Venue: Office

A notification. You got a mail.

I click on popup and do a gig in the air.

Hello Meena,

Your leave application for the period of 5 days (27 May 2007-31 May 2007) has been approved.
Please contact your local management to work out the shifts so that someone can cover your work load.

Regards,

Leon Elperin

I am ecstatic. Finally, I will go to Mumbai! Meet my friends for 7 days. I keep blabbering about it in the cab. come home. dance with smitha (my sis) for some time. play with sweety(my baby pet).

I turn on computer to tell it to my friends online.

Notification:
system alert.

your computer is infected with a hacker tool. please install 'winantiviruspro 2007'

I yell at my sis. What did you do now? I told you not to install anything unless you know what it is.

Smitha hurt. mood changed to bad
Le sigh.

I run scans. Many scans. Different anitvirus scans. spyware scans. adware scans.

Still there it is. The alert is juss there.

Opened Add/remove programs.

There it is: Windows security alert, Internet explorer plugin. Video ex 8.0.

I click on uninstall.

Notification:

You need to reboot your system to uninstall.

I click on okay. system reboots. but there it is not uninstalled

Fiddle with registry. entries deleted reappears. Le sigh

Try safe mode. same thing repeats. even the notification appears in safe mode [:O]
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Pssssssssssssssssssst

Open list of services. stop many unwanted services. Look for suspicious ones. Not there.

Now time to hunt the windows and system32 folder.

hack hack. delete delete.

Finally restart.

There you go.....

Bios loading....

beep beep beep.....

system restarts.

Again Bios loading

beep beep beep....

Conclusion: system crash!

Then you remember, the last time the way you broke the XP cd to pieces. you ver very very angry.

You cry . you scream. but there it is. your system gone phut!

you search for long forgotten rejected ubuntu Live cd.

Come online and blog.

What the heck!

Shit happens !!!

Life goes on [:D]

I read a novel by Kiran desai . To be truthful I had huge hopes from this book. It sadly disappointed me. I felt it had the same listlessness that I generally feel in Indian authors. Incharitable I know... but the very few I have read makes me think of this.. Like yashovarman by Sanjay soni.

We wont talk abt that. Only about this one.

The story is based on post colonial days. this is a story of a girl Sai. She is a daughter of a airforce pilot who dies in russia. Involved in indo-russian space shuttle operation. The story is about how this gal and her friends react to the growing tensions between gorkhas and the bengalis in the northeastern town.
Misty and beautiful this town is a bit melancoly.

At an early age Sai is sent to a very repressive convent school which she hates. On her parents death in an accident, Sai is funded by her grandpa for studies. However, due to reducing income, he decides to call her back and engages a tutor for her home.

In the Grampa's household, thre is a cook whose son is in US of A trying to be rich and seeing his dreams being shattered.

The story is set as i said during the onset of gorkha revolt. At that time, Sai was in love with her only mathematic tutor, a gorkha accounts student. As the story moves forward, the love of these ppl changes to soemthing else. The apparent confusion and occasional insight of these two teenagers are wonderful to read.
The only foriegner living there is extradicted. There are other changes like her only friends, the old ladies who tutored her are besotted by squatters who takes over their home and their life in many respects.

The story starts with a robbery of arms from the grampa's house and it ends with a innocent guy nabbed by the police and tortured. The guy's relations (wife n father) retaliates by robbing the only love of grampa's lyf, his pet dog.

Also, hearing about the issues in his native land, the cooks son returnns home. On the way he is robbed. Not only he loses money but his clothes and other luggages. He returns in a worst condition than he was earlier.

I guess this is where the name, Inheritance of Loss is inherited.

I recently read one of my friend's blog. It was a plea to her dad to understand her aspirations, her need. It is true that parents have the best interests for us in their mind. But how many parents forget in the mean time if the path they dream for us is really our dream. Are we so much a extentions of them that we dont have our own identity??

Pushing your frustrated and not so frustrated dreams on your children is like trying to live your life through them its not possible!!!!

And the most common lament is.. We never had oppurtunities like you have! All we want is for the best for you

You are right! You didnt have as much choices..... We have! SO LET US MAKE THEM!!!!


I am sure most of you all agree with me! I mean what the heck is wrong with their mind? How can they forget they were young once and had dreams.............

All they remember is they had dreams and want it to happen for their child as it didnt happen for them ! PSSST
Doesnt make sense!

