I have been wanting to write abt this from ages.. but u see writing abut something you dont even like is kinda hard thing to do... Today am bored enough to bother to do it!

Well when i was a kid.. my dad kinda wouldnt allow us to watch much TV... so well it had this forbidden pleasure kinda attraction.. whenever we could.. we would be in front of th TV.. even if was just DD that we watched... We never had cable until most people already had it.. Like somewhere around 2005 .. yeah u heard it right... In between the TV crashed and dad said eh wont repair it.. n we shud one when we can afford it.. so from roughly.. 1999 till 2005 we never ever watched TV.. Yeah! no wonder I am not addicted to it....

Well since the TV came.. we had this novelty attack wherein we would watch it like crazy.. nowadays its reduced to the time when we have food.. or when my sister is on computer and I have to wait...

However, things have changed.. I have deleted my orkut profile.. and... got too much time on me.. thats y I keep watching Tv... my fav channels are.. travel n living and disnep :)

In between I keep scanning and watch movies and et al...

Also, nowadays I watch NDTV imagine.. its got good stuff.. yet i know it wouldnt remain so as soon as its TRP increases... isnt it sad ?

Continued from here

In silence I seek answers
For questions unformed
Is it any wonder
that Silence is all i get ?


These words went through Meera's mind as she relaxed in her chair in Roxanne's.. one of the bustling salon in the city! Roxanne was a friend and her personal stylist from her college times... all she has to do is relax.. Roxanne ew what she liked.. Meera was in safe hands.. generally while Roxanne worked on her she would dream sweet innocent dreams.. Roxanne didnt like to be disturbed.. but today Meera couldn't help but think about Sandy... and of their first meet or lets say their first fight.......

Meera was the newest recruit and was intimidated by the large establishment where no one had time for any one... One week since her joining the company she hardly knew whom to contact when her computer wasnt loading up.. She was struggling to make it start without making it apparent.. but it was not working. Thats when Sandy sauntered in.. She had noticed him before ofcourse! His a-mile-wide smile.. that laugh-with-me-all-of-you-laugh.. so inviting.. her eyes followed him all day through.. hoping to be part of his inner circle hoping to be friends.. He wasn't very handsome.. but there was this earthiness in him that attracted.. Silky hair that never stayed where it should.. always falling on his face.. that lazy slouch as if he had no care in this world.. and yet she knew.. he was one of the most hardworking guy she has met.....

"There is the number for the IT guy" Sandy said, pointing to the stick up note on her cubicle. Meera felt stupid and mumbled a thanks . She couldnt believe how star struck she was! Acting all coy and shy...

" You can use my computer while IT guy fixes it. I have a meeting to attend and its free.. I will call Pratik for you.." Sandy continued.

" I will wait thank you."

" Suit urself. Its there if you like" He said and moved away.

Meera was bored waiting for Pratik, the IT guy, who took his sweet time coming around. Slowly she moved to Sandy's computer. Simply going through pictures.. checking out the songs and applications and all ... thats when she saw a dairy on the desktop.

She deliberated if she should read it or not.. She was curious so she justified by thinking that if he wanted to hide he wont keep it on the desktop surely ? So she opened it... She saw the first poem..

In silence I seek answers
For questions unformed
Is it any wonder
that Silence is all i get ?

She was hooked.. so much emotion.. She felt as if its her life in his words... she couldn't stop!

As I traverse through the inroads
Of my rambling mind
Noise ..Noise everywhere..It comforts
Voices from forgotten past.. Explodes!
What am I trying to find ?

There I see a door that I avoid
Door that holds all the answers I seek
Yet always am afraid to reach
To open.. afraid to find
What if there is nothing but a teeming void ?

This was the first poem she read.. and she still remembers it.. even after 2 years verbatim.. she remembered.. especially on days when she feels lonely... It was as if he understood her heart.. It was comforting to know.. there is someone who knows what she goes through...even if that person never would like her.....

Voices in my head
Do they ever dread
Silence... unreachable

In some corner of my heart
hidden under many layers
A lost child.. Some dreams thwarted...


" What do you think you are doing ?" Roxanna wailed.. jerking Meera to reality! " I have to do this all over again. Can't you sit still ? First of all you take no appointment and then you have a deadline of few hours and then you dont even co operate! How could you do this to me?

Roxanne took her job seriously and chastened Meera kept still by the time roxanne was done. She knew Roxanne will do a spectacular job whether she co operated or not. But she knew its not good to irritate Roxanne. If she had time she would have teased ..like she had done many a times before.. but she didn't have time so she settled back again. Soon she was back to that day when someone else said the same words..

