Yeah.. i wonder abt that stranger who is within me.. i mean somehow when i think i talk as if i am talking to some one else i will be like.. meena u cannnot do this think abt this.. and thiis

as if 2 of my parts r conversing and both wid different views...

Its weird I no longer get right titles for my blog posts!
Well today my sis went for her big date.. I am soo happy for her.. n soo sad for myself.. Cant stop feeling bad for myself! :x all day i was like she will be having fun wid him... every happy though was tinged wid wish i was too.. whats wrong wid me??? Cant i juss feel good for her?

I feel sorry for myself coz i know how heady the feeling is.. the bubble of new love.. i wanna catch it again...

But the fact is.. my taste in men sux.... * if we can rilly call some of them men * Psssst...

I can safely say that only the first guy i ever chose was truely worth it.. but then.. i was juss a kid of 14 what i knew abt love???

What do i know abt that guy? nothing!... Cant say i love him anymore...

I had this guy pursuing me.. it was soo wonderful... but i let him go.. i was scared of what could be : i let him go and he never came back... i regret it.. i so much wished i took that chance...

i wasnt in love wid him.. but it was romantic to be pursued... he was a decent guy n i let him go.. * shows my taste*

Then i inexplicably fell in love again .. this wasnt love of a young girl.. it was a love of woman.. but still innocent and confused ...

And that guy is a.. i dun know what to say.. he doesnt juss love me .. n i guess i am still half in love wid him....

I dunno why i forgive his mistakes * as i perceive they r mistakes*

I as a rule find hard to forgive... but not for him.. many times i think.. may b this is real thing..

but then i went ahead and had a serious relationship... didnt i?

And thats again is a big obstacle!!!

i kinda dun know what to make of it.. its still an unresolved mess!! its the fucking most awesome and the most degrading experience of my life...

it has marked me for life.. thats for sure All of my other crushes were one sided... and this was so i have no words for it.. mersmerising? engaging? humiliating? belittling?? none fits the bill :(

i feel sad for myself coz i dun have someone to turn to.. and i can ahve it too.. only the price i got to pay is too high :

i recently got into some thing that can be loosely called as a relation although it is not so...

it was partly good and partly... somefin i dun want it to be :

i am juss not sure what i want... i feel sometimes all i want is juss a good fuck and thinsg wud fall into its places.. however when oppurtunity shows itself i find outt hat i cannot juss have fuck n forget :

i juss cant do it... its a revelation for myself...

Having thought through it today i found out that everytime i fell in love i was going through a emotionally lean phase!!!

Well not exactly falling in love.. but accepting that i am really in love :

i am not sure if i u\s what love is.. i sincerely doubt my ability to fall in love completely.. its jusss too much for me

The first time i fell in love.. i had lost my mom... the second time.. dad fell ill and the third time i was on my leanest phase.. nuffin was right.. n the other time i got ngaged.. n it wasnt love at all i wanted to fill in the void.. i wanted someoen to hold me .. keep me warm.. '


Only my deal didnt include well having sex! :

i want romance and flirting .. may be a kiss or two loads of hugs but nuffin further...

I think i shud turn lesbo [:D]

i can never get a guy right!

not like my sis... she knows what she wants and she can wait for it.. she doesnt go for cheap thrills... she goes for real thing!


i wish i had that elusive quality my sis had! U see i am juss too approachable too open to really be interesting :

its not like ppl dun like me.. but its juss that i am too familiar to hold their interest for long.. am not talking abt relationships only i am also talking abt friendhsip!!

most ppl love talking to my sis than me.. even though i am soo approachable.. its coz she is always a mystery or may be coz i talk ears out of ppl? :O

i dunno

Psst i hate this word.. I dunno.. how come i never know anyfin?

As usual i ahrdly know what i ahve written! today i have excuse... i am high on ciggies i ahve had more than half a pack :D


Nah dun shake ur heads! its juss one off time... i really wanted to... i never cross 4 and i never smoke every other day.. only once a month!

may be i will have one more what the heck i wanna :D

Nothing more refreshing than walking in the rain.. alone in the night :D

it washed away all the blues that i was feeling!!

the pitter patter of rain always fascinates me.. so does the cold breeze and the feeling of rain drops falling on me.. its orgasmic :D

i am lost in train of thoughts that take me to moon and back... i many times dreamt of sharing the feelings with love of my lyf.. and it being unlikely anymore * yeah turned into a cynic* i wud rather njoy it alone.. alone wid rain :D

i am always fascinated by rain since childhood when i wud sit all night listening to rains in the varandah... its my second love first being the sea!!

i had lot to write abt it.. suddenly i am dry of words.. it is an experience that i cant say in words...

it hides ur tears... ur guilt ur shame and cleanse u of everything.. no one can feel desolate after u ahve been in the rains never...

i guess thats juss abt it :

Well 15th August this year I would say was one of the most productive independence day of my life..