After really very lengthy posts these small ones seems a welcome change isnt it?

Today I didnt come online a lot. Even gtalk chats have reduced. I wonder if it is direct result of some kind of disillusionment? For some reason flirting aint as appealing as it was. nah dun mark me wrong. I will still flirt.. but i no longer am satisfied by online relation.. I want that personal touch of meeting everyday.

Those pleasant ways of holding hands.. laughing etc etc... yeah getting sentimental again!

Well one of my friends wid whom i had chat wid expressed how special she felt holding hands... made me remember too.. nah this isnt gf-bf thingy.. well even when your best friend holds your hand how comforting it feels?

childishly swinging hands while walking? Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Yeah nostalgia... What I wouldnt give to be back at hostel.

I know its easy to look back wards and say how golden it was .. I still wish what the heck!

After a long time I am getting this terrible yen to blog during the day and almost regularly. God knows why. esp as I ahve nothing to really talk abt only the will to talk..

Finally I decided to take a take on quotes that I wanted to write about.

In one of my frustrated phase I have made a change in my wallpaper which says...

Dreams are like Rainbows, Only fools chase them.....

How pesimistic is this? I can see nodding head wid ready advices (After all I am one of them too ... like recognises like :D) Well to continue...


I dont think it is pessimistic at all... yes you read right. it isnt pessimistic. As long as you only dream and chase it.. it is fools paradise. to actually make it work you need to water it down to real world. Plan it. on basis of reality. So is it not not pessimistic? [:D]

Recently, one of my friends called my ex as my enemy and I was clueless. I mean whom do you call your enemy? The one who wants bad things to happen to you? or the one whom you want bad things to happen???

Well if it is latter, I guess till now no one is my enemy. not even my ex. Simply coz, I in no way want anything bad to happen to him as long as he stays away from me there is nothing else I want.

Now if it is former, since I have no idea whats on my ex's mind how can I call him my enemy?

besides the word enemy doesnt exist for me. Simply coz todays friend can be tomorrows enemy and vice versa.. so that is stupid..


now I wonder why I have got this need to type meaningless post. It is as if I need to be stupid purposefully. I actually wanted to post something else end up typing crap. Still it is my crap so will be published.

Relationship really become our habit. I know it is a weird thing to say. But I am talking about online relation in particular. You are used to someone being for you everyday. You expect them to be there. when they are not u miss them. but does that mean you care for them? how deep is this feeling? and how relevant? you miss them only when u r online else in ur real life how much they really mean?

Now I had altercation wid one of my friend long time back. on record we have made up but sumthing died. Its not same any more seems like i am and ofcourse she also is trying to pick the broken pieces strewn in hay!

Now a new altercation today. May be the afore mentioned is right i no longer think and speak. I shoot from hip! May be i am not so understanding as I was. I dunno. For me I feel the same. but it is true i care less thats for sure. At one point of time, I wud be so upset that I would log off. but now.. i just do sumfin else. It was so easy to say bye.

This scares me some but not very much. not like it would have at one point of time. Its like if one friend goes other comes in. Does this make me callous? or juss plain accepting?

It makes me shallow for sure. coz I am not respecting my emotions. I become attached to ppl and easily let go as if sand it can be jerked away from your cloth. ppl come and go i am still here. what does this make me?

It makes me vulnerable. And i respond by not actually being attached. only seemingly being attached. Its a mess this ilusion of friendship illusion of love business!

I see this pattern repeating. Well this is not what I was about to write. I was about to write abt expecting someone's presence...... This expectation kills the relationship. Coz their presence shudnt be prefuntory, it shud be becoz they want it not coz u expect it.

I am trying hard these days to not expect a lot from ppl. Surprisingly i am better for it. But I am afraid that may be i really dont have a faculty for deep attachment for long. I bore of ppl too easily.

I dunno if i actually love that I let ppl drift by or i dont. Its so confusing.. sometimes it hurts and other times it feels good. Rootless exisitence inside out?

whatever it is as long as it satisfy me should i really bother abt the reasons? probably i shudnt waste time

One last thing more of a note to myself. I dont have to be with ppl whom I dont want to. It is not neccessary to forgive ppl. And abt todays altercation that guy is never gonna be my friend back. Coz, friendship is not made and broken at will. I am done wid it.


