YAY!!

Its time to document my chennai trip.. as usual it had some funny moments some great ones..

And as usual the universe tried to make sure that i dont go !!

It started with me bungling with booking tickets.. trusting someone who let me down... so at the end of the day i went in an non permit bus.. traveled 10 hours.. it was supposed to be the first meet

Damn! i lost the mood to write it now :| :| :|

So we met it was without any discomfort.. talked chatted... listened to music sung songs.. went to the beach.. took pictures then i came home..

Thats abt it!

Confusing like madness
gentle and insistent
a unknown ache,
All night keeps me awake
mocking as I writhe
In unidentified longing
Incomprehensible sadness

Recently i have been away from home.. i shud b feeling on the top of my world.. somehow i feel faintly depressed.. not exactly depressed.. just faintly..

Things bug me .. i donno why.. and am on my escape from the world mode again..

Me thinks.. i dont need reasons to be depressed.. am pathologically depressed.. coz right now there is nothing in the world thats wrong with me.. everything is just right.. but yet i have this huge knot in my stomach that wont unwound.. i have no idea even whats making me down...

i have been contemplating to turn off internet at home.. but then i still wud have access in office.. so doesnt make much diff... however.. it wud still regulate my online time.. isnt it?


need to think abt it.. i think i ahve internet addiction.. if i dont come online i have withdrawal symptoms..


Isnt it ironical? we choose online life to not feel anxiety of broken relations .. jilted emotions.. in effect not much involvement..

however we end up feeling all of it .. more penetrating coz we open up just too soon.. hurt just too much... and yet forget all the more faster..

its like a merry go round of emotions dont u think ?

Most people take it so much for granted.. I guess i know how important it is coz i lack it.. that absolute confidence that you belong to someone to somewhere...

If someone asks me where i am from.. its so hard for me to say.. do i say am a mumabikar?

I have spent so many years there.. and yet.. its not my home.. I can speak marathi fluently.. but not like an native.. it is not mine.. do i say hindi?? no its not mine too.. neither tamil nor kananda.. I have no language ... no way!

Am i belonging to tamil nadu or karnataka? or am i maharastraian?? so hard to determine..

So hard to say that i belong completely..

I remember the first time we admitted dd to the hospital.. when they were collecting information about him from us.. we realized how lil we know our dads past.. and even more less about our mom.. its like there is this huge void... nothing ever existed before we were born.. its eerily spooky..

I remember once my friend while making fun of my tamil said.. it shudnt matter to me if ppl make fun... coz i dont know the language..

Doesnt she u\s.. every time ppl make fun of my lack of language skills they reirterate the fact that i am a misfit?

Its better when you dont know the language completely.. u say am sorry i dont know.. n that is it.. but when u know a lil of it.. its easy for ppl to laugh.. they think it doesnt hurt... but it does.... i guess ppl dont notice coz its not their hurt...

Sometimes i feel such a misfit hat i wanna die...

Recently one of my friend told me.. how dare you take few hours from me.. coz i was late.. I can never do it.. i can tell ppl.. hey dear.. am there for you.. I can never ask.. will u b there for me.. most of the time am so damn scared to ask.. i am waiting for someone to say that and mean it.. not coz they expect me to be there for them.. but just coz they feel am special...

I wish i cud look at someone with sense of ownership.. no matter how close i am with anyone.. i can never demand.. never demand.. time or attention.. i wud b grateful for what i get.. but can never demand for it..

Sometimes i wish i can b rude to random strangers!

Enough i guess!

Another crappy day
On the meandering way
twists n turns
As thoughts churns..


No am not in mood to rhyme today.. not in mood to do anything..

here i am on another night when nothing ever happens... alotted time in front of this uber idiot box.. no not TV but computer.. few minutes of blogging few hours of chatting.. then its time to hit the bed.. with many words stil left unsaid..

not that anyone bothers to listen.. nor to comprehend.. not tht i want to speak... no.. i want to scream! some gibberish that makes no sense.. and then may b giggle to glory


Damn!

Its so easy to blog sometimes and on other days.. u keep scratching ur mind and yet thoughts wont come.. like today.. many thoughts jostle to get my attention but when they do i have hardly anything to say.. hence many unrelated short posts...

I no longer seem to rhyme like i used to... also.. when i do..i dont like the stuff i have rhymed...


I need to write a diary instead of a blog.. i really do...

Have you ever noticed how a rain drop is complete in itself???

Shining like a pearl.. soaring down.. so complete and yet.. it wants to lose its identity .. sooon its a part of a river.. or lost.. absorbed by the land.. some are lucky enough to land on leaves.. but still will trickle down to earth.. why this nilisitic need to lose its identity ??

Silence speaks a thousand words,
99% percent of which is never understood
Words spoken holds the world
And yet nothing is ever understood

But we still say, pen is mighteir tham the sword


is it of any significance that a left byte shift of words is a sword?

Incidentally silence is one of my favorite topic.. which is a big paradox... coz ppl who know me knows that silence cant stand me :)

With me around things cant be silent.. no wonder.. i am silent only when i am alone...

Like now.. sitting in front of the computer... listening to the trees swaying in the breeze.. sweety my lab.. snoring gently.. i know if i place my ears to her heart i can hear her heart beats,,, it is faster than mine.. i realise i can hear mine too..

I find comfort in silence and yet today... silence is not acceptable.. i wanna talk...

It is not conforting me.. have got this vague dissatisfaction.. like.. i have lost something...

am not even in mood to blog and yet i wanna blog..

I wish i could write abstract.. why do i have to be soooo up in ur face ?

many a time i realise i am not deep at all.. infact am very shallow.. why shud this affect me?

wasnt i talking ant silence? my thoughts are a big mess!!

I am feeling bugged randomly.. donno why or for what reason.. I am feeling somehow down.. i ahve no reason to :| :|

something crazy happening to me... donno why...

No i am not talking about the love song " two step behind you" Nor am i talking abt when you shud take 2 steps behind you..

I am talking abt me taking 2 steps behind... Somehow i crave for someone who can listen while i talk more so about one who would want to.. For no reason but coz that person likes me...

What dis got to do wid 2 steps behind? *sigh* everything...

However, if someone tries to ask too many questions about me.. i end up giving vague answers.. may be i wud open up later.. that means i open up fully.. i keep yapping n yapping until that person has had enough *lol i guess*

This is not what i wanted to talk about ..

Okay here is the deal... I feel i am taking 2 steps behind in one of my most successful n special relationship... the reasons for that is endless...

There is but only one reason to not do it.. and thousands to do it.. so i find myself moving 2 steps backwards.. ahte myself for that.. but there it is..

I also find that other person moving 2 steps behind.. is that reflection of my action or is it somethign else???

no idea!