Someone once said that I am not happy i am just high!



I guess that someone was right! I am not destined to be happy.. only to have a glimpse only to feel the high.. high enough and then come crashing down! My life and me never can b happy.. coz i am an incompetent asshole! the fucktard !!



I am just sick of living really! I am such an pain in the ass for everyone who are near me! No one is ever proud of me .. no one will ever will be.. instead of being a thorn on everyones ass may be i shud just die n be done with it!

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Ah such explosion and then i pettered out.. meaning i just came back to normal.. this out pouring was after a fight wid my sis.. keeping my promise i havent deleted it.. nothing tht i have written will ever b deleted or edited.. this was my promise to myself which I plan to keep!!!

So here i am well i dont feel as much despondent any more...

Well suddenly i have nuffin to write.. no ppl dont bother to ask whats wrong.. its just disgruntled angry outpouring... i am just the same.. normal me

Recently I realized that heart broken person is soo boring.. I know they need all the attention and support they need.. But looking back.. i realize how boring a person I was.. I really feel like thanking for all the ppl who stood by me..

First and foremost I wanna thank my sister! Shes been by abnd large very patient.. I know from my own personal experience.. i know i wudnt be :)

I wanna thank Neeru my loving lil sisterlike... for handling all my angst and all my mood swings.. I am sure to have hurt her many times but she always said sorry... :)

Love you both!!

I wanna thank jatin harshad to eb there... I remember once Jatin stayed up chatting wid me.. coz i was down and he had maigrane .....

Harshad let me rant on and on... I cant stop thinking how much I ranted!! And how patient he was :) :) for a 17 years old he is more mature than me in many ways :)

It was his humor that kept me going!!

And if i can be glad of onething .. in that big fiasco its getting a friend like vishal! I really cherish what we share :)

His sense of humor.. unjudging looooonnnnnnnggggggggg ears.. and lil attentions soothed my soul like no one else could ....

I wanna take time to thank father to what he is to us.. a family.. I realised in many ways that widout my dad.. we r not a family at all..

I wanna thank Rhea for her beautiful poems that kept me cheered... I wanna that Shayoni for her Huge e-hugs, symphaty and loads of cookies.. even the cookie machine!!

I wanna thank rythm for fighting my battle for me.. I am not sure if i liked it then,..... But I liked the gesture for sure :)

Its coz of the fiasco we bonded better .. i dont mean if it wasnt for that we wudnt bond... we wud have... but...this facilitated it :)

To be honest, i would even thank amit.. coz if he hadnt come in life i wudnt have ever come to know my worth... i was a victim before .. i am not now.. in someways he was responsible for me to change...

If not for the fiasco i wud have drifted from half baked affairs to more.. i know i am capable of that.. now i know better

:)

I guess i am the most blessed person on earth.. coz most ask for one true friend and i am blessed wid so many :)

I thank thee oh lord :)
May my path be studded with many such friends whom I can share my life wid and leave a mark...

And may my heart b marked wid many such ppl's love :)

I am glad that orkut has given me friends like flo... ishaan and vipin my loving bros ....Arin... and aditi.. both stood by me as a solid support.. I wanna thank them to have given place in their online life... and placed me in their thoughts.. when i was no one but a stranger on orkut :)

Okay guys.. i am back to ranting yay!! Back to normality!!


Uff i dun seem to start... well so i will let u guys know the crux.. in few words

I got an uncle older bro of my mom.. good for nothing guy : : :

So he asked for 500 bucks from my sis.. and he is not allowed home by dad.. so i had to go and give it to him....

He was waiting on the circle... i mistakenly gave him an extra 100 bucks that i had brought.. just to buy some vigetabe on the road... i was supp to give him 500 ka note..
So well i gavehim 500 ka note... he never returned 100 ka note :

i get it u need money.. but then what abt common decency?

well tht was still nt that bad... but he went ahead and asked me if i had 20 more bucks on me!

Fuck he thinks we r loaded.. so r we supposed to give it to them in charity?

He is my moms elder bro.. eldest in family. when family was in need he never chipped.. my mom took care of her family.. and he has no shame in asking money from us..

No wonder my dad haates relatives.. if some at my dads side is insensitive brutes.. some at my mom's side are assholes!!!


Burrr

Doesnt it look absolutely stunning? Oh i love the way it feels.. ticklish.. Been planning since July and have finally gone an dunnit! yay!!! in november.. yeah yeah i am very good at procrastination!!