" What do you think you are doing ?" A cold voice said in almost whisper.

"You scared me!" Meera said taken aback.

" Hey I read your poems. They are simply amazing! Wow! Can I read more of your works please ? I know I shouldnt have but am so glad I did it! You are too good!" Meera gushed with her compliments. She kept talking as he kept becoming more livid by the moment.

After few moments she realized he is not as amused as she is and became silent. Then he said " What makes you think I wanted you to read my PERSONAL diary? "

" But it was on the desktop"

" Yes.. it was on my desktop... I asked you to use my computer not read my diary.. Can't you understand what diary means?"

" Look I am really sorry if you didnt like to share your poems. Please forgive me. I didnt mean to pry"

" Why don't you stuff your sorry and return to your desk gal ? Looks like your comp is fixed. " He said offhandedly.. The more she apologized the more rude he became.. atlast he said.. will you go please? I have work to do!

Meera was never as insulted as that!. She was wrong but not so much as to create this big scene.. She hated him since that day.. and like beetle in the bottle.. he has been bugging her ever since! Talk about keeping grudges.. he is like heights!


Since that day Meera decided to give back all she gets.. somehow they both have started liking this sparring.. the only thing Meera didn't understand is how he can be so sweet to everyone.. but her.. those first few days.. she expected to feel lonely.. Surprisingly many people sympathized with her and became her friends... Esp Rhea...she was like " What the hell! He keeps boring us with his poems.. and when finally someone is genuinely praising him.. He is a weirdo" This brought a smile on her face.. Coz rhea was her bestest friend in the world.. her twin soul.. her soul buddy.. all the adjectives in the world were less to describe Rhea.. Mama bear.. comedienne sweetheart.. everything coupled in one big package.. Rhea was beautiful and had a busy social life.. she tried hooking up Meera countless times.. Life was synonymous with fun for Rhea.. She knew Rhea would be shocked out of daylights to see her with Sandy.. thinking about that lifted Meera's spirits like hell.. It wont be a bad evening after all..

Meera thanked Roxanne.. she was distracted and Roxanne was miffed. Meera knew she has to make amends for her behavior.. Saying sorry in the thoughts she rushed home ...

Next Chapter

I feel as if I love to live in a bubble.. A place where nothing but what you want affects you. I have amazing talent to block the unpleasantness in my life. Even when my mom died... the very next moment I was so collected that most of my friends thought may be I dont love my mom at all. Its not that the feelings are not there. Its just that to survive the feelings are to be repressed.

One doesnt have the luxury to get into hysterics when no one is there to hold you to appease you... When only thing that looms in front of you is survival ...surprisingly tears dry lot faster
And you do what you got to do.. So I suppress my feelings.. shut the unpleasantness like it never exists.. for a moment I live like I have no care in the world... I make new world for myself which makes me feel secure until a small gust of wind.. a tiny imbalance breaks the surface tension.. and what remains is the truth.. in such times... all I wanna do is hide.. to escape I use fantasies.. that I keep weaving.. like a last thread.. a new one starts before the old one is even completed as if I am afraid to lose it.... And yet one day I stop... Reality bites?? I guess.. It chews!!

So then I am back to reality... only to find its lot worse than I let myself think.. and guilt sets in... for every moment I escaped... every moment I avoided facing it... But face I have to isnt it ?

Every time the bubble breaks... a part of my heart breaks.. and yet.. new dreamflowers bloom through the cracks.. Its time to live.. Things get better.. Its time to reflect... to feel happy... and yet... my saturnine nature sets in.. and I feel this unknown ache that I can never put a name put a reason to... I drift within myself.. somewhere deep down in search of that wounded part thats buried.. Its time to heal.. to shed those unshed tears... to feel sad.. to cry.. to purify ?

Once again you make a new bubble and the cycle follows...

My obsessive tendency is linked to this bubble phenomenon.. thats the reason... I have to be careful of what habits I cultivate.. I always do things obsessively.. If i like a game. I play obsessively.. A book once started cannot be stopped no matter what.. not even for eating.. And Internet... god knows how tough its to avoid this.. but amazingly.. I have this big time control in me... If i want to stop... I do it... or may be I have sense enough to stop before It becomes a problem.. which ever it is...

I think all the blessings in our life is double edged.. you never know what can be what.. a curse is a hidden blessing.. and blessing an hidden curse....

