Hey!!! today was smital's birthday. I called her up. It was so much fun.. seemed like ole times when we used to call on Saturday and Sunday coz we were apart not in hostel..
Cant imagine now what we had to talk abt hours togather when we juss spent 24 hrs /5 dayz with each other!!! But we still talked on fone....

And this 2 years things changed gradually! STD goes steep on cost and gradually the frequency of calls dropped until now i haven't called for 4-5 month straight. Somehow even if i did call there was nothing much to talk abt other than how are you, so on and so forth. Somehow a distance was formed. I sensed it and the only reaction i gave to it was to grow even farther apart. doesn't say much abt my intelligence does it? or rather sayz too much abt my ego [:d]

Whatever! today was her birthday n i called her up.. after ages we cracked lame jokes n i acted like a stupid kid!! I dint talk in that "tone" esp reserved for my close friends from college for ages n it felt good as it felt good in being ridiculous..... Shraddha was there too they were having a birthday celebratory meet! Wish i was there to meet them...... Its been ages since i screamed for shraddha wen i was talking to smital n then scream for smital when shraddha was there.. And ages since i induced guilt by saying "shani aahes. majhyashi nahi bolaycha.jaa tujhyashi katti" lol!! and then say.."bas aata khup jale maja phone bill jasta jhalay mee thevte fone" oh shoot been ages talking in marathi n smital saying.. bas jhale marati. hindi madye bol he he eh ...

Well it was wonderful n i am happy today Also, harshad came online today... god knows y that was like an icing to my happiness cake!! i am feeling on the top of the world.. seems like world is not after all a bad place to live.

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream
I'll cross the stream - I have a dream

I wonder where the lil girl in me went!
the girl who had a dream who believed in herself who believed in angels n fairies!!!
I wonder where my dream went?All i ever wanted was to be independant!
is that a lot to ask?
I knew my happiness is widin me i got to look inside me!
How come then i started searching outside?? Why the hell did i??
I wasnt sucessful ever.. but now i am back on the track... I have new dreams now...
I believe in angels again and yes when the time will be right for me i will cross the stream but for now i wait..
i wait n watch and learn And i will be my father figure.. makes sense? makes to me!

I feel lonely today!
more than I ever felt.. i mean utterly alone.. I hurt a friend knowing how
much she will be hurt.. I wanted to ne stupidly selfish. Juss coz i dint feel
like listening the samething i have been listening for months togather now.. at
any other time i wud have been symphathetic but something changed..
ino longer care for relations and relationship...Every mistake i do my heart
warms me.. i fell dead dying widin myself inch by inch..
The first person I let go were my coll friends.. havent called shraddha
yet!
esp she called only to ask how i did!! Donno wen i will call hey or why i havent called her yet! Ppl trust me..like me too soon! moi dont have respect for it.. I dont know how i end up being a kinda support for ppl.. may be i inspire by my words.. how sick.. like a hollow stalk of lotus cant support the burden on flower of friendship..I wonder y i dint call shraddha..

Then comes smital, her bf is out of country.. y dont i talk to her support her? make her feel she is not alone?

Y dont I bother?? I wud have earlier..bt somethings dead.. prolly i am dead!!

I am sickeningly dead!! inside out.. nothing touches me.. prolly i m that way all along..this seeming warmth is juss a illusion?

Jatin was offline for days togather now. I dint care to scrap him.. prolly coz he never bothered to reply mine LOL!

vindictive in small small things! Then comes neeru!

I dunno y i was rude wid her! I came online later to ask forgiveness॥ dunno what stopped me!! I never knew I had so much meaness in me.. or is it self preservation?

Now I have no idea.. i juss got to call neeru today!

I dont know how i will manage that :(

Then i donno y i feel that harshad was hurt by something i said! which is ridiculous.. Am I a flatterer?? I dont think so.. I dunno know anymore... y do i have to be so not sure of myself... of anything?

I just realised.. shay hasnt been online or talked to me for long!!!

Today is her big DDAY!! Its a sweet secret :) All the every best dear . hope your parents left yesterday!! NJOY and have loads of fun :)

I have been blessed wid so many wonderful friends both online and offline!

Y do i have to destroy everything? I juss donno! some crazy streak widin me that i never knew!!

LOL do i need a psychiatrist???