I hardly know what i wrote and why i wrote

I was watching a news item yesterday, wherein ppl were surveying so many schools all over india to know abt the need for sexual education.

During this , they quoted this statistics.

53% of Indian children go through some kind of sexual abuse!!!


This water downs to the fact that every second child is sexually
abused! Isnt it startling and more so distressing??

My sister says distressing yes. but startlig no! she sayz open ur eyes meena! every bus ride is an abuse. Even trains are.

She reminded me of the incidence that we overlook as usual!

Like the way, when we used to walk on roads there r ppl who wud wantonly hit u and say sorry. In the train the hawkers wud be like (male) 'Kaay ho madam, bheed hai ikde teekde laagnaarach.' ' What madam its crowded. something will touch here and there'

Most saddest part wud be other women saying ' Itke natak asell tar jaayche na 1St class madye' ' If u have so much problem y dont u travel in 1st class?'

Then i was wondering is it really that prevelant i remembered my ole wounds. It does happens very often the kids r so lost so innocent and they feel ashamed and never tell anyone until its gone too faar.....

There was this guy whose arguements touched some chord somewhere. He said ppl ask me why dint u tell?
how can a child tell?
do ppl give conducive environment? Do parents and teachers give that?
What abt understanding? Can a 7 yr boy understand whats happening to him?
Neednt he be informed?

I reflected back to realise was my family very open abt sex? They werent. But we had a book on Sex . It was explained so
simply. The best part was the preface......

The author said he asked a 10 year ole boy what he want to know abt sex?

The kid said everything! and thats what the author did. explained everything so that a simple 10 yr ole
boy can understand too......

I think i was around the same age when i read it. Thats when i understood abt babies and reproduction. I agree there was many stuff we dint understand then... we did later...

In the news item few teenage gals were quoted and u know what? I jived wid them.. i remember how obsessed we were abt 'sex'. I remember sitting in a different room me renu parma n nilesh. We were buddies very close. We sat togather and devored
this book. IT was simple open curiosity.
but then after that.. we lost the childishness.. we had grownup some..
However, my point is we did it on the sly!

Our parents kept this book so hidden that ou curiosity was piqued. They wudnt even kiss in front of us as if it is a shameful act! forget kissing i have never seen them hug!

I wonder if my mother wud have been alive wud i have gone to her to confide?
possibly i wud. I have no way to know. but then such situation wudnt have occured...

My dad was always over proetective.. he wud never allow us to be alone wid anyone only if my mom is there else we wudnt be...

Now i wonder wasnt he right? if the figure is conservative as my sister says or not i think in hindsight my dad was right.. only it dint help

Imagine kids who r not so protected??

I think sexual education is must. infact there shud b discussions so that the kids can tell if they were abused. And only telling wudnt work! if the kid does say he/she shud see justice done!

Abt sex education...
Well most of us discuss anyways. some ppl for being cool embellishes some and others repeat it like a parrot. Isnt it better to have full knowledge than inadequate?

I think they better introduce sex education else this statistics may increase....

I used to wonder y i see so many ppl wid same stories! now i know y! Coz society is infected wid it!

Though i dont get why is it infected? why the fetish wid young boys and gals?

are all ppl so screwed up?

I wonder if i will get the reply if ever. I wonder if i am strong enuf to understand the reason ...

I wud still say prevention is better than cure.. however hard it is.. children needs to know what it is. They need to understand when they r being abused!

Like i had read this item somewhere....
One uncle 'family friend' wud take the kid out for rides etc and then give her gifts....

after the child was used to it once the man wanted her to try the frock and come.. it became usual.. parents thought this man is generous n likes the kid...

then one day the man n the kid were alone and the man asked ger to change.. the kid was small and cant do it alone.. so this man helped her out.. and it is not required to tell what followed.. he dint do much than feel and sadly the kid liked it... all thru
her growing years they went a step ahead than this.. the gal never knew she was being used she thought this is how it is! never felt it was wrong until later!!


There is one time when kids were playing in park. there was this ole man who wud always come give them peppermints and make them play. no one thought he has such perverted thoughts... after all he was 'thataa'... Well one fine day he said to the kids.. to grow up u need to use that 'i dont know the exact word' but the one wherein u do pullups..... and one of the child was ready to do it.. and while she was hanging there the ole man was busy jerking himself off looking at the kids panties! she wasnt aware!!

