Most people take it so much for granted.. I guess i know how important it is coz i lack it.. that absolute confidence that you belong to someone to somewhere...
If someone asks me where i am from.. its so hard for me to say.. do i say am a mumabikar?
I have spent so many years there.. and yet.. its not my home.. I can speak marathi fluently.. but not like an native.. it is not mine.. do i say hindi?? no its not mine too.. neither tamil nor kananda.. I have no language ... no way!
Am i belonging to tamil nadu or karnataka? or am i maharastraian?? so hard to determine..
So hard to say that i belong completely..
I remember the first time we admitted dd to the hospital.. when they were collecting information about him from us.. we realized how lil we know our dads past.. and even more less about our mom.. its like there is this huge void... nothing ever existed before we were born.. its eerily spooky..
I remember once my friend while making fun of my tamil said.. it shudnt matter to me if ppl make fun... coz i dont know the language..
Doesnt she u\s.. every time ppl make fun of my lack of language skills they reirterate the fact that i am a misfit?
Its better when you dont know the language completely.. u say am sorry i dont know.. n that is it.. but when u know a lil of it.. its easy for ppl to laugh.. they think it doesnt hurt... but it does.... i guess ppl dont notice coz its not their hurt...
Sometimes i feel such a misfit hat i wanna die...
Recently one of my friend told me.. how dare you take few hours from me.. coz i was late.. I can never do it.. i can tell ppl.. hey dear.. am there for you.. I can never ask.. will u b there for me.. most of the time am so damn scared to ask.. i am waiting for someone to say that and mean it.. not coz they expect me to be there for them.. but just coz they feel am special...
I wish i cud look at someone with sense of ownership.. no matter how close i am with anyone.. i can never demand.. never demand.. time or attention.. i wud b grateful for what i get.. but can never demand for it..
Sometimes i wish i can b rude to random strangers!
Enough i guess!
If someone asks me where i am from.. its so hard for me to say.. do i say am a mumabikar?
I have spent so many years there.. and yet.. its not my home.. I can speak marathi fluently.. but not like an native.. it is not mine.. do i say hindi?? no its not mine too.. neither tamil nor kananda.. I have no language ... no way!
Am i belonging to tamil nadu or karnataka? or am i maharastraian?? so hard to determine..
So hard to say that i belong completely..
I remember the first time we admitted dd to the hospital.. when they were collecting information about him from us.. we realized how lil we know our dads past.. and even more less about our mom.. its like there is this huge void... nothing ever existed before we were born.. its eerily spooky..
I remember once my friend while making fun of my tamil said.. it shudnt matter to me if ppl make fun... coz i dont know the language..
Doesnt she u\s.. every time ppl make fun of my lack of language skills they reirterate the fact that i am a misfit?
Its better when you dont know the language completely.. u say am sorry i dont know.. n that is it.. but when u know a lil of it.. its easy for ppl to laugh.. they think it doesnt hurt... but it does.... i guess ppl dont notice coz its not their hurt...
Sometimes i feel such a misfit hat i wanna die...
Recently one of my friend told me.. how dare you take few hours from me.. coz i was late.. I can never do it.. i can tell ppl.. hey dear.. am there for you.. I can never ask.. will u b there for me.. most of the time am so damn scared to ask.. i am waiting for someone to say that and mean it.. not coz they expect me to be there for them.. but just coz they feel am special...
I wish i cud look at someone with sense of ownership.. no matter how close i am with anyone.. i can never demand.. never demand.. time or attention.. i wud b grateful for what i get.. but can never demand for it..
Sometimes i wish i can b rude to random strangers!
Enough i guess!
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Sense of belonging is really hard to find in this world.. I don't know Marathi too but then I never see myself belonging to single region. I count my nation as a whole. That does help me reduce the pain of not knowing Marathi. I reply straight to people who ask me why don't you know Marathi as you have lived your life in Maharashtra, I say 'Hindi is enough'. But knowing regional languages do help attach oneself to the place he/she is staying... Sense of belonging, be it little.
I believe in one thing "Never expect anything from the closest of your ally" There is no one who will come forward to help on time without sense of hesitance within them. I have observed that in many of my friends [read people I know as I don't consider anyone as my friend]. This is reality... STRANGE but true
I cannot be as detached as u sem to b.. n i know deep inside u r not detached.. i wud rather hurt n still be around.. than never hurt n never experience the love