One more break!
one more reason for guilt?
I dunno.. one more beautiful relationship in ruins it may never be same!!
I am sick n tired of relationship!
Well, what can i say truth hurts a lot !
Its hurting me.. but what i said was true..
I cudnt have taken more of the same shit!
May be the topic of love is so much on my mind that i cant take it out of my mind!
i was feeling used.. i dotn want to listen to her laments! abt nishant! or whatever..
Now harshad is also gone... he needs a break.. i dunno whats on his mind..but whatever it is it is the right decision.. i will miss him! Lately i ahve come to so much Dependant on him!!
And jatin isnt around.. he went on some road trip.. forgot to tell me abt it... i kept thinking he si busy wid fest or something.. then one day someone else told me.. i realized i was so wrapped up wid myself that i dint realize that he is gone for quite a sometime! Really distressing! This level of self involvement! i never thought i am capable of it!
LOL!
y cant i be self involved?
Maybe i shud take a break too!
i tried to but i cudnt!
its the only source of my entertainment,comfort , fun etc.. everything that a good friend is..
but then

good can hurt too!! Real bad at that.

I guess thats what is happeneing!!

good is hurting me! abt time i quit orkut! it has taken away my life! I dont think anymore! i dont reflect dont do anything but coem online...come home come online, sleep, get up eat come online, get ready leave! is this what is life abt? who am i to blame for this if not myself???

Well is internet relation really true?? I guess not ! I proved myself dint i??? I think from now on i will only blog! I love blogging even if i only complain.. its relaxing to blog!! Thats it for now! i got to get ready!!

Me ready for the 3rd post of the day he he he !
Here the post wont be as long! moi righting more for meself than others!!!
in fact others buzz off!!

i am really trying to figure out what is love?
y the heck did i give it so much importance?? it makes no sense! it is a weak emotion.. makes u lose perspective of yourself! gives u an illusion of being a princess when in actuality all u really r is a frog!!
An ugly toad!!
Moi sister says i have a poor self image! so much that i want external support to make me feel good!
but then y is feeling good emphasized?
I mean most of our life is spenbt in feeling bad but feeling good is given more emphasis!
May the elusive quality..
Speaking of which, i am tired of this fucking humane quality!! the more the thing is elusive the more u want it! y?
For eg. when amit kept pestering me all i wanted is him to let me alone...
and then he calmed down.. n i wanted chat again.... n in a day moi feeling frustru again!
y do i want the unwantable?
now thats weird whats unwantable?
well i dont want him in my life...
then y do i agree?
his tenacity in asking???
Or moi may be a real bitch like to keep a bush in a hand ?

Till i get a better one keep this guy lurking?
Am i tht cold? can i be that devious? possibly but probably?
who knows!
Y am i talking abt amit?
well coz he is not so much out of my mind as i think..
I had this weird dream!
I wanted to meet him.. not in my dream.. in my dream he was back from USA coming to meet me...wanting to meet me.. and me completely changed as he is...
Moi turned into a siren n he into a sophisticated version of himself still pining for me LOL!
thats important!
n moi not in love wid him at all...
Moi going to meet him fleeting moi false "decency"(cant believe how much that comment stil stings) And then there flaunts my newest love lol!
there comes sadism!
i want him to feel pain that moi loves someone else!
isnt that sick?
prolly i am sick!
and real sadistic!
dont know for sure.. or may be its a cook book recipe of tired over wrought brain.. but it shook me to the core!
guess shud stop it now!

This blog is all abt me!!
the weirdest part of me...
Well it may just abt contain anything in my life॥ nothing is sacred here! if u think u dont want to feature here॥ its just abt right that you dont keep in contact wid me॥ well that wudnt make u safe too better yet never visit here!!

Isnt it true??
Silence has a poetry of itself...The best moments n the worst moments in life is spent in silence!!
I wonder we express so much thru silence y the hell do v need words??
Chk this...

There r different kinds of silence...There is a silence that u fal into if u r in awe of something mejestic like a work of art.. that last for a short time... but definitely comfortable..There is a peaceful silence that u feel wid a person u r so in tune wid that words r not needed to communicate.. that can last for hours togather n not hurtThere is a silence in solitude (not lonliness both r diff) but this silence is cherishable..Ofcourse there is a chaotic silence.. where there is lot to eb said but u dont say it coz of fear, feeling of futileness, frustration etc Now this silence is a killer yes this can cause all sorts of problems.. n can last for years togather

Hey ppl!

don't u think we take life for granted?? so many special moments pass thru our life n we never take time to remember to appreciate! Perfect moments.... I dont know y but i am taking lotsa time to reflect to cherish.. i can hear amit asking again n again...wasnt there anything happy?

wasnt there any perfect moment?? I never realised how pessimistic i was...never realised in search of happiness i lost the art of appreciating lil joys.... today i feel like remembering all my special moments in life n shre wid all of u guys (i want u to feel my joy n remmeber urs too i hope u take time to remember ur special moments too)


Well, have you ever realised the most perfect moment isnt the most planned one.. it is the most routine event..what makes it perfect?? What makes it perfect is our appreciation of the moment n the magic of love [:)]


My earliest memory of a perfect moment is a day ...
I was 3-4 . my mom was combing my hair.. i was abt to go to play.. what makes me remeber that is the feeling of well being of peace n happiness i felt! i guess that was a reflection of my moms happiness... although i dont know y she was happy..