Like my ex... I created this wonderful bubble.. so full of life.. love and blind trust.. A trust that he didnt do anything to earn than just be.. and I gave it to him for free as if its of no value.. We lived in this bubble for sometime.. me changing all that I am.. trying to hold on to something that never was.. I wanted a miracle.. and I got one.. but I got more than what I could chew... It didnt take long to turn to my worst nightmare ever.. Not just him... but my sister.. she emotionally withdrew herself... She didnt want to discuss him at all.. when All I wanted was just that.. Well I dont blame her really.. in this bubble of mine she didnt exist.. And I was amazingly shitty to her.. It tooks me ages to heal.. but I have.. the scars are still there ofcourse.. I am glad they are.. Coz everytime I plan to be really stupid.. this helps me out!

Today Meera had no interest in going to the office. It was an occasion she dreaded.. namely 'The annual party' which she cannot excuse out of.. her future depended on it.. And some inspired romantic dickheaded higher up * read screwup* has decided it would have a couple entry only leaving her scampering for a date. And all her efforts didnt yield any result. Her love life was non existent and all her friends too let her down... she didnt blame them for not coming . Her office parties were boring!

Meera kept thinking how to get out of this quagmire.. as she walked through the corridor. The lift didnt work.. making her mood even more worse than it already was!

" Sorry honey! I would have loved to come with you but Rohan asked me out one month back!" Sally's high pitched voice echoed through the corridor..followed by whispers that ended with a giggle

"Naughty boy! alright!" Sally continued just as Meera entered the room to witness a sloppy kiss.

"Let me not disturb you. " Meera said shortly..... glaring pointedly at him! She woudn't look at Sally. She was sure she would blush in embarassment. It was better to be angry and it was easy to be angry on him!

' Great way to start the day! He just had to be here to watch me squirm!' Meera thought while he smiled amusedly. A lazy languid smile which invites you to return it..but she knew this smile was deceptive.. the guy behind was cold.. stone cold...

Sally was too embarrassed to linger around... She quickly walked out of room quickly leaving them alone together.

Sandy was not in good mood. He didn't have a date for the evening and to add to it the kiss was ended by this prissy lady... He wanted to let it out... to fight with someone.. and she seemed a good option...

He turned to Meera and said, " Its my day alright! While others get dates all I get is a sloppy kiss that gets interrupted by a rude lady"

Meera acted not to notice thinking that he would get the pointer and leave but he had other plans. Sandy came near Meera and repeated again pointedly.

" Atleast you got a kiss! Look at me!" Meera quipped.

Sandy was just about to say something rude.. but couldn't do anything but smile.

" Why don't you complete that kiss for me ? After all I am entitled for that!" , Sandy asked mock seriously.

Generally, This is when Meera would get angry and the fight would start. However, today she realized that Sandy can be answer to all her problem.She could get a date and be assured that he wouldn't hang around her or expect her to primp and smile. She wouldnt have to beg her friends.. or fend off desperate attempts of some random stranger that she would have eventually picked up! Besides the gossip mills would run over time and in the meanwhile she can make his life a hell...

So ,with an almost flirtatious and mischievous smile, she replied " A kiss is too paltry.. you have got urself something even better. A date! Pick me by 7:00. "

" Ah this is soon becoming my lucky day . Wouldnt I just love going out with you ?"
" Gee! I would love to be alone with you and do amazing lil things..naughty things.... Like we are here now.. I would so love to give you a demo"

Sandy said as he moved closer and placed his hand on her shoulder and pulled her close. However, his tone was sarcastic to show how deliberate this is.

" Ah so much chatter and no action.. So if you excuse me..." Meera said as she stamped his foot with her heels " I have shopping to do" She pushed him and went out. Leaving him howling in pain.

Sandy was left stranded as she strode right out of the door. He was furious and the pain slowly pierced through his consciousness... He was shocked to feel this attraction for her... and as always took refuge in anger.
He was sure to make her pay.. He would publically make her suffer! he decided...that shrew! No gal ever talks to him like that!

The anger didnt last for long.. All through the day he found himself thinking about her wonderful smile.. a smile that lights the room when it starts, a smile straight from heart. She is not at all bad looking at all if you ignore that bulging fat! She is sweet down to earth and funny.... But she always rubbed him the wrong way..like now and yet he always seeked her..He liked talking to her fighting with her.. He wouldnt admit but he liked her more than he was comfortable with. '

I should bet my brains checked' Sandy thought angrily. the question was who he was angry with....himself or her...