Well the 5 hrs that i invested in there is certainly worth it!

Tomorrow i am going for a wedding.. shopping for that was fun! Absolute delight!

Having said that.. there r two things that bothered me.. yeah coming to the topic now

1) Sitting in front of mirror n staring at urself for 5 hrs is tiresome.. If only i was beautiful : :

I cudnt stand my reflection LOL!

But i still feel i shud b subjeted to it regularly.. coz i confess. i rilly wanted to lose weight.. when i was there :P :P

2) I feel girls r naturally mashochistic : :

Oh yeah! y else we wud undergo the painful regime of Eye brow/upern lower lips/forehead threading??
And if that is not enought.. waxing.. which means applying sugar solution and plucking out hairs outta ur hand legs and armpits : :

If that is not enuf.. certain other things that we manage to do.. Like wear heels! Everyone wid sane minds know how uncomfortable that is... Tuck ur stomach in so that it looks good.. squeeze into dresses u know not how to squeeze out etc

Since most of us does this regularly.. i guess most of us like pain! Hell models r the worst! they do body wax! Which includes plucking hairs outta ur breasts!

Horrendous isnt it? My sis says honey few hours of pain is worth looking good! Hell after my stint wid the salon.. now i agree..but back in the salon.. i was cursing the daylights out!

So its a bad day.. wid wonderful hair!!

I am waiting for complimets yay!

Nah this doesnt mean i am trying to tpe without leaving my hands.. all i mean is like touch typing.. i am letting myself write efforlessly. I am not sure what i want to write, but the urge to write is too strong.. not to comply...

Well these few days.. since diwali infact i am feeling low.. its been 2 months now.. ahvent been involved in any volunteerign work...

Oh yeh i am becoming disinterested in reading boooks : i ahve 2 books to complete.. and yet both are left alone...

I am becoming disinterested in orkutting too.. many a times i sit in front of computer.. god knows what i do.. but i dun post in any comm.. or seek to talk to ppl.. nowadays unless invited,... I dun login into chat software... and if ilogin.. i dun buzz ppl...

I am disinterested.. I am lazy and i am feeling down..

And.. i ahve yet had nice conversations with many ppl... It feels good but if it wasnt there also i cudnt care less..

It is good in a way i guess.. whatever...

I feel i complain too much.. i guess i do..

Damn.. i dunno what else to write.. it doesnt feel right...

I know what i wanna do at this point of time.. this uneasiness at the bottom of my belly.. is familiar....

I wanna sit on the darkest corner of my tarace. hostel tarrace.. feet dangling in the air.. facing away from the door.. yes... I wanna stare into darkness and think nothing...

I wanna smell the campfire i wanna hear the farmers sitting watch in the night.. i wanna hear him sing local songs....

I wanna see stars so many of them that they overwhelm me.. I wanna feel so minusclue that i become invisible.. I wanna sing melancholy song.. slowly humming.. and then making weird noises..

I wanna laugh alone... on my stewpidity.. And then i wanna wait till early dawn. I wanna sleep on the tarrace.. all alone... feel like there is no one but me.. Then i wanna go to that little niche... that forgotten temple on the base of the mountain.. I wanna go to the tarrace and try to catch the clouds floating by...

I wanna sit on that favorite rock of mine... I wanna dangle my feet in the flowing creek.. I wana feel the comfort... hiddden from the world.. I wanna feel that warm friendship i felt.. that comfort.. that feeling of hope... I wanna recapture it.. that feeling of goodness.. trust that i am no longer alone... I guess its foreevr lost...

I am not that naive anymore.. nor as tolerating......

May be i ahve lost hope thats all.. I dunnoo

Have u ever felt u slept like u r on drugs and yet never ever taken it ? I slept like this today.. I felt soo dizzy that i cudnt manage to keep my eyes opened!! Le sigh!


And when i got up i was still dizzy! had a nice walk in the night and a nice cold shower and i was ready to hit my nightly activities.. i.e orkutting, chatting and blogging.. however my usual chat buddies deserted me as i deserted them in the evening..

So i did a lot of orkutting and now blogging....


Dont u think keeping a diary is art?? Though what i blog cant be called blogging per se. how can ppl find each ot their days soo interesting that they catalogue it??

I have been recently been at receiving end of various compliments... that i feel somehow insincere!