There are other perfect moments too.. family togather playing carrom! going for long walk alongside the sopara lake! going to ganapathy temple late nights wen there is noone there but us. mom and dad sitting n me and smitha playing!
(Trying hard to read (ahem act to) the prayer minted in marathi ..we knew it by heart!)
There are others that comes to my mind.. the way my dad wud sometimes steal kisses!
they thought we dint see.. but we did n it warmed our heart...
The nights wen mom used to sing songs tell stories from mythology...
And dad would tell abt his village!
it used to fascinate us sooo much...
Then again, the trip to pondycherry... we sitting on the road (very much like marine drive only no lights glittering its horizon) on the rocks listening to whisperings of ocean wid multitude of secrets.. taking me right to the place i wanted to be.. in dreams.. the talk we had me n smitha!
And the dreams i saw! abt my very first crush*sigh*
the moonlight playing games wid the waves creating wide array of shades n ripples.. the game of shadows...
Absolute wonder.. that is more dear coz that was the last trip we took wid mom! n more so coz it was the only trip wherein thre was no fight between mom n dad!!
Then comes the very first class i bunked!
The very first appreciation i got(as i told in last posts coz of the marks i got in maths science n english)
And then lotsa special moments on hostel.. that wud be its own section in itself....
i wud only add the wonderful falls of neral(yeah matheran fame) it had no special conotation in terms of height but high points in beauty in my books.. well it is a bit tricky place very slippery.. but if u take the risk.. it is all worth it!
It made me feel spiritual.. i felt the presence of god there.. i know it feels too filmy ..tacky.. but tht is how i felt there! absolutely in peace wid myself.. as there is nothing wrong anywhere in the world!
uff there are too many special moments in my hostel life and wud be dealt only in adiff post all togather..

Moving ahead.. the first time i came bangi..wid the plan to settle here..every day was special.. i cant describe how the feeling was!
Then the way my aunt reacted to my coming home...giving me motherly love that i had all but forgotten!
It was like homecoming..
Then there was a peaceful evening that i spent on the tarrace just looking the birds flying home n sunset!!
Hey i forgot to add few earlier.. watching the birds performing their acrobatics over bhayandar ki khadi before sunset(No prizes to guess that i was 'latkofying' on the doors of ever crowded crowded virar train! )
And not to forget KALAM beach!!
hey ppl who want to go to a relatively less crowded but awesoem beach.. kalam is one for u!
it is better than arnala believe me!
it is not that far too.. only 20 min by bus n 10 rupees..
Well have spent many such wonderful sunsets there!
*sigh i miss the sea terribly*

Well then the time i went to jog falls!!
seeing the truely majestic falls is a truely wonderful experience.. more so to look at the pituresque sharavati river nestled between two mountains is a painters dream come true(If anyone did peak in my ole profile the evry first.. ole timers neeru n all may have seen it.. wud know what i am talking abt! )



Though this isnt the pic i took it will give u some idea how beautiful sharavati river is..the pic i took was better[:(] its lost to me..!!

And then comes many wonderful moments wid amit.. the very first kiss...he kissed my palm..We were sitting... were talking god knows what.. our eyes were talking something else..it was exchanging love n the sweet glances that says more than words.. its amazing isnt it? for the best emotions in our life we dont use words? we use eyes n yes silence the potent silence that talks multitude widout uttering any words... the walk thru labagh! v ver so happy! How to forget those embraces? the love the endearing talks on fone? I still remeber one night in winter.. we were on fone.. amit was on tarrace was cold! n he was describing his environment.. it was a moonlit night clear sky wid so many stars!

oh shoot i cant write abt it!
it is saved in my memories.. always to be savoured in nights wen i am too lonely not today!! I am feeling lucky!! how many perfect moments i have had!
and there r more to come for sure! i havent even started on my hostel adventures.. let alone my special moments wid amit! I am so blessed!

thank you lord! for so many cherishable moments n yes for giving me wonderful friends..