?

wasnt i talking ant silence? my thoughts are a big mess!!

I am feeling bugged randomly.. donno why or for what reason.. I am feeling somehow down.. i ahve no reason to :| :|

something crazy happening to me... donno why...

No i am not talking about the love song " two step behind you" Nor am i talking abt when you shud take 2 steps behind you..

I am talking abt me taking 2 steps behind... Somehow i crave for someone who can listen while i talk more so about one who would want to.. For no reason but coz that person likes me...

What dis got to do wid 2 steps behind? *sigh* everything...

However, if someone tries to ask too many questions about me.. i end up giving vague answers.. may be i wud open up later.. that means i open up fully.. i keep yapping n yapping until that person has had enough *lol i guess*

This is not what i wanted to talk about ..

Okay here is the deal... I feel i am taking 2 steps behind in one of my most successful n special relationship... the reasons for that is endless...

There is but only one reason to not do it.. and thousands to do it.. so i find myself moving 2 steps backwards.. ahte myself for that.. but there it is..

I also find that other person moving 2 steps behind.. is that reflection of my action or is it somethign else???

no idea!