Meera went out of the room and stood in the corner for sometime to let her erratic heart beat stop. She's crazy for sure! How can her body react to him that way when he is systematically insulting her ? Really its not like he is some greek god or anything!

She was about to let him kiss her. He mesmerized her from the start.Since the day she joined. She wished so much to be his friend.. however.. their relation started with a wrong foot and stayed that way till date. She is no longer sure what she feels for him.. Its a mixture of respect liking and yet she hated the very mention of his name!.. He always made her nervous and unsure.

She was determined to stun him! Its time to let Roxane do her magic she decided. She would tantalize him all evening and then triumphantly go home she decided.

Next Chapter

Seems this has become my second fav topic to write on..

*sigh*

Words are soo powerful.. what can you not do with it! You can build an empire.. you can destroy one too.. and yet.. you can just waste it...

Words..

Somehow now I am at loss for words...

How often do you feel it ? I feel it all the time.. and the very fact that I feel it makes me feel guilty.. big time guilty! Its like a spot in my personality that I try to hide.. to overlook...

Anything and everything makes me feel envious... I see 2 happy friends.. I become wistful for mine... A kid wid its mom.. giggling.. I wish mine was there!

Well if I read a well written blog.. poem whatever.. I wish it was written by me.. or wish if i could write as good.. etc etc...


I am not jealous of ppls luck.. am glad for them.. but i wish i had my luck too... may be its not luck.. its just name.. who wants things but doesnt wanna sweat for it...

Sometimes.. I hate me!

Today is dedicated to one of my friend who is flying to USA in August... Its been ages we haven't chatted on phone and we did now... I realize that although we were not in contact much... there is still a corner in my heart that cares for him... very much.. its like a bitter truth that you drink and swallow no matter what.. You like to forget it.. but like a bad penny it resurfaces and hits u smack on the face.. I guess bad penny was a bad analogy.. but what the heck you get the point.. I know am gonna miss him hard esp since he wont be coming back once he goes.. How I wish I can go there too.. For the first time.. I wanna accept that I would love to go and explore.. expand my horizons.. but the thing is... I know I would probably never..

I wonder if this need is so acute coz he is going there?? Lets just say he is one of the "he" In my she stories...


So once again.. we separate.. I kinda think am the one of t he most repressed persona round.. someone who kinda can never resolve her feelings..

I feel betrayed and yet I am glad that he bothered t let me know even if we are not on contact much..

I always knew he would go.. am glad for him.. but i wish i cud be there too :(

Is this envy ? or what is it?

Sheesh!

Today am in mood of blogging.. though do not have any specifics on mind some vague dissatisfaction is back.. May be i am so used to being dour.. errr may be its my saturnine nature :P being capricorn and all.. If this is true I am gonna fight wid god.. how come he didnt give me other qualities? :P and my dad n mom too.. why cant they plan kids? :P


Oh well i dunno what to talk abt :(

Should i sign off ?

I guess!

Tada!

No I am not gonna write any of my dreams here.. I am going to talk about dreams..

Coupla years ago, I was working in this company.. where we had a communication coach called as "Kanya" Nice name isnt it?

Well.. this lady was very good in judging people.. she judged most of the people.. and mostly her approximation and mine matched.. so i was secretly thrilled... And in the end when she came to me.. she said... I am sorry to say meena but you dont seem to be a career woman.. you would be more interested in family and all..

Those days were my initial job days and I was hugely pissed about it! I wanted to make big and all..

Over months that have passed by.. I somehow see some truth in it... As far as I can remember.. my dream was.. meeting a guy who falls in love with me.. someone who is soo good that I admire him.. and well.. we decide not to go against parents.. my family thinks its arranged... but his knows.. blah blah.... happy married life.. wid small issues.. and kids .. who r picture perfect...
And ofcourse we would be successful... its like assumed...no concrete goal... I never wanted to feature in IEEE journals... or digit or business weekly.. no such ambition.. I never wanted to be employee of the week... or director of a company... just a plaun software job with recognition for my work.. I never wanted to be famous... but successful enuf to be invited to parties and all where my family would get praises all the places...

For long I was ashamed of this dream and ashamed of not having any ambitious drive.. Well yeah I am a hypocrite.... Well its time to accept.. that i dont wanty much from life.. hopefully i would get a guy who would fall in love with me... thats more than enough for me

One is not a loser until one loses ones confidence in oneself.. The day one believes that he or she cannot do something.. thats the day he or she loses in life..

I guess I got to think about this a lot.. may be what i lack is not the skills not the talent.. but the will ... the belief in myself