There r many such instances.. it makes me sick!

I am sad today. God knows why! Not just sad angry and frustrated too. I never knew I got attached to a particular person so much. And when that person said he isnt comfortable to talk to me anymore... I am hurt as simple as that. Too hurt! To think i was joking that i was angry... n i thought that guy juss got my joke n is kidding around too and to get something like that in return.. was well better said than kept inside.. it still hurts

I am tired of being miss two goody shoes!

Why can't I act like too rude? Even when I hurt?

And then the morning sucked too.. Firstly my sweetie is sick. She has fleas n allergy both. Poor sweetheart keeps scractching and hurting her skin. Baby get well soon dear..

And taking her to doc always leaves a bad taste in my mouth esp wid the injections......

And then we went to the bank today1 Its so goddamn hot I hate it.....

Finally the biggest issue. Its abt my mobile fone. Its been 1week and i havent yet used it once Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Its coz i dont have any good address proof Psssstttttt

I wonder y i cancelled my hutch account, after all i paid all the bills. Well its seemed right i wanted airtel connection...

Firstly the dealer is a dumbass! That guy told me debit card
statement wid a photocard (citibank) wud be enuf.. n when i take that he says it wont work!

He wants me to give a phone bill xerox. I oblige n in the hot
sun of 1:00 pm I search for the goddamn xerox shop which r conveniently closed. I do all these to get the connection today coz in the night i cud call some friends.... and the dealer finally realise even they r not enuf!
What the fuck!
So 2 hours or so roaming in hot sun later.. being late for office i
have no airtel connection.... In fact i wont have either for some time now....

I can get one as my sisters corporate connection. However that will take atleast 4-5 dayz or more!
And til then i dont have any way to use my fone!
Isnt it sick????

And if that wasnt enuf I mistakenly wore my sisters sandals to office n she is angry for that!!

I know these r not enuf reasons to be soo very upset..

I guess its more... It made me realise abt all the stupid probs we have still left in mumbai..The fact that we lost document Ration card transfer certificate.. so have no ration card no election card... seems like someone fishy isnt it? no documents at all!!

And then i remebered the 7 day trip to mumbai wherein i was made to run all over the places...
Talati office to Vasai court to Taluka office.. And goddammit it
was my first taste of how government offices work..

And then it didnt help that most ppl knew my dad as a trouble maker... My dad has this terrible yen to fight against corruption.. doesnt help when ppl know u r his daughter.. they wont mess wid him but they sure did wid me..

Every goddamn person there tried to shirk me off as if i am some trouble.. As if they help me they wud be fielding trouble..
Ah!
i kinda dint want to remember those dayz...
I knwo most will ask if i dont like my dads attitude..
Yes i dont. Although i am proud of his values i am not proud of
his methods :

Well thats it.. the old shadows are following me today and
making me saad very saad!!

I kinda hate that ppl stereotype me always i dunno why!

And ppl always think i am better than i always am..
Y?
All my life everyone called me agenius who doesnt use her talents well!
And my parents never thought so....
Thats a different story!
But yeah! always. Do I show more than i know?? do i act so?
I dont think so!
And then ppl think mostly i am very understanding etc etc
Well Am i really so?
thats juss the problem i wish pp see me as i am!
I wish ppl dont either admire me or act as if i am not good at all.. I am somewhere in betwen good n bad!
i hope ppl see that.
I hated everytime ppl came to me
juss to ask help esp in the exam time n then ignore me(be indifferent) I hated
it when ppl said ah we cant make meena angry after all who will give us ssignment help us in studies!

I ahted it when ppl wud keep doing meena didi n then choose someone else as best senior!

I wonder how they think i felt to have missed the very party i organised from scratch!
I ahte that i think of these petty things n still hurt.. hurt myself more..
I hate that i find it hard to forgive n forget!
I ahted it when someone i cared abt dint give me reason as y he left n wanted to start from where we left off as if nothing was wrong...
I hated it when he still dint give me the reasons...

I juss hate a lot isnt it??

I am tired.. tired of laughing tired of smiling..
I hate my dilemma.. I wish i had a normal life wid normal
family...
I hate that i still wish for the same after wishing it since
childhood!
I hate the envy i feel i felt when i see a happy family.....
I ahte so many things

I guess i shud stop now.. enuf of hate
Le sigh