Have you ever felt lonely and yet crowded at the same time? this inescapable need to run away from the world.. When you feel just plain crowded.. your privacy violated??

Have you ever felt claustrophobic in wide open spaces? I know this statement makes absolute no sense... But think about it...

You are home.. a place that is a refuge to the world.. and yet you feel stifled.. suffocated.. you just want to run away.. far far from this huge mess of your life.. where you cannot even bolt the door without answering many questions of whys and wherefores./... dont get me wrong.. these whys and wherefores are symbols of love.. people care for you and want you to be happy.. they are concerned.. and yet you cannot speak out.. hell you dont know whats wrong wid you.. all u know is for the next 2 hours you dont want to see anyone's face and want to dream that no one exists but you.. hell you want to assume that even you dont exist!

THEY... never understand... they measure you and your life through their perceptions.. they either find you lacking... and rarely... very rarely find themselves lacking... You love them a lot.. you understand them... or may be thats what you think... However,.. you try to mold to fit in.. you need them.. you need their love.. but u need urself too.. you keeping trying to find yourself.. and you keep failing.. coz you are searching all wrong.. you dont know where to find.. or rather whom to find.. coz you are lost... And you get frustrated even more....you dont know how to express it....

Voices in my head
Do they ever dread
Silence... unreachable

In some corner of my heart
hidden under many layers
A lost child.. Some dreams thwarted

Voices from the past
In a different role cast
Ever changing .. ever lingering

These serenades
Will they ever fade
Into nothingness

Will they ?

Then you start finding that place within you.. somewhere hidden inside your mind! You have conversation where you are having fun... where you find your niche.. find ppl.. imaginary people.. derived from the real ones.. people who understand you.. like you for what you are.. not for you pretend to be.. You express your outrage,.... your happiness.. your unknown ache all inside .. while in the outside.. you are this huge freezing blob of ice.. nothing fazes you... the impregnable...
But the voices know.. those voices inside your head.. they know all about you... the inner you....

Yes you are lonely... a very painful state to be... and yet you want to be left alone... to be what you want to be... to be away from everyone.. how do you then plan to avoid loneliness..

it seems as if you want to get away from this place and yet wanna stay all your life in the same place... apparently a contradiction... but is it really one??

Some may say what I seek is solitude and not loneliness... but .. are they different when you are already lonely?

I don't know about you.. but I need some space... escaping into stories.. into someone else.. living life vividly through fiction is not enough... I want to live it myself...

But then the irony is ..no one but "me" is holding me back.. me.. the culprit.. me th victim.. then whom do I complain??


P.S: This blog post is dedicated to one of my friend who says my blog gives him solace.. a space away from drudgery of life.. I am glad that I can.. and also.. I am sure you identify with this completely!!!