I am not as helpful as i seem.. Recently one of my orkut/phone friend asked me for help... Something I could have helped... but doing that involved soo much trust that.. in my impulsive gesture i said yes.. When i took time to think.. i realized i am walking on a mine field.. my help can cause me a lot of trouble wid my sis.. Its so hard in our life to have relatively peaceful existence that.. i loath to shake that semblance of peace..

So well i decided not to help.. however, knowing that persons piraablem.. i just cudnt face him and say no.. i know i ahve been ignoring him.. coz i am a coward! I always been one! I am not that a good person...So end of the story is i must b hurting that person a lot.. n increasing.. his already overloaded load of burdens.....

In LPP there ws a topic which said.. u know the answer toa particular problem is not thinking.. and yet u keep thinking abt it.... And thats true... and yet u keep thinking....

I wish i never second guess my decisions! I hate that.. most of my decisions are tinged with this faint regret always

Le sigh!

On the brighter side, I wanna that arty for his thoughts!

Yesterday met my old collegue on YM. he is married and all.. very happily so.. While we were chatting , I told him abt my brk up.. he didnt pry. all he said that.. its his loss.. u r such a nice person.. Felt soooo good!

I wish my intimate college friends were so discerning [;)] or so supportive :P


And neeru my chummy sister is always there to pep talk me! We actually are having fun with each other.. though content of our talks r soo outrageous :P ;)

I wish ppl wud see me for wht i am.. moles and all..

Oh i wish i cud accept what i am as i am.. instead of trying to be someone perfect....

Like they say.. perfection is artificial.. imperfection is art!

For long I have heard ppl detesting the fact that reading habit is dying in students... Well the major issue is now its hard to buy books along with the huge cost of education.. badhti mehengaai and all.. I can see ppl say... haan library kyon nahi jaate...

I am a voracious reader.. more like an gobble.. i can read most books flat in 4-6 hours and yet not miss much....So buying a book a day is not viable for me... and hence.. I decided to enroll in an library.. there is no circulating library available in my area..

There r some book stores that let u read a book for 20-30 rupees per book.. which is better than buying it surely.. but then u cant do it if u read like me.. 1 book a day.. which means 900 bucks a month...

So .. finally i went to the central library near south end circle.. When i heard the price.. it was too good to be true!

Rs 40 per month and that too for 3 books.. and no deposit yet u can keep them fr 15 days!!

I was soo excited!

When i ask more about what kind of books r available.. i am directed to the book stand... I check out to find that moldy old books r there and what more.. these too are limited to 100 or so.. such a huge library and so less english collection!

Oh well at 40 rupees it was still worthwhile.. so I chose the books i wanted and then went to the librarian.. he looked at me and said.. it is not possible for you to get these books today..

On asking why he said that I got to fill form with photo.. submit address proof and get it attested for gezzetted oficer and then they will consider my form...

And when i said i will provide all those but i dunno where to find any gazzetted offcier.. he said he comes only till 5 o clk.. so finally.. i went empty handed!


Damn! for mere 40 rupees and molded books... i wud rather haunt raddi shops Like i used to !

And thus i dropped my idea of enrolling into a library

Is it any wonder not many read anymore??

Isnt it time that ppl /gov library leave 19th century?

Yeah!
Seriously! All i can say is .. all i did was nothing! Zilch! Oh i did cook but so reluctantly ki sabki bhook mit gayi.. meri bhi!

Abnd nothing.. i started 2 books * yeah weird*

Stuck wid none!

I am reading this awesome book called maximum.. its abt mumbai.. an NRI's view on bombay!

Oh its a die for book for all mumbai lovers!

Le sigh! making nostalgic... in this book the author talks abt being an citizen of exile!

Oh how i understand what he means! I mean.. when he was in NY he wanted here.. and when he was in mumbai all he cud think abt is abt NY!!!

Similar experience i had.. when i am in bangalore.. all i miss is mumbia.. wahan ki beaches.. wahan ke log.. the crowd.. the ppl the sense of belonging....

seems like home to me even now.. after 2 years,.... i fear it will be always so...

But when i am in mumbai.. bangalore ki sadke bahut yad aati hai..

I am like a kitten.. i miss places more than ppl! LOL!

If ppl ask em what i miss most in karjat.. it wud be the town itself.. everything.. the mountains water falll that mandir.. the lonely walks etc etc.. not my friends... not on the most list.. but i miss my friends a lot!

I dont think i can make.. ever make such simple uncomplicated.. unselfish friends again.. not at my workplace atleast