I attended a workshop conducted by AID India in Kormangala. Ahem i reached lateeeeeeeeeeeee Like always. Although it wasn't my mistake :( It was as if all the world was conspiring to make me late.

firstly, the schedule was temporarily changed. Then, the cab was late. When I reached home I ahd to cook lunch and do other stuff..

Once I reached koramangala by around 10:30 am.. ahem things turned for worse..
Firstly i couldnt find the way.. I was walking in the hot sun *unexpectedly hot sun*

Took a rick that took me all over for nothing.. finally 30 rupees poorer i got where i wanted to...

And then the 3-4 hrs that follwed were the best there was..

Okay Cabs here.. continued later in the night.. keep checking

Back here :)

Ahem after that i went to Lalbagh! The sickest place on holidays!!

Lemme digress to complain abt ppl with sickest civic sense!!

The place had turned to such an mess!!
Its a shame to find such wonderfully tended gardens turned into shambles!!

Pssst.. the litter wasnt the only complain! Fucking bozoes had uprooted the plants... broken leaves... branches.. and the crowd was unbearable..
And predators used this occasion to touch to abuse!!

Damn! :x :X

Okay .. so we hardly did anyfin and came back.. although i have taken pic of flowered tajmahal!

Will show u sometimes

Yeah!
I guess i need to accept it some time or other! I choose not to be victimized and one eve of freedom.. let me be free of this shackle. For long i have been acting like a victim!

There were many instances.. on trains in buses... i was abused.. i kept quiet!! Chu tak nahi kiya....

My ego wouldnt let me buckle down.. so I always travelled like nothing happened! but it did.. and i felt the shame... the guilt.. the pain!!!!

The first time it happened when i was 9. Wasnt much.. some ole foggy jacking off lookng at my panties... i didnt realise it affected my psyche... but it did!

Every other time that i was abused.. i cud never speak out! I was mute like a doll. Never again!!!!!!!

Today i had gone to Lalbagh there was this guy who was trying to abuse me!!

the bastard! Taking advantage of crowd!! I pinched him! For the first time. I fought back literally!!

this is a new start.. this is freedom.. freedom from guilt and shame... A New path.. A new day....


I was waiting for soo long,
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and never let go

Through the darkness and good times
I know I make it through
But the world though I had it all
I was waiting for you...

Hush now I see the light in my sky,
Oh its almost drowning me
I cant believe i have been by an angel with love..
Let the rain come and drown away my fears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the wall for new sun...

A new day has come....

Finally time to be true to my blog [:P]

I dunno why but i hate editing my blog.. not even like to correct mistakes.. spelling mistakes, grammatic mistakes :)

I feel that if i start editing these mistakes i will edit my thoughts too.. i scruplously dun want to do so.. i want it to be fresh out of my brains [:)]

*so if u feel there r too many mistakes.. rest assured..that they r not meant to be corrected ever*

Yeah :-)

Its been like ages and i haven't met of of my school friends... thanks to orkut now we met. It was awkward to start talking.. I hardly knew what to say what to discuss... but as far as renunions go.. this went well :)

We discussed about many of our school friends.. the things we did togather.. Like the way she used to wait for me.. *Ahem i was a late latif even theen [:P] *

Or the way i used to read *loudly*

I remember one uncle telling.. if u got exams, whole apartment knows that you do :P

Most of my childhood was spent in my gallery/varandah etc etc... In a small flat of 2BHK that was my havan.. my niche.
I would sit there in the evening waiting for mom to come.. imagining the *goodies* she will bring.

Dad was too strict.. so i would sit there and my frineds would stand outside and we would talk hours togather.. joking having fun..

I used to love sitting there n seeing ppl playing.. Many a time i used to the umpire :P

My dad never understood my obsession wid the verandah... he can't.. he wouldnt know the first time i had a crush.. the way my eyes would track the guy down all through his game.. I laughed an dcried wid him.. when he won he lost etc etc etc
Nor would he u\s the memories i ahve of the best laughter.. innocent one :)

Oh well i got distracted! I was tawking abt mah friend whom i met.. well we werent friends for long... hardly 1 1/2 years. But i guess she was a friend when i needed.. juss after my mom died. I dun really remember how many times.. i have been a cry baby in front of her.. but i guess quite a few times :)

I still rememebr the early morning brk fast i got if i went to their place early * we never had brkfast at my place* :( :(

Well, she gave me the first novels i read. I gobbled them up like a parched person gobbles water :D . We studied togather.. al thru the 10th std.. it was fun..

