Well extreme boredom has forced me to blog.. really.. completely uninspired... listless.. A vegetable of 3rd degree... thats what I feel I am!

Somewhere at the back of my mind i hear the voice... log off log off
But whats ths other option??

Loneliness??

TV??

Bah!

I dunno feel really low for no reason.. All i wanna do i just disappear into nothing ness!

The more sexually frustrated you are.. the more intellectually sound you become


Life .. when you think about it.... has a question mark followed with an exclamation.. funny thing is so does love and relationships

Old age is such a scary thing! Dont you think? Reduced to the shadow of what you were...
After years and years of independence.. you end up being so vulnerable.. in care of someone else.. even if those someone else is your kids.. still... that vulnerability is so scary.. Lord never let me b that scary.. hopefully let me die before I go through that.. Coz I know.. I cant take it :|

Wondering what brought this?

*sigh* Dad is ill with fever and loose motion.. he is just soo feeble that its so heart wrenching to see my ever so strong dad reduced to such an pitiful state.. or may be once again his mortality mocks at my face

Damn why should he be so old or soo weak?

Sigh! Somehow blogging isnt as comfortable as it was.. but I cant sleep today.. yesterday dad fell down while getting up from the bed.. n now has a high fever.. it scares me that he will fall off again...

Besides.. like most people i have superstitions too.. my mom was so in good health.. until she had that problem that took her life.. in that phase.. she was very much like Dad is right now...

For a moment when i came home from office I freaked out... and the fact that dad wont take much meds or wont go to doctor makes us more vulnerable.. u just cant ignore your dads eccentricities.. somehow we are programmed to obey even if we know he is wrong :|

Still he did take emds after a lot of cajoling!
So now he sleeps well while I keep getting worried.. speculating about future.. getting scared of being an orphan...

Damn!

Many a times I think.. I have some kinda mental disorder.. for a simple reason that.. I have these phases wherein I feel dissatisfied with everything.. for no reason at all.. Like now.. I feel like running away from myself.... sometimes being me is just too boring.. too much drudgery!

I wish I can just be someone else...


Darn.. I havent blogged or written a poem since long.. dunno why...

Yes i am... I am afraid that if i wont blog now.. i would stop blogging... and i dont want to stop! This is the only way i can actually make sense of my thoughts which is pretty senseless anyways..
I dont know what i wanna talk abt... somehow I don't feel like blogging too..

Sigh i am stopping

Time passes by so quickly.. and you keep waiting for something to happen to you.. and by the time you realize that nothing would ever happen unless you don't make any move... by the time you realize that time has already passed by...

If you dont want to move forward.. err.. if you dont move forward.. i.e you keep waiting for something good to knock your door... you are actually moving backwards.. you appear static to yourself.. but you are not.. u move backwards.... you realize that the things u remembered are already forgotten by you.. and u have hardly gained anything new.. you are lost in this viscous limbo wherein you cannot get out of easily..

Like an iron rod.. you rust slowly... like termites on the wood... you get hollowed inside.. you look alright on the surface.. laughing smiling having fun.. while inside.. u r hollowed out.. until one day .. you become so brittle that it shows.. and you break.. and once you break.. there is no getting back....

I love this self imposed exile.. its not that am not online.. i am not even talking to people on fone or replying to their sms and et al.. i dunno if anyone is hurt... but i do know.. i dont wanna break through this limbo.. this sweet solitude.. is just too good to break.. And i am not sorrry for it... Its abt time I live for myself.. do things that i really wanna do instead of things that r expected of me!

Today am in mood of rambling nothings. I have nothing to say.. for months i have been intensely blogging and now.. my brains need rest.. I havent written poetry for ages.. am not in the mindset of the same too.. somehow i feel I am cold inside... and I have got cold *yeah running nose and works*

So let me tell you something about how I spent my week without internet.. more so without orkut which has been my crutch for soo long now! well it feels liberated.. I suddenly found that i have soo much time on me.. also that i feel less desolate about life..

I also find that i dont feel as close to people as i assumed i am. Ofcourse i miss chatting with ppl but i feel no need to come online and chat with ppl. Well there have been avenues where i am not yet very successful viz sleep. May b i shud take sleeping pills and all... but i wud rather not.. am sure it will work out itself...

This weekend i went out.. met friends... bough 6 books read most of them :D :D

most of them is women centric books.. And you know what? I enjoy such books... may be i am too much of a feminist.. and why the hell not ? am the woman am i not ?

I dont feel being a woman means I should prove guys that i can be better than them,... hell why shud we be ? after all we r girls... we r feminine.. why bother ???

I wonder why being a boy like is soo grand...

A guy would make faces and say.. thats soo girlish or so like a girl.. blah blah blah.... why cant u b like guys... i would like to answer.. we r like girls thats y we r grls... if we wanted to be like guys.. we might better change our sexuality and be guys!

Now about books...

I read

1) 1 night@ call centre

Many people said its a nice book.. but i wont read it.. and now that I have read.. i cant stop saing how good the book is...

The way the author has interwoven the threads of life of 6 people to make a stunning tapestry is worth reading... my words would be never enough.. one has to feel through the whole potrayal...