I actually dun remmeber much but it felt nice.. nice to remember and go back down the memory lane...

Well I wrote a few lines for her ...

down the memory lane we meet many times
But in present only once
i dunno what to speak only that .. i am fine
If i dunt speak ... wud i get a second chance?

Yes.. we all have congregated here.. yep u n me... we have coe here to mourn the death of a very dear friend of mine.. Some one who stayed with me more than anyone else did.

I took that someone for granted. never took care of it.. and now that someone is lost and I am desolate!
Yeah and that someone is my harddisk.. Everyday it slaved for me.. ever there.. i added stuff deleted stuff.. formated it. it never cmplained. always there for a song.. movie documents everything and now... and now its gone phut!!

I shall buy a new one but it wont be the same. I bought this harddisk along wid my computer in Oct 2003. And after all these years its gone.. everytime i restart the computer it says.. disk error. I know harddisk u didnt want to go.. u loved me...

And now u r gone.. like all goood things in life u shall remain.. in my memories..

Rest in peace my lovely darling HDD of 40 GB from SAMSUNG...


Amen!

Okay. Today was fun but i am confused. Is this what i really want? I dont know.. mostly i think i am juss too lonely. may be this is not what i want. this is stupid and idiotic.. i dun wanna make the same mistake again. may b ei wont make it this time around?

I dun know. I am known to be repeatedly stupid : I guess i dunno what i guess.. i liked it. I more than liked it... welll it was juss too romantic.. and too idiotic :P

Oh shoot.

I dunn have anything to say actually.. but i think this is stupid.. i am going to take a step back thats all.. things going too fast nowadays scare me big time!

This was one of the wonderfullest day! I actually loved shopping [:P]

Yeah i did!! I went wid my sis for her birthday shopping.... I end up shopping more than she did [:D][:d]

I bought one pant khadi waala pants n 2 tops.. then we went to jewelry shop.. hoping to buy her a ring ... but she didnt like them.. I end up buying 2 for myself [:P]

And then it started raining so we returned home.. then in the evening i went out again to buy her gifts.. it was a tough choice but bought her a watch and a glare from fast track!

hope she likes it!! *fingers crossed*

And now... i got to clean the house... plan food for next day and then.... wrap the gifts... decorate the cake tc etc etc

too much work!

Tata guys!!

* i am already tired [:O]*

Yeah I am in mood to rant today... but nothings new that requires ranting.. so am dredging up old stories :D

Well I am kinda disillusioned by few of my hostel friends .. esp guy friends.. all through my college life i felt.. okay those are guys and need to support each other.. so never felt bad abt it...

But later on i had few issues in my life.. and since they know me better than the other guy (or so i assumed) they will support me

Case 1.
Talking to my friend some 2 months after my break up.. havent discussed wid him at all.

He: yaar woh tujse pyaar karta hai

Me flabbergasted

Me: tuje kaise pata?

He: Kaise pata kay.. karta hai isliye hi toh tujse ab bhi contact me rehna chahata hai

Me: Do you know y i accepted him.. do u know y i said no? Do you know the story?? Do you know him???

He: Yaar, fir bata na kya baat hai...

Well buster.. u dun know what the story is. You know me. I am a reasonably intelligen person even for a gal. Buddy I have adviced u some. sometime atleast... In that case, assuming i have average intelligence, If i have said no.. means there is an important reason for me atleast to brk up.. so u shud support me not some stranger romeo [:x][:x]


Case 2.

I scrapped my friend and his friend scrapped me. I didnt like him and i tole him to stop scrapping me.

Enters friend.

How could u make fun of his english? Didnt expect this from me

*Bullcrap*

Me: See i tole him not to scrap me. Didnt listen so i was pissed.

He: He says u scrapped me.

*cant explain my emotions. outraged is more likely*

Me: Why the hell would i even consider scrapping him? I've got many friends to chat wid any point of time and besides if i wanna talk too i shallnot talk to some useless guy!

No reply for that. Only said, dont talk to him. I said fine. His friend scraps even today!


What I am trying to point is, without knowing without anything these ppl supported a guy! Well i dun mind your being clannish and et al. But you guys know me for like 5-6 years. Common yaar, atleast consider our friendship for 6 years before u support some stupid stranger. And if you really wanna support that guy.. all it proves is my stupidity to consider our relation as friendship.. its nuffin but company in the time when there were no other form of entertainment.

It has been my one more step of disillusionment!

Well now i dun expect any better from you both......