Shyam: brilliant but with huge inferiority complex
Varun : Big ideas but confused and directionless
Priyanka: a typical indian girl torn between her independance and expectations of the family
Radhika: a foolish loving wife.. or lets just say too naive too trusting
Isha: Huge dreams and ambition to make it true
Milatary uncle: The middle aged displaced soul

how one eventful night irrevocably change their life.. when they decide to take control of their life and decide to change it themselves.

2) Olivia : Not anything really special.. run of the mill stuff actually ... and yet so different...

In this story there are 2 important characters. Our heroine with gray shades.. olivia and her younger sister belinda.

Olivia is sensible loving responsible and ace student. pliable and caring.. she should be apple of everyone' eye.. however it is not so. Belinda the ravishing baby doll like beauty with her selfish vanity is everyones favorite.. Olivia wonders why.. Belinda does alll the mistakes... she sleeps around.. give birth to a premature illegitimate dead child... gets expelled from colleges.. never works.. does nothing to deserve the love and care she gets.. No one ever blames her... she is forgiven always.. Olivia has to clear her mess always... even after her parents die... she takes care of her lil siss... if that isnt enough... the guy she loves since schoool days is more inclined to ahve sex with her younger sister than being close to her.. this is am amazing ptrayal of jealousy envy and love.. yes tqwisted in itself such complex feelings can be seen between bothers and between sisters... they can be very cruel to each other.. but when olivia goes for a date... trust belinda to come forward to help her look smart by doing her makeup...

For anyone who would like to have some inkling into a woman's personality must read this book...

3) Hanna's daughters

Now this is an other gem i really really loved and I would recommend everyone to read...

It spans for 3 generation of swedish family living on the border of Norway.. in a small village
It has 3 principal characters hanna her daughter Johanna and her daughter anna

Over years how these people lived.. their trials n tribulations.. their relations.. I loved this book more so coz i can understand the authoresses need to know more about her roots.. I feel the same too.. my mom's dead.. but there is this ache inside me that wants to know my mom better.. i hardly know anything abt her.. and to know more.. i wouldn't know where to start.. however lemme give you glimpse of this book

Hanna...

Proud, reticent, quiet sturdy and amazingly strong! raped at 12.. giving birth at 13.... lived in shame for 4 years until she married at 17 to a very older man who was given to moods and poetry.. uneducated and from poor background.. she could never ever be comfortable with him fully.. but she gave him sons.. 3 sons and 1 daughter she was proud of.... Daughter .. Joannna.. named for her dead elder sibling... husbands daughter from the first marriage.. we cant say how happy the marriage was.. but it sure was a content marriage.. a quiet happiness... no rush of madness....

Joanna..

Strong, opinionated , spirited and yet tender and warm..

An independant woman.. intelligent and with amazing sense of humour...

Anna

The third generation of woman.. with same attributes.. of strength resilience and independance.. and yet she lived with a womanizer and forgive him his follies.. while killing herself within..

This book is Anna 's journey towards maturity.. towards understanding herself.. and her family.. understanding woman who shaped her and yet whom she never gave time of her day.. ashamed of her mother and her grandmothers uncouth ways... hurt by rejection of her grandmother.. she had many issues to resolve.. a war child wid vivid memories of unresolved questions.. she was used to escaping within herself.. esp when she lost her child.....

there isnt much embellishment in this story.. its an travellgoue of road of life.. full of struggle and yet many lil joy.. its a story of rediscovery of a woman .. a redefination of sense of self....

it sure is amazing!

A Shoe is such a neglected creature for me.. As long as I have one on my feet.. I am happy.. many times without it... Like on a beach.. in dew soaked green lawns etc etc..

I think this neglected baby of mine has decided to be seen heard and definitely given more attention than usual.. They have decided to break before one hour is gone... mummy save me!

I thought finally shoes have decided to gimme a brk n i dont have to buy once in 2 months ... but no.. In the past 2 weeks I have already bought 5.. yes u read it right 5 pair of shoes and each one of them broken!!

I was wearing my fav black low heeled well cant call it a shoe... it was more like a chappal or something... but damn! the strip broke while I was talking on phone and I slipped :x :x :x :x

Since I was walking and my shopping wasnt done.. and I planned to buy a new one for the wedding anyways... so i bought 2 of them.. one with a lil heels and one withough heels...
something like this one....





But you know what???Surprise! the heel came off as I was walking.. since we were on tight scedule.. I couldnt go back to the shoe vendor.. luckily i cud still walk.. with out... heel on one shoe and a good other shoe.. Yep i did look ridiculous.. now you may wonder why i ddint use the other showe that I boiught... u see... I didnt wanna take chances.. I felt it was my bad shoe day.. well It was...

Now let me tell you abt the 4th chappal.. it got bitten by my dog to non use until visit to cobbler... :( :(

I know keeps happening to me only!

Finally.. for the past one week I was using tht heeled shoe that I bought for the wedding.. I figured since I dont walk much.. cab to office to cubicle to coffee machine to my cubicle to cab doesnt need much walking anyways..

And it worked for a week!! yay!! But I went out today... yep no surprises there... the heel broke... its giving me pointers.. I GOT TO LOSE WEIGHT

So well.. i finally bought a kolhapuri.. that seems more like a guys wear than gals... and yeah.. its completely flat... no heels ... wont take chance no more :P :P

Such was my shoe week.. *sobs*